dinnerForks& ForGIVEness

i am republishing yesterdays post after much thought. this is extended by a page so braceYourself-it won't goDown easy.

last year this month, i thought i was inLove-that i had found the wunderkind and was mentally preparing myself for what i thought was bliss. PlanetAsshole and i had decided after much debate to move in with each other, i recognized my mistake oneDay he came home from work, soon after moving in with him& said iwas OneOfThose women; i made him dinner after he expressed a hardDay @work. he would say belittling, insulting things often when i had made a gesture of kindness. PlanetAsshole was an emotional abuser, he was conniving, manipulative and was a master at triggering my PostTraumaticStressDisorder, my fault was trusting him, and attempting to loveHim. emotionalAbusers are people you can NeverBe on the rightside of, no matter how hard you may want it, they need control more.

i have recently experienced another bout of libel slander, it doesn't surprise me on one of the local Serverlists, here in seattle. PlanetAsshole has a connection within the prosecutors office(one of HISfriendsworks within one of the divisions here in the city) which made his threatening me with a libelOrder that has since been used to stalk me with; a hook, Line&sinker. it dawned on me recently that he knew who we went in front of(judges and commissioners-this connection and what hisFriend may have done is illegal) he is also a oscarWorthy liar and actor; i also have come to believe that he bribed his coworkers to write an entire page of something was witnessed for a mere 20seconds.

after reading the book, WhyDoes HeDo That, i recognize that PlanetAsshole setMeup that day, he wanted me to getAngry, hewanted me to lose my cool, it fit Into what he is Currently and have been doing for the past year, perfectly. if the Libelslander and what was posted recently was any indication. i realized too late, but am grateful that he also functions with an alias, Larry, he uses this alias when he spendsTime with his bestfriend a man that would call PlanetAsshole up to 8times in oneDay. at any hour, this fine angryGay man, also threatened me, along with PlanetAsshole on his behalf. his alias is disturbing, as i recognized last year, he also functions by what he thinks is Unamerican name when he travels, these are symptoms of a dangerous mentalIllness, one that his coworkers i believe are unaware of.

he oftenWould tell me that hewas Afraid of people listening to Hisconversations, and admitted after i found a list of names of nearly 20 people, that he uses codeNames, something i stopped using in Gradeschool. it's a redFlag because it shows paranoia, along with his charismatic behavior has now developed from sociopath, something he found funny to psychopath, who tend to become more violent and aggressive. the stalking, has increased since his birthday in april, heHas a fascination of parading around his next victim, she is Ofcourse the ONEthat has Rescued Larry from me.

he enacted the same behavior after his former fianceFinally had the courage to leaveHim, i was rescuer, i had to carry Hisemotional baggage, it was Expected. Larry is incapable of handling emotions himself, his tendency and jokes about violence in our relationship is now something i view as threatening Behavior. this is what has sparked my AbsoluteNeed to leave this destructive, paranoid man that i attempt toLove behindMe and be here Now. without excuses or fallingBack into what iView as theDarkSide, starWars joke intended.

so, i have come to this point in my life, i have begun to ForgiveMyself, for finding the identical chaos as what i grewUP with in my Family. i have come to that famous fork in the road& it's time to shakeTHEPast, something i have been doing for nearly a year, eachDay it becomes easier-sunShines& summerVolleyball is back at my favorite beach, and burningMan parties are everyWhere. there's even a Crush, or maybe lust? i went back to the SwedishCenter here in seattle today and was embraced by a room full of grayhair and smiles; very symbolic(i met PlanetAsshole at the center) &empowering. i had to holdBack my tears, because like some many things PlanetAsshole has attempted to destroy lately, this was intact.

having postTraumaticstressDisorder can do manythings to your head, depending on how severe your trauma is, your triggers varies and as you attempt to conquer them, for me it's voicand touch-sometimes smell. PTSD, is multi-system disorder, someone that has it can come off relaxed oneMinute and terrified and or emotional the next; hence as someone that has been misdiagnosed as having manic-depression, and other disorders that mirror a badcase of MalPractice i can tellyou that a person with PTSD functions within the variants within, symptoms that may look like bipolar but are not. i was diagnosed with PTSD in the fall of 1997, by a fab therapist backEast. i owe her for manythings including reachingOut a hand and telling me the nightmares would pass.

