i did a bit of Urban hiking in the last few days; processed a few things only someone else who has or had PTSD can understand. this afternoon i went back to pomegranate's ex former apartment where he and i attempted to live together in 3 years ago. whenever i don't know
which side is Up i go for a walk, without my now stolen walkman-i am inhaling life i never thought i would be able to. i also have a bit to brag about: my Year without Sex was Finally Broken; i had some. for the record the kissing was Better than the action. i broke my NoFling Rule that has been re-instated.
it's fact that i want theWhole enchilada-the one with the guacamole & sour cream; not old salsa (LTR.) i encountered a beautiful sweet guy this afternoon, who asked me what i was thinking about...no comment. that goes for this entry. it's not based in fear rather i realized that taking the past year off from Sex has been
one of the best things i could have done; planning on a Hot summer. if it comes with Love not Sex that is one thing. this coming weekend will be Final soccer game, a brisk early morningGame with the kick off @ 7am. ManchesterUnited vs. Chelsea in the semis for the FA Cup. i am sure i will be clutching a heavy dose of caffeine,
my voice broken from all the screaming & we will huddle when it has ended until the dreaded empty months without soccer. a few changes are coming; a few of them will be amazing. stick around to read about what every woman Loves. bikini&volleyball season. Sorry no pictures. i have this to ad: it's Not about having Anyone--it's about having Only One. :0)
5.16.2007
5.13.2007
green is the new vogue
instant gratification slips
into the night-
between graylight
snow covered peaks
drawing of empty
hearts;
golden sunsets
dancing off mowed
lawns
spring gently slips into
summer.
Cecilie Copy1 May 2007
i pulled this stanza from a new poem, no longer battling the inability to put words to paper, paper to mic. i had a few minutes this week to take some steps i have been advised to do for years, sever ties with my parents. a few years ago, i would be sitting in front of my monitor crying, wondering how i would manage without their constant & berating-emotionally abusive comments; telling me how little i have Always
accomplished coddled my father's drinking, physical abuse later turning into emotional abuse, his motto was "there is no marks" you can't "prove" anything & such lines as "no one will believe you." all typical statements of an abuser-who doesn't have a "drinking" problem or "anger issues;" much in the same way my mother's constant threatening of suicide ruled my life as a child & teenager.
having a conversation with a Closer friend than my parents recently-they said, if you amount to anything they would probably still treat you like shit. behavior that has shown up when i have called them about finding employment, my first descent & good roommate & apartment in the pacific northwest. that wasn't clean, good enough & my kitchen was too dirty for then visiting mother's liking. after she left my then uberkewl roommate expressed disgust that there was mother's that acted as badly as mine.
recognizing what one therapist called addiction to drama & instability, i realized that i was dating both my parents in the men i was choosing. the more bandages they required the more i thought i needed to Fix them. feeding their self-esteem coddling issues of addiction to alcohol & drugs. where a therapist would have been more apt than a girlfriend. the men i have dated attempted to "fix" & varying degrees of their problems, coddling abusive behavior that would often escalate & where i would take the fall. when someone else takes the fall for the abuser-
they are not accountable for their actions; in simple therapy, it's called disassociative behavior, projection & deflection. all the words mean the same thing-it's not Their Fault. spending 50% of my life thinking that i was accountable for my mother's often-irrational mood swings, screaming fits & threats of suicide. i thought when i was dating that i was Responsible for the same behavior till i met a great therapist who taught me that i had the Right to my own Boundaries in All my relationships.
have you seen the glossed out issue of the "greenVogue" irony was content of medium weight print ads on ink made from? till the next entry hurra, hurra, hurra for sytende Mai!
into the night-
between graylight
snow covered peaks
drawing of empty
hearts;
golden sunsets
dancing off mowed
lawns
spring gently slips into
summer.
Cecilie Copy1 May 2007
i pulled this stanza from a new poem, no longer battling the inability to put words to paper, paper to mic. i had a few minutes this week to take some steps i have been advised to do for years, sever ties with my parents. a few years ago, i would be sitting in front of my monitor crying, wondering how i would manage without their constant & berating-emotionally abusive comments; telling me how little i have Always
accomplished coddled my father's drinking, physical abuse later turning into emotional abuse, his motto was "there is no marks" you can't "prove" anything & such lines as "no one will believe you." all typical statements of an abuser-who doesn't have a "drinking" problem or "anger issues;" much in the same way my mother's constant threatening of suicide ruled my life as a child & teenager.
having a conversation with a Closer friend than my parents recently-they said, if you amount to anything they would probably still treat you like shit. behavior that has shown up when i have called them about finding employment, my first descent & good roommate & apartment in the pacific northwest. that wasn't clean, good enough & my kitchen was too dirty for then visiting mother's liking. after she left my then uberkewl roommate expressed disgust that there was mother's that acted as badly as mine.
recognizing what one therapist called addiction to drama & instability, i realized that i was dating both my parents in the men i was choosing. the more bandages they required the more i thought i needed to Fix them. feeding their self-esteem coddling issues of addiction to alcohol & drugs. where a therapist would have been more apt than a girlfriend. the men i have dated attempted to "fix" & varying degrees of their problems, coddling abusive behavior that would often escalate & where i would take the fall. when someone else takes the fall for the abuser-
they are not accountable for their actions; in simple therapy, it's called disassociative behavior, projection & deflection. all the words mean the same thing-it's not Their Fault. spending 50% of my life thinking that i was accountable for my mother's often-irrational mood swings, screaming fits & threats of suicide. i thought when i was dating that i was Responsible for the same behavior till i met a great therapist who taught me that i had the Right to my own Boundaries in All my relationships.
have you seen the glossed out issue of the "greenVogue" irony was content of medium weight print ads on ink made from? till the next entry hurra, hurra, hurra for sytende Mai!
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