WHat's TUcked BENeath

anger can do many things-in my life it has took form in my father’s abusive behavior, something i tucked beneath the surface. as a kid i was told to say everything was fine, without a blink, even when my eyes where bloodshot and i had circles beneath my eyes. things where far from fine, but the consequences of the domestic violence i grewup with has had longterm effects on my life. it has taken shape in relationships in manyways the consequence of growingup in a destructive home has caused me relationships and men.

i was running in the neighborhood i realized how bitter i am, i couldn’t figure out why? bitter and comingup to my favorite time of the month. noamount of chocolate seems to help, my jaw is clenched even as i am watching a New desperatehousewifes on tv. i did some of the hardest sprints since i left my old neighborhood a nearly a yearago. the sun was setting, city was beautiful, i even saw a handsome guy who said hello. there were all these beautiful people running along the water. i was ecstatic to have my favorite mp3 in my cdplayer i found a set of stairs. yet. my jaw was clenched.

i have spent soo much of my life telling my survivors story, the list of bad boyfriends, pattern of behavior that only comes from growingup in a house that would rock more than the local ferry in wind on bad days. i have even learned how to sabotage dates, turn men off that i really like, for fear, simple fear. fear that i recently discovered is also harbored in what i grewup with. there was a guy i met out west that i really adored, i was infatuated& i sabotaged it the minute i had him alone. a friend of mine recently told me i could have anyone, he followed it up with a snide remark i won’t repeat here. i sat there dumbfounded, as for the past 2weeks i have spent most of my time with the tv, and sappy movies.

it’s been a long time since i have shared a bed with someone i genuinely care about, made breakfast for someone. it’s weird how in the small moments you miss quirks, the way someone looks at you or saying hello on the phone. i miss the idea of that, the idea of what being with someone feels like. back to what i mentioned in the first paragraph, i don’t know what it’s like to Live. Right now. love to me has become something i am no longer looking for, no longer want. see previous post.

anger has always been part of my life and has taken manyshapes; one of the few shapes i have allowed to take in my life, due to my fibromyalgia i have been forced to look at what causes my stressors. this past weekend-it was due to a guy i met right after i wrote my last blog, i have always sworn off people that work within the medical field, now i know why. i’ll just say that there lives are more like that of pilots and my favorite vice, bartenders/barista’s. so, maybe i may have come onto to strong and maybe he talks through both sides of his mouth. at this point, the idea of him is long gone, it left this afternoon when i did one of my sprints.

i prefer to run/walk off my anger, it helps me clearup how i feel about my stress, arguments and sometimes it gives me the space i need to get a clear perspective on my feelings. having fibromyalgia has forced me to address stressors in my life and how much i am willing to take. i have spent nearly 2decades xtraining, it was something i started doing by accident, after a fight i had with my parents in high school. i haven’t stopped, when i first began i did about 2 miles, the circumference of my neighborhood, now i prefer stairs and nothing shorter than 6 miles. it has made me a fit and i have been able to manage my stress better.

i also have started looking at what triggers my anger, and feel more comfortable with that part of me. after leaving a destructive and hostile x last fall, i have learned that i have the right to my anger. right to express it in a healthy way. a lover told me last fall that i didn’t know how to communicate, in my former relationship communication came with repercussions that where severe and longlasting. now, when my jaw clenches and my breathing becomes shallow i start digging inside my own head to try to find what is causing me to feel hostile. what i have learned is to let go of the past with grace, i can only learn from it, and move forward towards the rising sun, and take a deep breath and take it all in. being in theMoment-even with my anger.