War Within Themselves Wage

"now, where the swift Rhone cleaves his way between
Heights which appear as lovers who have parted
in hate, whose mining depths so intervene,
that they can meet no more, though broken-hearted;
though in their souls, which thus each other thwarted,
Love was the very root of fond rage
which blighted their life's bloom, & then departed:
itself expired, but leaving them an age
of years all winters,---war within themselves wage."
Childe Harolds's Pilgrimage, Canto III

anger is one of those things that are Not talked about-until encountered;showing someone for who they really are. showing how someone is able to release their anger-without harming someone else, being hostile or abusive. anger is something i have the right to feel-& it's rare for me to show because anger Literally makes me sick. i have fibromyalgia triggering fibroFlares days when i feel pain & feel emotionally& physically drained. days i spend taking vitamin b & cutting down on coffee. i recently encountered hostility from a poorly fed dragon-trapped in a dark castle (like the one in shrek.) lots of Fire, as when you're angry burning bridges is easier than finding a middle ground.

they way i learned about saying what i mean & meaning what i say was from watching people in my life that don't. accountability has a strong connection to me because it's tied together with anger. if i am angry & i do something that, have bad repercussions i take ownership for whatever this is. it's recognizing that i have done something wrong-or harmed someone i care for. i have discovered recently that there's this trend of 7th grade childishness; being caught without a hallpass or throwing food in the cafeteria. acting out without taking responsibility. it doesn't help that reality tv shows are showing toxic unhealthy fighting without consequences.

the spewing anger in myspace-i recently encountered a man wearing a badge for a living who not only was unprofessional; harassing local business owners when his investigation was not complete. it's not as if this type of un-professionalism is new-dating back to older cities in other states, that pair of underwear that has holes in it & are never replaced. replacing the pair of underwear means going through the entire drawer. i finally asked if he had completed his investigation-mentioned that his behavior was harassment & re-victimizing me said more about his view of women than my own medical documented issues; his sympathy was fake.

i pity men that act that way because of the true monster they are able to become. it's a kind anger that has killed wives of police officers-making them into the nastiest kind of criminal because they know how to sidestep the law. i can recall a meeting i sat in over 10years ago i saw fighting over something i never expected peanut butter-the decisive factors where that we had to come to agreement rather consensus. i was in high school my house was a war-school was a minefield. i bounced between the 2 i was taught anger-in the rawest instinct that it is the purest nastiest form. in the meeting that lasted nearly 4hours-we came to agreement- crunchies versus smooth, organic versus peterpan.

the first time i saw people express how they felt without harming someone else-throwing things or hitting below the belt. i learned that anger could be made into something healthy. screaming, humiliating, being emotionally abusive never solves problems-they're emotional grenades that accomplish nothing. i found the quote for this entry in M. Shelley's frankenstein dealing with anger & displacement--humanities ugliest flaws. i only hope that we can learn to take accountability when we cause real harm from anger-rather than acting as cowards. for me & my anger-it's something i am no longer ashamed of-when my body/boundaries are taken for granted i defend myself. however-i try not to blowFire & burn bridges 7th grade wasn't that cool.