green is the new vogue

instant gratification slips
into the night-
between graylight
snow covered peaks
drawing of empty
hearts;
golden sunsets
dancing off mowed
lawns
spring gently slips into
summer.
Cecilie Copy1 May 2007

i pulled this stanza from a new poem, no longer battling the inability to put words to paper, paper to mic. i had a few minutes this week to take some steps i have been advised to do for years, sever ties with my parents. a few years ago, i would be sitting in front of my monitor crying, wondering how i would manage without their constant & berating-emotionally abusive comments; telling me how little i have Always

accomplished coddled my father's drinking, physical abuse later turning into emotional abuse, his motto was "there is no marks" you can't "prove" anything & such lines as "no one will believe you." all typical statements of an abuser-who doesn't have a "drinking" problem or "anger issues;" much in the same way my mother's constant threatening of suicide ruled my life as a child & teenager.

having a conversation with a Closer friend than my parents recently-they said, if you amount to anything they would probably still treat you like shit. behavior that has shown up when i have called them about finding employment, my first descent & good roommate & apartment in the pacific northwest. that wasn't clean, good enough & my kitchen was too dirty for then visiting mother's liking. after she left my then uberkewl roommate expressed disgust that there was mother's that acted as badly as mine.

recognizing what one therapist called addiction to drama & instability, i realized that i was dating both my parents in the men i was choosing. the more bandages they required the more i thought i needed to Fix them. feeding their self-esteem coddling issues of addiction to alcohol & drugs. where a therapist would have been more apt than a girlfriend. the men i have dated attempted to "fix" & varying degrees of their problems, coddling abusive behavior that would often escalate & where i would take the fall. when someone else takes the fall for the abuser-

they are not accountable for their actions; in simple therapy, it's called disassociative behavior, projection & deflection. all the words mean the same thing-it's not Their Fault. spending 50% of my life thinking that i was accountable for my mother's often-irrational mood swings, screaming fits & threats of suicide. i thought when i was dating that i was Responsible for the same behavior till i met a great therapist who taught me that i had the Right to my own Boundaries in All my relationships.

have you seen the glossed out issue of the "greenVogue" irony was content of medium weight print ads on ink made from? till the next entry hurra, hurra, hurra for sytende Mai!