do you use?

radiance:
the familiar arrivals,
departures,
and even predictable
orbits in which, with excited
constancy, by how
to each other
we're held, we keep
from spinning out
by how to each other
we hold.
relations
by philip booth

i was trying to find a way to lead into this entry-i was given Good Poems for christmas & stumbled onto this part of relations by philip booth; my past-coming crashing into my life recently. a line caught my eye-spinning out not only because it has been a phrase that has been part of my life till i realized i don't have to Spin over anything/anyone.

a couple of years ago i would beg, plead just to have a warm body next to me in bed-waking up to someone, co-dependency fueled by dysfunction, post traumatic stress & fibromyalgia-both inter-related & a dash of irritable bowl syndrome. i heard a sad story on npr recently how United States contractors are coming back with post traumatic stress to No health insurance, psychologists or a safety net to help them deal with what they experienced in iraq. trauma shows up in drinking, promiscuity& addiction. i have met people who claim that their trauma is Gone-trauma is never Gone; flashbacks episodes can dissipate with the right counseling & support.

my dating life has been on ice for the past 10months!! that's Right folks 10months; whatever is floating around on the internet about me is hearsay & defamation. my very sexy nights are spent defragging my laptop, watching how i met your mother-and the class with csi & ugly betty! once during the full moon i will go out for a b&b & last call isn't that exciting anymore, nor bad Pick Up artistes.

how each other we hold

before i understood why i was spinning--standing still meant Feeling, pain-anger, loneliness. i sunk into long islands, bad kissers& worse lovers. i wouldn't had to be by myself with Feelings & flashbacks. Post Traumatic Stress can be triggered by smells, voice & touch. soldiers coming back from iraq have spoken about the fear of bridges, open highways-all places ied's have hit caravan's, where they have watched terror most of us can only imagine in scope & reality. seeing bridges-then becomes a trigger. i have described before what having a trigger feels like for someone who doesn't have trauma.

imagine the most gruesome nightmare you have ever imagined: your fear & how your body Felt that fear makes a trigger. blood pressure surges, mind races& you see whatever nightmare you experienced over& over in high definition in your mind-people with acute trauma are unable to focus, Be in the Present. Survivors of Trauma eyes will change as they enter the flashbacks caused by the trigger, their voice will change, they may become aggressive, hostile-usually out of nowhere to people that don't read signals they're experiencing.

enough of sinking into living with Trauma; on a brighter note i purchased Blundstones (Blunnies)-@ the height of comeF***meboots, re-vamped madonna like a virgin look i decided to go Vanilla with my clothes. i don't have a dire need to Prove something in my 30's?

for the 1st time in a decade that i'VE felt Grounded & happy-as a singleton. my Blunnies signal embracing the Future & leaving ThePast one-foot step, leap @ a time (that's when i get permission to run again...)

http://www.blundstone.com
http://www.webmd.com