deMarcationLines

i am still in transition, ready for the next door to open; maybe it's because i have spent so much of myLife compromising myself, when i knew i deserved better Butdidn't think i did. last month i attempted to date a guy that lived everyday in thePast, getting my attention meant acting as if his world was over, which it wasn't.

living with trauma& a neck injury that i will have for the rest of my life has taught me what i want to feel and acknowledge& what i won't. however, people that have severe trauma often am unable to acknowledge the triggers they have& can become enraged by the slightest provocation.(sometimes reactions will be prompt without anyReal causeto someone else.) symptoms of postTraumaticStressdisorder varies, and people will have different symptoms and reactions depending on what their triggers& trauma are.

when i was seeing the guy that i attempted to date, he repeatedly told me that i was expected to tolerate Hisoutbursts after we where intimate. i felt that he didn't care that i had boundaries. i was unwilling to put up with his behavior; and asked him to seek a therapist; i told him that it was not Myjob to handle his anger& projection. certain trauma requires therapy; not new age"therapies."

it didn't make his outbursts any less, blaming me when we where intimate, told me that Iwas HisTrigger. that's called convenience, considering i was gentle-listened and tolerated his inability to keepHisword and his actions. it was convenient to blame me for his Triggers that way he didn't have to acknowledge the way he was Really acting.

projection is common with PTSD; the person experiencing the trauma can project their behavior on those around them so they don't have to be responsible for the Veryemotions they feel. i saw myself in him, a few years ago i trainwrecked something that could have been good. pushed him away by picking fights, getting angry and projecting. i wakeUp clear headed most days and if i don't try to figure out why i am not; he lovedMe, saw me regardless of my pain, all i did was lashOUT.

when the guy i attempted to date& i fought he told me that HeExpected me to be friends with him-and got mad when i was Unwilling. the night we fought he became angry and pissed that i couldn't fit into hisLife the way he anticipated; childish and codependent. he brought up his exGF constantly as if this would persuade me to be friends with him--it did the opposite.(ifa guy wants a woman to be in yourLife don't surround yourSpace with thePast.) i was very clear that i couldn't be Friends with him, because he had seduced me a fewdays after the last time he said that to me.

i do miss him, but it was good for me to see how muchProgress i have made-since i was dysfunction junction lastYear. i see my pain& my happiness. if i start hurting i know ItWill go away-and that i will have to allow myself the time to process. i am sitting listening to BlueAngels do their routine for seaFair; hearing the roar of the jets. it's great to be alive, to feel& to see, even the things i NOlonger want.