some : Times

going Blind?

2007-05-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

i did a bit of Urban hiking in the last few days; processed a few things only someone else who has or had PTSD can understand. this afternoon i went back to pomegranate's ex former apartment where he and i attempted to live together in 3 years ago. whenever i don't know

which side is Up i go for a walk, without my now stolen walkman-i am inhaling life i never thought i would be able to. i also have a bit to brag about: my Year without Sex was Finally Broken; i had some. for the record the kissing was Better than the action. i broke my NoFling Rule that has been re-instated.

it's fact that i want theWhole enchilada-the one with the guacamole & sour cream; not old salsa (LTR.) i encountered a beautiful sweet guy this afternoon, who asked me what i was thinking about...no comment. that goes for this entry. it's not based in fear rather i realized that taking the past year off from Sex has been

one of the best things i could have done; planning on a Hot summer. if it comes with Love not Sex that is one thing. this coming weekend will be Final soccer game, a brisk early morningGame with the kick off @ 7am. ManchesterUnited vs. Chelsea in the semis for the FA Cup. i am sure i will be clutching a heavy dose of caffeine,

my voice broken from all the screaming & we will huddle when it has ended until the dreaded empty months without soccer. a few changes are coming; a few of them will be amazing. stick around to read about what every woman Loves. bikini&volleyball season. Sorry no pictures. i have this to ad: it's Not about having Anyone--it's about having Only One. :0)

green is the new vogue

2007-05-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

instant gratification slips
into the night-
between graylight
snow covered peaks
drawing of empty
hearts;
golden sunsets
dancing off mowed
lawns
spring gently slips into
summer.
Cecilie Copy1 May 2007

i pulled this stanza from a new poem, no longer battling the inability to put words to paper, paper to mic. i had a few minutes this week to take some steps i have been advised to do for years, sever ties with my parents. a few years ago, i would be sitting in front of my monitor crying, wondering how i would manage without their constant & berating-emotionally abusive comments; telling me how little i have Always

accomplished coddled my father's drinking, physical abuse later turning into emotional abuse, his motto was "there is no marks" you can't "prove" anything & such lines as "no one will believe you." all typical statements of an abuser-who doesn't have a "drinking" problem or "anger issues;" much in the same way my mother's constant threatening of suicide ruled my life as a child & teenager.

having a conversation with a Closer friend than my parents recently-they said, if you amount to anything they would probably still treat you like shit. behavior that has shown up when i have called them about finding employment, my first descent & good roommate & apartment in the pacific northwest. that wasn't clean, good enough & my kitchen was too dirty for then visiting mother's liking. after she left my then uberkewl roommate expressed disgust that there was mother's that acted as badly as mine.

recognizing what one therapist called addiction to drama & instability, i realized that i was dating both my parents in the men i was choosing. the more bandages they required the more i thought i needed to Fix them. feeding their self-esteem coddling issues of addiction to alcohol & drugs. where a therapist would have been more apt than a girlfriend. the men i have dated attempted to "fix" & varying degrees of their problems, coddling abusive behavior that would often escalate & where i would take the fall. when someone else takes the fall for the abuser-

they are not accountable for their actions; in simple therapy, it's called disassociative behavior, projection & deflection. all the words mean the same thing-it's not Their Fault. spending 50% of my life thinking that i was accountable for my mother's often-irrational mood swings, screaming fits & threats of suicide. i thought when i was dating that i was Responsible for the same behavior till i met a great therapist who taught me that i had the Right to my own Boundaries in All my relationships.

have you seen the glossed out issue of the "greenVogue" irony was content of medium weight print ads on ink made from? till the next entry hurra, hurra, hurra for sytende Mai!

Darlin' 3d is the..

