HANGingUp the LAsso

here it is, i have thrown in the towel on love, hungup my lasso, put the saddle back in the barn &quit. Why? cause-love for me came3 years ago, he swept in with early northen winds and left just as fast; see previous blogs. a friend of mine read my blog the other day and wrote about a brief but hot summer we had 8 years ago. i love him more than i could write on a page of ink, he has always been there. no buts, lameness-he wrote how much he misses me and he realized it after i left. that to me means more than some random shag, some random line written in the sand.

my 1stblog-what was, an ode to a man-that slipped out of my hands with the northern winds. i forgave him last summer, realized that i had spent years with the wrong guy. i don’t want to make that mistake again. love and feeling safe emotionally and physically for me means more than some roll in hay, or having to constantly redraw lines of what a friendship is. if my heart flutters when i’m with someone and when i kiss them the world stops, blinks along with me-i won’t take it for granted.

if i had known that i missed out on one of the best things in my life because the heat between us scared me i’d never would have let him go. it was impulsive, hot&real. love is all those things, i recognize that i may have really blown it. this catapulted me into wanting to be single, finicky, and grouchy. what i wrote about in my last blog is true, i have turned down 2 other men; soon to be more, i wore a small skirt with tights the other day, and i slowed traffic, something i have come to ignore. i have a brain and 2 legs is how i view myself. legs they’re there, but it doesn’t define who iam, they’re part of who i am.

my sexdrive is on ice, i had company the other night and turned him downflat, frustrated and flustered sometime around dawn. my re-organization of my life as pre-mentioned in my other entry. there is a boy i find fascinating, there is at least one, maybe2? he stares right through me; he did it today and i was left blank, sexual tension that reminds me of astroglide & college. he lives nextdoor and brushedup against me the other afternoon, close. he reads my favorite paper, big points, dresses a bit too trendy but his eyes remind me of chestnuts and home. he has curly hair, the way my first crush did when i was 13..his name was daniel and he lived next to my grandfather, we developed this crush over rotten apples and excuses to hangout. anyway, this current crush, knee jerks when he sees me, the way i do him; it’s a dance, flirting usually is-or a game of chess.

i’d call the current affliction checkmate, i can make a move and lose finding out what is name is, or i can stay in my position and wait. i hate waiting, but am getting used to delayed gratification; it really quenches thirst. i have also developed this highly cynical aspect of dating, and courtship; it has become like branding, or marketing. you have to have a to have b et cetera. it’s lame. i wrote last week, i am not thrilled by men who buy love, the bachelor series on tv is a good example of this. a contest either for one woman or a contest for a man, it’s tacky. a recent example of how poorly this show works is the recent airing, where the woman axed 2 men, the final 2 men.

courtship with expressive and respecting gestures have become blase, my x for example couldn’t understand why my mother was soo angered by his tardiness, you only have to do that when there’s a family meal in europe to have full comprehension ofWhy you don’t come late. ever. anyway, now that roses means you’re sorry rather than you love someone and nothing is ever serious until it has reached a 6 month/year mark. i am not a woman in a rush but if your feelings are there, why do you have to plan what will take place and when. the pressure to follow societal guidelines for pc rightness in dating is enough to make me gag. the current affliction on a non-profit server in my city is the lack of pictures that women post of themselves. as i said to a friend the other night, online dating is like wanting the newyork times but getting usa today. usually men who post online only seek one thing, a carnal need. if they play up that they are intoyou, that they want to see you again and you have not been setup by a matchmaker, i suggest you get used to getting poorly laid often.

i believe in a few simple things, that's probably why i am no longer into dating, nor interested. being honest, if you sidestep this major component i won’t trust where you take your next breath, nor will i care. if you lack tact, in regards to manners, appearance and social interactions and you burnbridges faster than people can rebuild them. if you brag/talkup your job, your ex-girlfriend using words such as perfect, the one et al--if i am Gone when you get back from the bathroom. i don’t know how many men live in someother year, decade or part of their life-see yourself the door to your own past. if you can’t feel me, you won’t feel anyone else. sloppy table manners, like scraping chutney off fish, is a real turn off, or giving serving staff attitude, when theycan spit in our food. i grewup managing several different forks, and glasses, including cocktail parties. iread, a ton of books and as a writer seek other writers in order to develop my own style. if you think that reading stephen king will turn me on, you’re wrong. it’s like a wearing a brooksbrother’s suit because you work in finance and live and die by the stockmarket-goes back to the $ issue.. i have met enough deskjockeys with no social skills to write a long novella on how men who interact with computers can’t or don’t have the skill to interact with people. a computer, if you’re using it for porn or for work keeps you from interacting with people, and porn is people on parade. i think that’s my gripe list for now, it’s also what’s propelling me to leave for europe this summer. i believe that european men have all of the above, and a few languages, a few drinking songs and a interest in art american men should envy, besides for the few cabins and summer retreats a majority of europeans own including me.

so, i have hung my lasso-i prefer crushes and infatuation instead of stalled over explanations that usually suits the guy i am dating rather than me. i had one a few weeks back and felt as if i was back in college; it was sentences and body language that contradicted the very words he was using. see previous post, about lying for this one. anyway, i am past having someone explain and make excuses when their feelings are/aren't there. i’d rather be whisked away, in heat of passion and have lusty sex than have some tawdry explanation given to me.

hence, being 31 and in my sexual prime my bs meter has been shortened, drastically, it’s not that i want to settle down, expect insta-marriage and insta-perfect man; there's no such thing. i feel like i am at the deli counter and there’s all these different roasts- lean, smooth and tasty. what i will pick? only time will tell. till then i will go back tofinding another city to relocate to, a job and stability. all the glamour of love can wait-because when things become what i want them to be, he will be there; he has always been. do i know who-nope. i only know what love has taught me, how precious & wonderful it is. for fear of becoming too cliched i will stop writing-till my next entry. happy hunting.