belief

i have sounded bitter lately, jaded-i admit to my feelings because they where not just driven by what was going on with fling that i wrote about in my last entry but someone i trusted for a longtime let me down. life isn'tFair. it has broughtme to this topic; i also expect that i won't be writing for a few weeks.

my favorite news anchor passed away recently from something my family has had for decades, lung cancer. peter jennings was an amazing man, who showed me a part of the world i learned to see through his eyes. he did some great stories and did awesome journalism-how all journalists should attempt to want to become. in this media saturated environment where there's imbedded commercials in movies, non-profit radio stations are attacked for being too "liberal" because they attempt to cover the story from multiple angles which means you may not like what you hear.

if you compare fox to peter jennings-one is Very lopsided& left-so far that they're @ the tipping point. peter jennings was what all journalists should be fair& balanced; because he knew what his job was. period. report the story withOUT turning into a 25 secondsensational reporting that foxNews has become so famous for.

okay, done with the tangent-so, here goes with the topic, belief. i have to admit that i have been inspired by NationalPublicRadio, they have begun doing a segment called this i believe. belief-is one of those things that come over time; i was inspired by what i heard this week, about a woman close to my age that was taught by her father to always go to funerals. it was a touching piece-because paying respect for someone that has passed is a huge show of gratitude. it got me thinking-what are things i really value and why.

i respect the homeless that find quite corners in parks during the middle of the day, early morning greylight, right before sunset, grace under pressure& the perfect pour of foam. told it's nice to be seen; chased down for hugs and being able to Forgive& openly love-without expectation back. this past week i had the highest scoreEver since i began bowling-i was in the zone, turkeyed the last 3frames and decided that i wouldn't think; just focus on the flow of the ball& the lane. my score was hundred& seventySeven! i was awed as was my friends; it was a great night!!.

beingin thePresent is something i value; something i had begun learning last summer, when i attempted one last time to love my emotionally abusive boyfriend, thinking that he really wasn't ThatBad, he was. it taught me to follow my instincts, when iam uncomfortable or someone treads all over my boundaries. boundaries that has taken me a longtime to allow myself to have. it's the same if someone ambushes a sleeping homeless man in a park during the day-when it's safest for him to sleep. it's called Respect something everyone rich or poor deserves.

i think Respect is my belief, because it's something i was taught when i went down to Kentucky to work within the Appalachian mountains the first time with non-profit when i was 17 years old. when i broke over a hundred eggs for a homeless shelter in a city in my home state in high school-hours before 9AM. it was showing people that they where being seen; showing them respect. for me respect is listening, giving someone my honest opinion even if the answers may be hard to hear. out of that comes growth and out of growth comes clarity. i think that to me, seeing myself the last year has taught me how to see others. for me Respect is #1 but is a tie with Honesty; because the 2 should not be separate they should be together, as one. Honesty, balances respect because sincerity, and truth are part of that. it was hard for me, to feel tugged down by someone i was falling in love with last month, comeUP for air-to be pulled back because thePresent hurt too much. i can accept the loss-because love is greater than that-and so is fate.

i have allowed myself to feel more than i ever have before, because i no longer fear feeling-it has to do with healing from PTSD. when postTraumaticStressDisorder is @ it's most acute feelings bring on triggers, triggers can turn you from calm to asshole in no time flat. i still have some triggers but i acknowledge them when they come on, allow myself to feel them, and process. it has taught me Respect in another way; it has taught me to communicate better, and to allow myself to be still, to listen. something i was not capable of a few years ago, silence itself brought on pain.

in a week i will be in another timezone, and i will allow myself to process how big or small my steps have been in the last year. i have not given up on love or my company which i launched a few weeks ago. i have learned that sometimes, when i allow myself-space with my soul-i can hear it sing&cry--looking around and I am grateful for my newBed and for Hope i thought had disappeared after my emotionallyAbusive X tried to destroy me emotionally& psychologically last year. strength i would not have learned wakingUP blessed with friends and love. i am no longer trapped by anything than what i myself think i can't accomplish, all that means is that clarity brings change.