STUMbling moments

for as long as i can remember-being present in the here&now has been hard, mainly due to some hard times i had growing up and as an adult. being in the moment is sometimes the hardest thing there is; expecting what's going on as it happens. the last few months have awakened me to the fact that i still find ways to retracting into something that left me scarred. when we think we have love, we misconstrue it in order for it to serve us, usually in our minds. someone i thought i was in love for the past two years had me convinced that i was. even when the convenience of his condescending behavior often left me in tears; there was thin ice all around me.

i would often wonder how long the easy days would last, just as i would become used to them, he made sure to flip everything on its head and blame me in the process, projection that usually came loaded with guilt the size of small mountains. i would become defensive, have nightmares, often waking up in terror when i was with him and after i left. it took months for my body to feel safe enough to not sleep fetal the entire night. when i realized i could stretch out all my limbs & still feel safe, the nightmares began to pass. i learned from a yoga instructor to breathe with my lower abdomen, a part of my body i had forgotten was there.

the relationship i was in has left me scars, and shadows often creeping up in everyday life, clouding the laughter of my friends, a conversation and sometimes intimacy. i take a breath and inhale where i am; at that moment-i try to look at as an outsider seeing how tense my shoulders become as the flashbacks don't completely return but cause me enough stress that my muscle become tense with memories. people can reflect the past more than we want them to, for me it's usually smell. therapists call these triggers, triggers that can remove you out of the present and place you back in the past. each time i have one, i have to do what most alcoholics do, and take inventory; what's making my body feel unsafe and why am i tensing up? i was once triggered by seeing my abuser, hearing his voice and other personal traits. now, when i see him i don't feel anything, not even anger or hate.

it has taken me a longtime to get to this point, and i am starting to feel comfortable with being by myself. being alone and not having a fear, is a small learning curve. for the first time in my life, i am no longer actively seeking a relationship; it feels weird to not having to chase away loneliness. i recently met someone who smokes more green than he has money; my first impression of him was false, extremely so. he's incapable of being in a quiet place and needs audio distractions; something that showed me that he had more war wounds. fearing quiet space and being alone, is something i was once did; i had to have a audio distraction so i wouldn't dive straight into my flashbacks.

now, when i walk down the street, i listen to the neighbor kids as they play in my neighborhood, the different sounds of cars, emergency vechiles chasing lives. i don't fear hearing life taking place around me. it's the same way i feel about having relationships, and being alone. my first goal this spring is to be employed on a consistent basis with a good boss, a year ago something i didn't think i deserved, or thought i was capable of. i want to feel my own money in my hand-without hearing judgements from my past.

hence, when i stumble into moments, like the other night, when i had a bowl of sushi with a date-it was intimate, tender moment that he and i both enjoyed without expectations. we often don't see these moments till they're past us. i try to stay with myself no matter how hard words may be, and i no longer fear expressing myself. next time something i may love or hate happens, i will feel all of it& breathe when it's over knowing that the backdoor to the past swung open catching me off guard. stumbling through each day can be hard if i am not able to feel them-and when i do without fear it feels great. great to be in the arms of someone i enjoy, great to see what i thought was love pass me without flinching, just being right there, each breath that the moment is-and allowing myself to stumble into them.