HOGdays

years ago i was diagnosed with a form of chronic fatigue called fibromyalgia-- i was heavily stressed and i didn't realize or see what i was doing to myself. today, i judge how much energy i will allow myself to feel for situations/people and the daily grind; the last few months where stressful and the weight of my past that i was forced to deal with till nearly christmas took its toll. what i realized i fled gave me strength-i had a choice to go down one road or another-i chose to leave behind my past and focus on me. sometimes this can become a daily task, to leave something/someone behind. saying good-bye to someone you thought you had feelings for, you thought you cared about or you thought was love can be difficult.

i called my post a hogday as i spent most of it seeing my own shadow, in other people's faces-it's weird when you see your reflection with someone else. your perspective and even when you see how far you have come. when you see yourself in the shadow of someone else it can obstruct your view-abusive people will attempt to undermine & sabotage your self-esteem, your goals & your inner peace. i achieved a small goal this week, i had something really great happen and it all took place on the same day--all within a couple of hours of each other. they where gifts& tokens of my own self that i hadn't seen in a longtime. it's when we can see ourselves with the sun and with the shadows that we start to change-i know who i was 6 months ago is not who i have become. i also am grateful for fate that allowed me the getaway from something that could have destroyed me.

it's also groundHOG day something i find as a european to be funny, using a rodent to judge a winter? the funnier part that this supposed four legged, bowlegged creature can give us winter or take it away. the four legged creature has spoken with great fanfare and we will supposedly have 6 more weeks of what i am not sure about?? the snow has been washed off the mountains and the days extend way above normal. global warming has shrunk the ozone layer in the part of the world where my grandmother resides that she has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time in her life.

back to shadows as this is my topic-part of having fibromyalgia is that i have to perceive what i will move forward with and what i will forfeit. the muscle disorder can bring bouts of insomnia, rheumatoid athritis and crystal memory, i do this on my bad days move from one room to the next and completely forget task. i have worked with this before and know that i am capable even under pressure to work. it means more concentration, focusing on what is my direct task is and what i have to do another day.

sabotage has been a word in my life for a few years now, it has been something i have been accused of-when larger pictures have come into play. i guess in some circles i am terrified of losing my independence-my space, for someone else. i spent such a longtime with an emotional abuser that a former lover told me that i needed to not be afraid of expressing myself. when you're with someone that belittles you for self expression, defending yourself constantly against verbal assaults and having to explain your meekest actions it does alter how you communicate with others. it has made me afraid, but not with my closest friends. i can flirt and talk a good game but when someone i care about asks me to not fear-the shadow returns.

tonight is also flare night-what that means is that i have muscle pain and i may have trouble sleeping. flares are signals to me that i am spending too much time thinking about situational issues or just things we all have to let go of. my intent with this blog is to focus on the simple because it's what i couldn't see for a long time. i don't expect people that i love to return to me-i accept that-gracefully. something years ago i would demand to have-i now have learned to shrug my shoulders about. i know the coming year will be good for me if the past month is an indication; i also have restored my faith- fate&love.

if things in my life become overwhelming or hard to grasp, i usually write in my journal or write a list. one pro-one con-it can be a good tool to address what seems impossible-& show what i can overcome. life has brought me many gifts& solutions. it has allowed me the chance to see the complete me-not the shadow of my past i had been carrying around for so long. do i think that everyday is a piece of eastcoast cheesecake-nope; when you can have the cake, and you can eat it too because you deserve a small treat for yourself it is.