having the diagnosis of PTSD for nearly a decade has taught me many things that a majority of people doesn't understand or know the link between PTSD and Fibromyalgia, and other illnesses. not until the fall of 2001 did anyone have anyIdea what my mentalIllness actually was, or they had very little understanding of it. the best way i can describe what it was like when i was not in therapy is that fall. i flew into NewYorkCity in the height of the 80's, we stayed in midtown manhattan, my dad rented a cadillac that we drove to what would be our first house out of 5 in the next decade. seeing the TwinTowers was something my parents took us to almost immediately, it was like pilgrimage, and one thatI had a chance to do in the mid1990's, i remember the longLines at the entrance and multiple languages that drifted through the air, that and powersuit, highHeels and those classy shoulderPads.

in the fall of 2001, i had moved from an island in pugetsound to a house that overlooked the ferries and the city; i had smashingly goodView of city and no longer was what they call a ferryslave. because PTSD centers around trauma intense often the kind of stuff that makes us want to giveUp when the Towers fell; i hit an emotional rockBottom. i would go to an atm, which would tell me to overdraw, i did as the everything had the appearance of another landattack, the question was that fall where?

triggers come in soo many forms it's hard to describe what would set me off, when the airplanes began to fly, that was a trigger. a goodFriend of mine stood on LongIsland and watched the fighters as they attempted to intersect but was too late. i remember how much he and talked that fall, how many phonecalls we shared with each other, how our friendship became sealed. another goodfriend of mine from college, now in IT support had a friend in his department mother who stood in the subway station a stop away, another friend of his mother called in sick and never went to work.

watching the rainbow colored, so-called warning system made my PTSD worse, it also stressed out my friends that fall and the proceeding spring. it was like watching sesame street but this ugly adult version with colors and no treats when you got something right. something would be called out, and a fewhours or days later they'd apologize, and this would lead to another investigation. well, as someone that has suffered with PTSD-it made me ill, a year later that same fall nearly the same month i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, something that is also linked to another ailment i am no longer plagued by.

i have spent most of life not feeling safe, which has lead me to have nightmares, and to seek chaos, because it's all i know it's something i'd like to change. the symptoms i have that are PTSD related are no longer severe, because for the first time in my life, i feel safe, safe with myself, even on what i call my uglyDays. it's when i can't see the forest for the trees; or i have a spilled milkDay, something that most women experience around their period, you cry over the lamest stuff. my favorite embarrassing moment from this is when i cry over sappy soap opera lines or better yet something really tacky(insert savant experience here.)

back to the fork, i am looking @ dinnertable, and i have been eating with the salad fork, it's small and hard to hold, let's call the saladFork-PlanetAsshole; and i no longer like the dressing or the tiny tomatoes. i want to eat with a dinnerFork, and a desert spoon, so i can stir my coffee when i eat my cheesecake. i will call the dinnerFork, NOW and the saladFork PlanetAsshole, the hardest, most difficult part of PTSD is not allowing the saladFork room on my Plate, anyone with manners knows you don't mix forks at dinner, it's poortaste, and highly insulting. anyway, so i want to be in the NOW. today for example i was, the entire time i was at the Swedish Center, even for most of the afternoon.

it's experiencing everything emotionally without the need to flee it in my head, like forgiving myself for my mistakes, or a few weeks back when i sat in a bar and a Wanderlust i was with complimented me on staying on topic& not picking up the wrongFork in the conversation. so, that's my new challenge, you see-i want to let Love in and it does truly terrify me; for the First time inMy life because i know what it's like to trust my intuition, and accept that I Do deserve it.

i know that Love Isn't Chaos, nor lies but sweet, tender and usually in my life comes out of Leftfield, so i never see the ball. my other favorite analogy is comparing it to volleyball, a small game with a few players and the ballgoes Deep, meaning close to backLine, so you don't think it's actually In when it is. watch anyGame of volleyball pro or otherwise, shrugs and swears usually follow in sac-session, when the opposing team gets close to back line and get a point. i don't know exactly what the next few weeks will bring& i haven't hatched all my eggs in one basket, but i know i am ready& i know i deserve everything it brings.