2007-05-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

attachment: One entry found for attachment.
Main Entry: at·tach·ment Pronunciation: &-'tach-m&nt
Function: noun 1 : a seizure by legal process; also : the writ or precept commanding such seizure 2 a : the state of being personally attached : FIDELITY
b : affectionate regard 3 : a device attached to a machine or implement 4 : the physical connection by which one thing is attached to another 5 : the process of physically attaching

i was debating what this entry was going to be about, society, holier than thou attitudes, judgment, politics (we're already having debates) how adorable the german polar cub knut is, Wrecking Environmental issue of VF with super, heavy gloss ads & great articles about how we are leaving carbon stamps on everything

including the laptop or pc, you're reading this on. what depressed me about all the articles i read in VF was how american's are clear cutting forests in canada for paper products & how texaco/chevron corp. is ruining ecuadors rainforests; digging for oil-- contaminating & polluting the water.the Only. Planet. we have.

definition is from werriamwebster.com& very much has to do with this entry-last weekend my laptop started coughing, a mild cold but things didn't improve, last Friday through the weekend, i was without the puter. considering i am currently pulling double duty looking for a newLivingSpace & a job. Attached. I did not realize how attached i had become until i was without the laptop for two Whole days! having to rely on public computers & using $3 for 15 minutes of scavenging the internet for email, life in general had become

wrapped in this micro-time span, requiring passwords, library cards & an assortment of creative strategies. by the end of the weekend, i thought i had would panic from missing my beloved electronic keys, tacky stickers & ability to not sit & spy on beautiful men in coffee houses. (Yum.) i realized that i had really tough time telling myself that it was okay to socialize in

coffee houses, without the keys & blue screen in front of me. i was relieved as well as apprehensive as my keyboard free hands helped a goodFriend move; something most likely wouldn't have happened if i had this in front of me. hunting for wireless would have been more important than raucous hours of human contact.

a few years ago-some shrinks came forward& claimed internet addiction & withdrawal happening with people that didn't have the ability to detach themselves from the web, computers & crackberries. (blackberries.) Now. porn addiction& email has been compared to cocaine addiction & incredible hard to detach from. what? detach from-yep. detach. not the same

as attachment. i am not attempting to preach on a pulpit, as I am as guilty as anyone else of wondering what I am missing by Not being on the net for a few hours. i have a new goal: 24 hours away from my laptop. savouring human contact, laughter without wondering what is happening out in cyberspace. want2 meet in 3d-i heard it's this new hip thing...

http://youknut.com/ the german polar bear sensation....
www.VanityFair.com official website..
http://www.slate.com/id/2165452/nav/tap1/ slate take on evilness of email

Vote Knut

2007-04-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

in my sophomore year of college a nearly 80-year-old philosophy professor was gunned down in a hall where all my classes took place; happening after most classes where over, the gunman was a security guard that worked @ my school. in the days proceeding the tragedy his wife had the same fate, ironically she came back

to collect his things & was shot. the rumors in my tiny school where raging, i went to school next to a psychiatric institution myfriends thought one of them had escaped & killed him. urban myth, of course.

opportunity comes when we least expect it; that year i put in for a transfer to a state university going to my classes in a hall where my favorite philosophy professor had been gunned down no longer felt exciting. other students i shared classes with began

putting in their transfers; one of the last conversations i had with my professor was between classes. mentioning a song by meatloaf he gave me a theory on what the song actually meant: life. death. earth. fate. in two minutes. i haven't listened to the song the same way, since.

when columbine high school happened a few programmer friends of mine began sporting long trench coats, writing about how wearing a trench coat was social abnormality (programming was in its infancy.) a long time ago on a galaxy far, far, away i took a psychology class; we talked about suicide, abnormal

psych & how daily patterns change when someone is about to hurt either themselves or others. the signs @ Virginia Tech where obvious. his writings & stoic, quiet attitude, Stalking & lack of friends. they where ALL signs the school missed or to put another way-Ignored. my small classes where the number of the victims of this mentally ill man's rampage.

a good friend of mine recently commented that it doesn't take much to make Me happy!she's right even with my dull surroundings; open-ended future on the horizon being happy really isn't difficult. maybe it's the sheer lack of DRAMA? quiet, solitude & ability to write without pressure in a place that begins with a Z. seeing a

gorgeous fling in a button down shirt still *hot* & pretending to be Absorbed in VF with Knut the polar bear on the cover. sipping tequila & sharing laughter with friends, screaming @ the television (ManchesterUnited is in the Final!) bowling 140 point game (after an 8 month hiatus.) i Choose Happiness & the smell of lilacs on a spring day. what do you choose?

