i think everyone to some extent don't see what's right in front of them; sometimes we see it in the rearview mirror as we speed away from brokenhearts& life. seeing can be hard, to really see means acknowledging what may or may not present. i will digress for a moment and write about about a friend of mine in high school-someone i saw on a regular basis that sailed by me in my youth. in my senior year he and i went hiking locally and he told me that i wasn't seeing what was right in front me-i didn't understand what he meant, because my life so filled with chaos that it slipped right by me.
it has taken sometime for me to start seeing what is there, sometimes when i start i don't like the what i could be seeing. sort of like this adorable guy i met last spring, when i was still single and the life was easy. he showed up out of nowhere and left just as fast-i didn't see what i had, till weeks later, when things slowly dawned on me, the way things usually do in hindsight. i am currently still single and enjoying this cultural affliction as i am a stereotype as a woman in my thirties. i suppose if i was more socially inclined to find a mate and do the whole reproduction, marriage thing i'd be signedup for a few website that would suck money out of my wallet every month and meet men online. dating and being single in this day & age is a blessing and a curse. i should want to be a financially desperate enough to hunt for a mate; i am broke but i have never been enticed my someone's wallet.
i have become immune to well-dressed man unless it’s a guy i am seeing and it’s a mutual fanfare; wearing the right graysuit with the proper shoes is boring.. don't get me wrong-i like a well dressed man, someone that update their wardrobe without looking too trendy, too hip. someone that has a sense of who they are not the money that lines their wallet or their egos. men who allow money to become their definition seem to miss the fine lining-the small everyday things. i have seen empty large houses with empty souls-i witnessed men who define themselves by their cars, their promotion, not friends, moments or the stuff that matters.
my childhood has made me want to be better than my past, i want to be better than what the things i have done that i couldn't fix. i have learned things about myself these past few months that i have not seen about myself before. learned that i can have feelings, communicate and also forfeit without feeling bad about the outcome. i have also learned to see happiness, friendship and value the moments i would rush past in order to find something bigger and better; because sometimes what is bigger and better is right in front of you, you just don't see it.
