GREAT expectations

great expectations are usually just that. since, becoming newly minted single-i have encountered a few interesting men: men that assume that sexual favors are handed out like mints at restaurants-that expect you to read their minds& lose their ability to speak when they see you-long lost fling that still doesn't know what to do..i am categorizing on purpose, men seem to fit into these small pockets and their behaviors as most of their actions no longer baffle, or astound me. i had a small expectation this weekend; although i came down with a cold and was sneezing& watching bad television. i had this idealistic thought that i would walk around on a mild night watching art with a guy i have a crush on.

valentine's day has very little to do with this idea; although in my 20's i was depressed and sad if i was not seeing someone on the cliched holiday it has become. the lack of materialistic gifts(chalky chocolates, and red roses) dumped on my lap and dinners out(not Thai food) was something i thought i should have. valetine's day has become a large cash crop for hallmark who has made it one of the most profitable days of the year. the sell-out of cheap cards with cliched expressions that are supposed to say what we're not capable of the rest of the year. proposals have increased on valentine's day for men that can't take ques from queer eye on how to be romantic. it's really not that difficult but with societies ideals stuffed down our throats within weeks of christmas, but valentine's day rolling around i want to have a stuffed bear, chalky chocolate party..as it still seems to be what retailors are buying wholesale.

the other half of the spectrum is that a majority of couples break up either in public over some reserved meal; this occurs either before or right after. it's a trend with my friends-- since my 30th birthday i have become more realistic rather than more cynical. if someone doesn't feel the same way for me as i do them; i let them go. no longer having great expectations of my relationships; understanding that love shouldn't be forced.. love is a gift. having read great expectations, it's one of my favorite charles dickens books. he addresses the idea of what love is and how we want to manipulate it into something that suits us; when it suits us. i will refer to my earlier post about my x who demanded that forgive him on his schedule rather than giving me time to breathe. it was an expectation that went grandly flat, because he was not taking my feelings or how his actions where effecting my feelings into account. that is what dickens write's so well about in his book; how a certain main character love's a certain woman that is not allowing him until she is ready. love is the same, you have to give it room to breathe-and sometimes you have to let it go.

great expectations are namely that-so for the first time in my life, i have put this idea away-because i realize that i am lucky to have the friends i have in my life. that their love means a great deal to me; being with someone is great as long as the communication remains open. last week a few days after my party, i saw someone in a dark, smokey bar i had not seen in ages. he kept looking as did i and he made no attempts to say hello and when i left i was disappointed as i recognized him from another part of my life. i also saw someone last week on the way to my new writing pad who still renders me speechless. i was relieved that he was not on the bus as i would have lost my ability to speak- again. maybe sometime this spring, i will gain that back along with letting infatuations go. i will have to see? maybe, out of the blue-the way fate has that ability he will find me, on a rainy winter corner.

i will not spread out a table top of expectations-but will wait till the ground feels solid beneath my feet-and see what happens??? happy valentine's day!! remember to do all the things you're doing on valentine's day-everyday!