belief comes First

2007-04-02T17:58:00.000-07:00

being Free of the So-Cal batosLoco, i found a healthy way of viewing drama on Bravotv a channel filled with Drama--walls from every angle, stylist, fashion designer, interior designer & workout. i accidentally fell into workout one morning i was getting dressed (who said cable tv is evil?) the show is centered around woman owned, openly gay

workout studio in LosAngeles-where the owner tells it straight & has a bod made of rock. she's bright, intelligent & with a clear mission on health; this morning workout showed a heartwarming episode of how she came to realize that her relationship of 5 years was Over- wanting to make an attempt of going to therapy-she went to 1 single session with her partner who treated her this way by shutting her down (deflection) &

walking out & berating her. i realized i was watching the pomegranate ex & fighting on TV in a therapists office!! encompassing moment was when the therapist asked her if she thought the relationship was worth Fighting for; watching it was cathartic. thank You BravoTV for workout! people are hot, workouts are hard, leaving clients winded & craving the adrenaline rushes. enough about beautiful pecs, gorgeous guys who sweat....

there are flashing advertising on the sides of the stadium where Manchester United play(old trafford) one of their mantra's flash when players score @ home on the opposing team. Belief Comes First.

flash,
flash,
flash:

i am usually standing on a chair hugging my friends & screaming Number1, Number1!! i am not bandwagonFan, becoming a supporter when i was home 15 years ago; dragged to watch on sunday afternoons. the time i began my Xtraining, happen the way most things do in my life by accident.

Belief 2 me is ability to Trust including Honesty (something our culture seems to have Forgotten is a rendeeming trait& having to be earned.)

currently residing next to a mall; there's nothing more cliché than seeing genXer's walking hand in hand window-shopping @ anchor stores..how sentimental & romantic! Not. i was once asked on a date to this wunderland of credit debt; asking the guy if he was kidding? am i in high school with a curfew? i made a decision a decade ago when we got a string outlet centers next to our town; resolved myself to Stop shopping @ the mall if could get kewl stuff for half price with half the drive & half the headache.

back to the main topic-Belief Comes First.

a few years ago i had no idea who I Was outside of relationships, or Love. i thought love came with strings & meant walking around on eggshells. being trapped in my past for a week was good; being treated poorly everyday IS Not a sign of respect/Love. years ago, i tolerated being strung along with tall tales& emptier Promises-without the happy endings.

i have learned working on my own issues that the pomegranate ex is my Comfort Zone guy. (you're sitting there wondering why i use the word comfort?) Comfort means accepting abusive, belittling & destructive behavior. i am done with the ComfortZone behavior that is not signs of Love but Abuse. i have camped out in the Comfort Zone for a decade. i had a cabin in land of denial because inside i felt that i couldn't do Better. now i realize i can..

i am also not expecting prince Sane instantly---he will show up when i am back on equal footing & figuring-out my current health issues. if i'm given permission to run again? maybe i will meet him on my favorite, muddy staircase-(outside grunchy guys are the best!) i was sprinting till last April. good news-Finally Released from physical therapy after 10+ months of 2 weekly visits!! i celebrated with ciroc martini's, deathcake & sigh of relief... Belief comes First.

http://www.manutd.com -homepage of #1...
http://www.cupcakeroyale.com/ -home of the deathCake.
http://www.bravotv.com/blog/jackiewarner- the owner of skylab in los angeles blogs about her relationship

syvGanger

2007-03-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

*revised edition*
takes 7 times--i heard nearly 3 years ago to leave an emotional/physical/psychological abuser. smirking promising this kind, sweet, genuine soul she was Wrong-well in the end i was. i lost my apartment to a ethically challenged slum lord now facing equalHousing monitoring by the city. i made the mistake of Trusting the pomegranate ex; against my intuition, berating, condemnding& feeding MeGuilt over providing a roof for a week. Incl. Using me for sex, claiming i had caused him bodily harm: faking orgasms Is? then i must Have...

the pomegranate ex isn't responsible, Lying, making false reports & claims that would never hold up in court. when i first began writing my blog-i had re-surfaced from the fog of his loneliness,isolation& hatred. others-are the Cause of Plight but it's never in Fact him who Causes anything. i humored myself by telling him that he wasn't that screwed up...screaming in public restaurants, humiliating hisLovers; pomegranate ex told me my entries upSet him; crying a river of crocodile tears. i have thought about this since last night when i wasn't crying because he made spectacle in his neighborhood; crying over Real issues with my back

& had grave pain that barely dissipating with the brandy i had with dinner. i still have more medical tests to do. since i still don't have answers? lifting my own belongings is tough & doing daily tasks exhaust me. in the past month of the pomegranateEx lies & usage of the Word Change**when one has changed....

