UnderTOES

when i was young, thunderstorms would jar my sister and i into our parents bed. our house would rock with the storm, as it swung across swamps that surrounded our house. lightning struck tree’s, parking lots and my classmates pools, it dragged sand onto roads and houses and turned the longisland sound into a raging sea. i was introduced to the dangers of the under-toe, in the heat of summer. i had a goodfriend that worked as a lifeguard-and worked the smallcove i went swimming in. waves where hitting the beach, the wind was gusting and i decided to go swimming. longisland sound was never a hot place to swim but that summer the water felt warm. i could see lightning streaking across the sky along longisland-as the storm gained momentum.

i swam out-waves hitting my face and seaweed had been uprooted and didn’t notice something i should have. i made it out to the buoy and began swimming back to shore-i realized pretty quickly that i was being pulled out rather than in, i had been caught in an under-toe. i could see land but couldn’t swim towards it; i took swimming lessons, more as a refresher course by my parents than need. i went into a deadmans float-to save strength and started thinking how i could get back into shore. the wind was gusting and the waves where hitting the beach i had gone in from, and no sight of anyone on land; i didn’t know if i should scream because i didn’t think anyone saw me.

as i was being pulled out, i remember what a good friend had told me if i was caught in an under toe. swim sideways, and conserve strength. i took deep breaths and began catching the white caps of the waves. each time the waves came i swam sideways, and took small brisk strokes in between. when i reached the beach, the sun was down, the wind had brought the lightning i saw when i was in the water. i remember feeling exhausted that i had made it in, feeling wet sand beneath my feet, my legs shaky, i was soo relieved i cried in the car, my body shaking in shock and relief.

there are many things that can become an undertoe, for me the last 2 years was being manipulated back into a toxic relationship with a man that has never taken ownership for his action; the only place i know he is capable is at an office. last fall, when i was just starting to get my footing back-i was reminded by how he sought&destroyed my selfesteem it was how he had control. abuse takes many shapes, and most people think that abuse is physical, 90% of abuse is emotional; and most emotional abusers behave like victims. my x threatened, taunted and harassed me after he told me he was throwing me out.

why, you ask? well, i caught him in several lies, and he expected my forgiveness the way most of america orders fastfood. i was clear with him that we would need to rebuild, rebuilding and solving problems is not something emotional abusers do. they must project their issues onto other to deflect from what they are doing which usually entails in my case making me feel isolated, alone and crazy. i say crazy because my x wanted me to believe this-it was his way of tipping the boat, and making me think that i would drown. drown in my own self esteem that he had treated like a moshpit. i have been threatened by a man who is inlove with him, i was expected to feel crazy, how else could he keep up his lies and appearances. his new wartactic is now to libel me. that doesn’t include harassment by his friends and people that has bought his informercial. he once jokingly told me he thought he was a psychopath-and proceeded to laugh. the only thing i could do was to play along.

rebuilding the last 6months has been slow, feeling stable, and not wondering if the ground will begin to shift beneath has been like riding a bike for the first time. i had spent 2years with a man that mirrored my father down to the whiskey on his fridge. it began with a sweet, tender lover i will refer to as B. i owe many things to B; his ability to gauge my mood-giving the pieces to communicate, something i feared-see what’s tucked beneath. B and i spent hours in bed, and out of bed. after the lushness of red cheeks we would shower and walk a few blocks and sit sidebyside barely speaking to each other. silence became intimate the way the sex was.

B would hold me-the day a judge gave my current stalker and x permission to continue to stalk and harass. he knew something was wrong. he came back to find me shaking and my eyes bloodshot; he didn’t waiver. he could see the wrath my x had left on my body, the way i tiptoed around him when i didn’t know what iwas observing was anger or happiness. how my post traumatic stress was a badge on my sleeve. i will be eternally grateful for those few weeks in heaven in that small, dusty apartment we shared with each other. he was different, i could sit and look into his eyes and i knew he saw the whole me. there’s people like B; Gifts, unexpected. i lovehim. i always will. he was the one that saw the complete me and my strength i was completely unaware of. i began to feel sexy, something that had been hibernation. i remember the a sunday westayed tucked beneath the sheets; i had forgotten this essential part of me. it was the beginning-of getting out of the undertoe that my x nearly drowned me in.

somedays i still see the whitecaps on longisland sound and recall how my body-felt exhausted when i reached land. how feeling land beneath my feet was like being in B’s arms-lightning dancing around me; feeling safe from the storm i had swum right into. i also understand the libel campaign my x is so geared into. i may have been crazy for going back/forth to him-but i recognize the acid bath my soul was taking. it’s like objects we see in the rearview mirror, when gaining distance to the 18wheeler doesn’t seem scary.

i view myself as a sprouted plant that has found sunlight-and a corner of the yard where the wind doesn’t get to it. eachday the sun is out even when it’s raining. eachday i wake-feeling safe, is a gift. seeing the undertoe is half the battle& not being tempted to swim back into the storm will be something i will be fighting, because it’s all i know-and it’s something iwant to change each day i feel the sun.