swedishMeatballs

here i was in the midst of diamond ads on the telly, carols in everystore i frequent beginning to feel like scrooge & grinch until this weekend. when a goodfriend inspired me to decorate my apartment-hanging my ornaments, while we drank the best Glogg i have ever made, i mean-Ever. amazingly yummy stuff-all thanks for my mother's great recipe. i bought myself this great new teddy bear @ one of my favorite places to people watch. i may Not have a tree, or a 2.5 kids with a trophy catch on my arm-but i have great friends...

who are there when i pick up phone dial, guilt me for not coming to their shows-promise i will be there next week, promise. really. i knew i was going to get busted-today i was. as i was a few weeks ago when i ran into one of my favorite bartenders who asked where i had been. those are things that are better than some contrite commercial image of christmas. i am expecting my mother's tin of famously goodcookies, looking forward to 05 ending. i may shaking my booty into 06...?

what have i learned this last year: when my intuition kicks in-it means something is Actually wrong or a situation is wrong. if i have to explain hugging my male friends to a man i am dating, i will place him on my SOL list(don't let the doorhit you on the way out.) the same goes for men who crush on their roommates, have no life outside of burning man& list designer drugs& misuse Habitual&weed in the same sentence-Eh, not sexy. i also realized that RealLove is Not what i Wasted 2 years going back/forth to.

as a goodfriend keeps saying-he wants me to date, i am sick of Lines, i have heard enough to write a book. i'd rather meet someone that i can be myself with; understanding that i may have been dragged by my heels this year- i didn't break, & who doesn't look @ me as damaged i am not. you see the one thing i know that i didn't realize till i left Greg(when he was fukcing the neighbor in the pink condo unit-his dog led me to her door-thanks Sniffy!!) & Justified throwing me out; continuing by threatening, dragging me to court, lying under oath& playing "The System." than spending the last 14 months stalking, harassing & attempting to destroy my name& reputation online and off making him Coward.

most of what he did, as i learned in the domesticViolence shelter is/was because he no longer has control over me; & the people that truly count in my life, where honest enough to tell me that they never liked him when i was with him anyway. i may have spent months, living out of my samsonsite, wondering where my pillow would end up next, but each month after leaving i learned something---Actually.

i almost lost my self identity my belief in my own abilities& recognizing that i can contribute making a difference. a real difference people can feel & experience. it's what i do with my company, it's how i embrace my male friends without retribution or having to wonder how i will explain Why i hugged someone i love. that i am allowed to have several goodFriends not just One-that they can be of either sex-they can be superGQ or superGeeky i can hug them without Guilt, i can flirt& i do without Guilt...

i can go out & come home whenever i want, i have yet to break in my new bed-i can be adored,wakingUp without nightmares, or wondering How i will Explain hugging Myfriends. i have been told my face is softer these days,looking less stressed, my eyes look clear, skin does as well. i had a day where i cried last week, i had PMS & had a mild PTSD trigger. all i did was pick up phone, my voice calmned, it passed. i didn't have explain Why i felt that way & got the support i needed.

i am grateful for Greg, but more grateful for Sniffy-all the walks Sniffy & i would not have become addicted to my favorite coffee house or become a fan of Mighty O donuts. i wouldn't have met a man that makes his own strawberry jam& beer. i am grateful for another reason too, Greg is Just like my parents, i feel like i stood on the edge of the cliff with Thelma& Louise & i decided i didn't need to jump, just see how far up i was & to realize i don't want to repeat abuse i grewUp with& Greg was thePerfect candidate.

Greg wanted me to Believe i was abusive, that's been provenWrong-all i haveTo do is goOutside& smile. i am funny, sarcastic, emotional, honest-& a big flirt, i love lots of people. just Not Greg; i don't think i ever did. that's Truth i can live with, because love shouldn't prick you like a cactus, it's soft, warm & isn't Afraid to hold your hand..i know i look good because i love myself now, from the inside out. maybe that's why i made Perfect Swedish meatballs & glogg(mulledWine.) i knew i always could, i just didn't believe in myself. Belief is just that precious. as we say where i grewUp-God Jul og Godt Nytt Aar!! see you ya'll in 06.