**merriamwebster definition of Change @ the bottom of this entry**

Love isn't about guilting, berating--cheating on hisPresentgirlfriend; described as a Wonderful girl with meTwice. when you love someone you don't cheat or Lie. Your Honest- It's not Conditional, or a fine print guarantee...

Love is: Listening, patience-openness, that doesn't come with strings attached: That's MANI-pulation NOT LOVE. i want to thank my pomegranate ex showing me that he hasn't Changed. moving on without him will be easy-future is Bright even from my stale surroundings..

etched as the bull that charges & kills during the spanish run of the bulls, never facingconsequences harming others is a cinch.

http://www.edvp.org- eastside domestic violence center.
http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/ -natl. statistics on domestic violence.

courtesy of merriamwebster.com: Defintion of the Word Change: Main Entry: 1 change Pronunciation: 'chAnjFunction: verbInflected Form(s): changed; chang·ing Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French changer, from Latin cambiare to exchange, probably of Celtic origin; akin to Old Irish camm crooked transitive verb 1
a : to make different in some particular :
ALTER b : to make radically different :
CHANGE implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity or a substitution of one thing for another .
ALTER implies a difference in some particular respect without suggesting loss of identity .
VARY stresses a breaking away from sameness, duplication, or exact repetition .

sake/sushi& blueMugs

2007-03-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

on the table i am writing-there is a blue mug from my first set of plates i bought my first year out of college; irony is what the blue mug has come to symbolize. i would have Given anything for mini-sex--when sake & sushi could make up for any Mistake. i sit here calming my frazzled nerves after a week best saved for my novel.

the blue mug & the set landed on the steps of goodwill a year ago with a pair of sheets that would always bring me a 21-day lover. my track record proves i tend to give my heart to the biggest Loser in the room, alcoholics, sweet emotional abusers & men who just want the girlfriend experience without Actually Having one. until this past year when no guy reached first gear, no drunken foolery accomplished anything but another drink. a good friend of mine

sat down for one those hearty, realistic girl-to-girl talks the other night, talking about wanting It All: LTR's, co-habitation& kids. i don't think my bio clock has been sped up! i haven't been up for romantic, over-priced dinners where i am sold down the river of i am good guy-Really! i go out selectively & @ last count haven't shut down a bar in over a year. this is a boards of canada tapped out before 2am.

after libby's conviction, martha stewart's ankle bracelet & watching the oldest form of deception: greedy, mafia glossed crooked property owners who can afford to detail their fifty thousand cars but are unable to reimburse tenants for necessities such as Functioning toilets. hiring brand name law firms who use outdated 1973 tenant laws to sway progressively corrupt commissioners.

strangers have referred to me as goody girl because i don't smoke pot, have random promiscuous sex, part-take in addictive designer drugs even when they have come served on toilets in million dollar mansions. i thought of writing that everyone Makes Mistakes, over-Used cliché wrought & miss-used on daily talk shows. viewing myself havingEhics one can make Mistakes,

Clinton's IT question, cheating, discrimination AreN't signs of what i constitute as Ethically responsible behavior. ethically challenged: people that believe either wearing a robe, carrying a badge, holding onto your heart, their behavior was just a Mistake, Accidental (how many of us know someone that says that?)Vindictive Defamation (we all have Those X's) & those that use OJ Simpson method: glove doesn't fit & hire name only law firms they can hide behind: These types of people are Ethically Challenged.

i Own my Mistakes: text messages over medical issues, anger, how close i once came to alcoholism, that perFect doesn't Exist. viewing How the Spartans that did everything on their Own word (the movie 300)-that if taken wrongly could kill you. society has become gravely challenged by Ethics: paris hilton, ann coulter, donald trump, spewing epithets, harassment & a list as long as my arm. a few weeks ago a pothead was pulled over for a dui in texas, he admitted Guilt for his dui &

asked the cops if they had seen his rolling papers referring to his weed stash. they found his weed stash & he ended up in jail. i commend him for his Honesty @ the wrong time. this Fundamental Value is No longer Trendy in our society where one canBuy an Fake alibi to avoid detection of cheating by a spouse. the Next time you Forget to pay electronic meter, cheat, lie under oath, challenge Authority, forget someone's Birthday-Be Honest don't become someone who's Ethically Challenged ankle bracelets aren't Sexy.

