FineLinings

recently, several unexpected things have happened in my life-one of them being my company; findingLove& discovering that i have to make some decisions in regards to reproduction, sooner than i had expected. things always seem to come in 3's for me. for the last decade i have had pain in my abdomen& pelvis Ignoring it. this month i learned that i have cysts the size of a little bit bigger than golfBalls that are hemorrhagic. this has also created some tough questions i didn't think i'd be asking for 5years.

i look@ challenges as learning experiences & theyare meant to teachMe something i didn't necessarily know before. spending the weekend on a hospital mattress being prodded, poked & given drugs is not my idea of fun. i'd almost prefer to be lost camping-as i know better what to do in that kind of situation. when you're lying straight out on a hospital bed fatalityHas this way of creepingup on you.

it did with me-questioning what my goals are; what is important in my life-what Do i ActuallyWant out of it. i have done lots of thinking in the past 2weeks. i know that love doesn't come wrapped in a bow; because no one is Perfect. i am one for admitting my Mistakes; however recently i am learning howmuch i sabotage even my own selfEsteem. as someone that has suffered from acute& mild PTSD for a decade i know that the 2 go hand inHand.

now-the greatest fear i have is looking @ me-things i haven't had the brain capacity for till now-kids. if you had told me that i would be facing this Now i would have laughed-& said you where joking. being a good mother is something i want to be-i have to make some serious decisions in regard to my ovaries& the future.

maybe i will have the socioConstruct of wife/mother sooner than i thought? who knows-till i get in to see a specialist i will be limping through myCity enjoying seeing mountains-covered in snow, greeting mothers with their children & being grateful that my cyst didn't takeMe this time.