FluidMotion

yucky topics are done for a while, thanks to all of you who read it and gave me your honest opinion. biology and sex are never easy topics and with the increasing rise of STD's and traumatized people it has become unhealthy outlet. anyway, this is a light entry, sort of like the first beetle ad from ten years ago, fluffy white clouds. maybe, it's the fact that summer has Finallycome to seattle or maybe it's that i made some hard choices i am no longer afraid to stick by.

i recently helped a close friend of mine pack, it was 48hrs of boxes, memories and emotions. so, today i am having fibroflare day, my body is hurting, my thoughts become jumbled and i am sticking to the basics. laundry-that's always exciting on a 90 degree day, like Not-but there's a breeze and i am sitting outside waiting for the dryer to finish.

change comes gradually sometimes we don't see it or we don't want to feel it; because it means that there mightBe tough or easy times ahead. people become uncomfortable by choice unless it's tomato sauce @ trader joe's than we don't fightChange. if it's in our lives, we usually fight it-i have on more than one occasion said ScrewIt because i haven't wanted to deal with what my choice was.

choice is that part of us that has been written in poetry, books and those pesky know-it-all psychology books. media has created this constant need for whatever the new gadget is, longTerm relationships we can thank eharmony for; however choices are exactly that. i prefer it when i know myself& what i want, and for the first time in a decade the line of Friends has hit the garbage can.

i saw it coming-this change, why because i feel that i have given seattle fiveYears which is better than most twoYear relationships. a good friend of mine is currently traveling the country; hence i am going to wait till he gets here in the early fall to see if i still want remain in this city. i have known him a decade and no one comes close him, in manyWays. i think embracing change is easier than fighting it, why because all it creates is more stress. seattle proved a point to me, as another good friend of mine said to me the other day; i came here seeking love and i was proved short, on many points. i wouldn't trade the world for the friendships i have made and how i have come appreciate good coffee, view of the mountains and nature.

a friend of mine has come to stay with me, circumstances in his life brought him back to me. something i have been really grateful for, why because he was one of my first boyfriends in seattle and because he has steppedUp and been there when others have found an excuse, a lie and cowardly actions. it has brought me back to my decision to my transition and to change. i can recall last summer when i didn't listen to my instinct that was screaming in my ear that it was wrong. the things i have gained and forfeited from it has taught me a great deal.

sometimes that's what we need, a real swiftkick in the rear to reallySee; i have had a huge learning curve lately in more ways than one. having PostTraumaticStressDisorder has made the last decade of my life really hard, up until this year. for the first time i am able handle the stress the illness creates, breakingThrough a large wall recently. i made a last attempt of love in this city and had my HeartBroken. a year ago i would have numbed myself with my walkman, listening to music& theradio 24/7-now i breathe into the pain, i hear the city, kids& cars. ANYthing. it's a Gift to be able to feelPain, Not fear it.

i met someone i couldsee in a peterGabriel song, he made my heart flutter, i challenged him, he challenged me..1.(i have learned something this week; to not forfeit and not giveUp on others because it's convenient. he said to me in the earlyHeat of morning that i have been where he is; hence i should have more patience. he's right. stayTuned. )

Trust is a bigDeal to me-it's earned overTime and in action, i have had men tell me they'd do anything, it usually just means that they want to get laid, fill your head with crap and not have to take ownership for their behavior or actions. this guy felt different, not because of the challenges, but because he said heLoved me and i know he meant it. yesterday felt like the sky hadFallen, my heart& soul hurt, because i have fibromyalgia the pain i felt in mychest moved to every muscle in my body, lowered my voice and brought on exhaustion i haven't felt in years.

today, because i am healthy, i substituted beet juice and some powerful antioxidants for pain medication. my kidney usually hurts when i need to detox-last night it did. i wokeUp today, it's a FullMoon-and felt clear headed, focused and Notafraid of my feelings nor what just transpired. i won't forget him or what the few weeks did in my life, or pain that wrecked me yesterday. iBreathed into all the pain and gathered enough of myself to attempt a party lastNight; i forgoed beer& stuck to juice. i want him back with everyBone in my body, the way i wanted what i Lost three years ago-my heartHurt after i saw him lastWeek.

in a few weeks-i am traveling-spending the time away from seattle, to attempt figureOut where i want to be. i am also apartment hunting, for anyone searching i will spare you the uglyDetails. anyway, today my Heartknows, knows that it's loved, my friendMade pasta so good that i was homesick by the time i finished eating it. i amLoved, have beenMissed-my favorite band is back after a tour. am looking forward to moreRain. as for Love i will accept it; be greatful for thePatience i am being taught& embrace life's moments.