forty Percent

2007-03-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

within the next couple of months, i will see if i fit into a statistic. i have never liked math maybe it's because most of mathematical equations can't be False & are True. 3.14 is a forever number that never changes. statistics is the part of math i resent the most because in the best cases research was correct. in the worst say political polls over 50% of people that part-take don't give true answers or change them to suit the question asked.

i was diagnosed with a 75-cent word recently& for the first time in my life; i have to make major decisions that will be Long Term. @ the moment sitting, walking, standing or doing anything causes pain, not just the run of the mill either-i would compare what i have to the Flu only worse & more constant. with uberkewl degree in liberal arts i set forth & searched for good part of 4 hours on what i am facing.

reality- smacking me in the face was difficult & sitting coffee houses, i found myself brought to tears. a good friend of mine said recently that when one door closes another opens. typical cliché that stating the obvious. a few years ago, a famous cancer researcher & doctor visited my university. one of his key aspects of his speech to us was that the stronger a cancer survivors support network the higher the survival rate, shorter recovery time &

even complications. what i am facing is not cancer-a cyst stemming from the assault a year ago; growing on my spinal cord constricting my muscles, creating unspeakable pain, making difficult to sleep comfortably. i could chose to sit @ home & watch painful contrite soaps on television; instead i decide to walk & do the things i may not be able to after surgery. due to the severity of my condition-40% is a big number because it's not exactly better than say 30% but it's also not 70% is nearly even & things can go either way.

syringomyelia

there it is on the page.

my days have been Long since my diagnosis-facing neuro-surgery was something i never thought i would be; a growing cyst on my spinal cord. today, is one of those days where everything hurts, walking, sitting, Anything. i should be Home having a Pity session but i am wifi-ing getting some sun & gearing up for a fight-because this won't be Beat me!!

i am scared of Losing my ability to walk, ending up disability, losing sensation in my arms & legs that's why this entry has been so aptly titled 40%.

here's a link:
http://asap.org
a comprehensive website with awesome resources.

do you use?

2007-02-24T20:01:00.000-08:00

radiance:
the familiar arrivals,
departures,
and even predictable
orbits in which, with excited
constancy, by how
to each other
we're held, we keep
from spinning out
by how to each other
we hold.
relations
by philip booth

i was trying to find a way to lead into this entry-i was given Good Poems for christmas & stumbled onto this part of relations by philip booth; my past-coming crashing into my life recently. a line caught my eye-spinning out not only because it has been a phrase that has been part of my life till i realized i don't have to Spin over anything/anyone.

a couple of years ago i would beg, plead just to have a warm body next to me in bed-waking up to someone, co-dependency fueled by dysfunction, post traumatic stress & fibromyalgia-both inter-related & a dash of irritable bowl syndrome. i heard a sad story on npr recently how United States contractors are coming back with post traumatic stress to No health insurance, psychologists or a safety net to help them deal with what they experienced in iraq. trauma shows up in drinking, promiscuity& addiction. i have met people who claim that their trauma is Gone-trauma is never Gone; flashbacks episodes can dissipate with the right counseling & support.

my dating life has been on ice for the past 10months!! that's Right folks 10months; whatever is floating around on the internet about me is hearsay & defamation. my very sexy nights are spent defragging my laptop, watching how i met your mother-and the class with csi & ugly betty! once during the full moon i will go out for a b&b & last call isn't that exciting anymore, nor bad Pick Up artistes.

how each other we hold

before i understood why i was spinning--standing still meant Feeling, pain-anger, loneliness. i sunk into long islands, bad kissers& worse lovers. i wouldn't had to be by myself with Feelings & flashbacks. Post Traumatic Stress can be triggered by smells, voice & touch. soldiers coming back from iraq have spoken about the fear of bridges, open highways-all places ied's have hit caravan's, where they have watched terror most of us can only imagine in scope & reality. seeing bridges-then becomes a trigger. i have described before what having a trigger feels like for someone who doesn't have trauma.

imagine the most gruesome nightmare you have ever imagined: your fear & how your body Felt that fear makes a trigger. blood pressure surges, mind races& you see whatever nightmare you experienced over& over in high definition in your mind-people with acute trauma are unable to focus, Be in the Present. Survivors of Trauma eyes will change as they enter the flashbacks caused by the trigger, their voice will change, they may become aggressive, hostile-usually out of nowhere to people that don't read signals they're experiencing.

