tree'sShadows

i am posting this post after a badnight of insomnia...

the last year has brought on many changes in my life; it has given me the chance to want to transform where i came from and where i am going. for the first time since what i have come to call recently, PlanetAsshole; i recommend not purchasing property there as it can deteriorate and erode quickly. i went with friend to a park-i once spent hours in-and stood in front of a tree, that has duplicated itself-and has branches reaching out in many different directions. seeing this tree and seeing myself has become a like opening another aspect of who i want to be. to me comfort&chaos always came in pairs.

imagine walking through a blizzard into a quiet garden followed by a tornado following usually within a few hours or days dependingon how angry my father was. the effect of a constant shifting ground has become an association for me-i see one and assume the other will follow. it has made me a great saboteur of relationships-if a guy saw me not thebadges of courage i was wearing i fled. when a goodfriend of mine told me that he didn't care&he stayed it began to slowly create a shift.

when i was young and we lived in norway i was, living on a few acres outside of oslo-in a wickedly cool house. my dad was making goodmoney so we had heated floors, triple pained windows and most of family helped build it. my sister and i put on the first coat of paint..it was a great house surrounded by a trees and a forest that was literally in our backyard. berry picking meant we walked maybe 20 minutes for patches of blueberries& raspberries.

tree's have always been a great part of my life, my grandfather had chestnut tree's in front of his house in sweden, to this day it's one of my favorite tree's seeing how the flowers grow into this soft round shells that in fall bringing beautiful brownnuts. i am now trying to find my ownTree. i don't want to run because someone see'sMe-not the past i have brought into other relationshipswith me. the guy i was seeing is special because he was sincere, honestly and sweetly& because he didn't flee when heard my story.

back to my original idea-growth is hard-because it requires change-and bracing fear, for me it's facing my past&seeing an oldtree that was once tied to lies i inhaled like an astronaut on an oxygen tank. stability without chaos is a new thing for me; embracing someone that see's theEntire me is another, not seeing the scars of my past, badges of strength i was forced to earn; because no one protected me from the storms that came down my house when my father was on a rampage. i don't want to lose someone because i assimilate stability&chaos and don't expect one without the other. unfortunately emotional abusers inflict& create thisconstant moving ground-it's easier to have control.

i look@ this new journey like another tree, maybe not one that has had too much fertilizer like the one in park, but a tree that has one solid, dependable trunk that i can feel comfortable leaning against. i'd rather embrace stability hoping that i won't fear this woman i want to become. it means leaving all these uglyparts i have always thought i have to carry with me. for me walking in that park this past weekend was exhilarating not because of the memories thought i would haveto carry but for the memories my springswanderlust created with me.

there where smallsteps, steps that i can no longer fear. so, this spring i embrace this newfound stability the way we once explored other continents without fear of what would be there, rather what we would find. it's like my favorite tree that i had in my backyard in norway, an aged peartree that had sagged against a smallrock face we had on the property, even with moss&deteriorating branches the tree kept producing these small uneatable pears, everysingle summer we lived in that house.

the tree was a fighter and it's smooth old back was easy toclimb. the pear tree is a good metaphor for change-stability& the ability to create and giveRebirth. it will always be my favorite tree-that and the wheatfields that i skied over in the winter-when the wholeworld was glistening in pure white and everything was quiet and calm.