enough of sinking into living with Trauma; on a brighter note i purchased Blundstones (Blunnies)-@ the height of comeF***meboots, re-vamped madonna like a virgin look i decided to go Vanilla with my clothes. i don't have a dire need to Prove something in my 30's?

for the 1st time in a decade that i'VE felt Grounded & happy-as a singleton. my Blunnies signal embracing the Future & leaving ThePast one-foot step, leap @ a time (that's when i get permission to run again...)

http://www.blundstone.com
http://www.webmd.com

3+3=6

2007-02-16T17:37:00.001-08:00

my first encounter with an ipod was a few summers back it was a first generation-the battery life didn't last an hour. having to re-charge it constantly-i never used when i was outside. wrapping bus covers has had apple advertising on them for the past year & half. here's my take on the mystery of the one of the Biggest ideas since Mac screens came in the size of index cards.

the cost for a good one is $400, storage to rivaling my computer, that price is too steep you can buy a shuffle for $99 slim but now it's square-where you can't see what you're listening to because it doesn't have that sleek selection menu window the more expensive models have. i am sure you're sitting there wondering why i am dissing on such a fine piece of electronics-the answer is coming, you'll have to keep reading.

back to these pretty square nano's, mini, ipods with hypersensitive menu buttons--scrolling is the only way to scroll to your favorite song. a few friends have told me that they're too sensitive-after selecting if the motion isn't Perfect sync'd, they have to start all over again-to select the same song, album. Wow! four hundred clams to have to re-scroll through a menu function (reminding me of my outdated alarm clock!)

i am authentic Old School-carrying an old repeatedly dropped walkman that came out 3+ years ago; only playing cd's-that i have to burn myself. waterproof, shock proof & comes with extra base options along with a pretty great menu living in a city of rain & only using hair band to holding it closed.i am active & klutzy & no matter how many times it gets dropped it still plays my cd's.

i like the idea of the ipod, small, smart & can hold all my cd's-i won't buy one till the ipod comes shock & waterproof!! (considering the price that should come incl.) till then i have to lug my commuter walkman-thanks Sony!

dear readers i am not writing this in Hope having Very own apple gadget; please don't send me one. i really like my $60 beater walkman that is currently playing "his&hers" a great compulation album & has logged enough frequent flier miles to be gold member on some random what's customer service airline.

between Melted & Frozen

2007-02-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

on a galaxy far, far away i discovered prime suspect-& homicide detective that was a Woman-in the infancy of my feminism. yep. i was or maybe a better statement Is. i may not walk around femi-nazi hating every, breathing, walking male (in fact most of my friends are Men.)

gloria steinem made an appearance, a few feminist classes, too many long island ice tea's, bad pick up lines still surfacing on "ugly betty" & blue eyeliner bars overFlowing in stella artois. when smoking was still permitted. i was invited to nachtspiel, plum wine in darkened sushi restaurants, raging invitation only after hours.

i learned the word player @ my friends restaurant & over a glass of water the next morning. helen mirren's intensity, brutal honesty & loneliness as a homicide detective pulled me in; traffic the bbc version showed up on pbs. my agatha christie phase of formula mysteries & no cable @ theheight of real MTv before "super sweet 16" & pre-carson daly. U2 joshua tree was everywhere& mixing tapes for my walkman was kewl. i discovered prime suspect was the Only Good thing on besides "northern exposure." the final episode of prime suspect ended the way the others have open, it's an end of an era.

my city has a world famous library, where tourists come in snapping pictures, taking tours-making international headlines. now onto: the olympic sculpture park-a monumental tax write off & huge embarrassment. it's an outdoor park with a money shot view of the sound & the needle-a pre-opening before the Seattle Art Museum opens later this year. i was thrilled to see outdoor sculpture thinking with the amount of space & the park would be people friendly.

Wrong.

this wide beautiful rusted sculpture greets anyone who enters with a Do Not Touch signs saying the sculpture's are sensitive that's Right. in the land of acid rain, these sculptures are Sensitive. tagging happens-common sense solution make a protective covering for the sculptures to avoid scratches & tagging, make them safe for small hands.

global warming is sheek, uber-kewl & so now. where has the administration been since 1989? playing with cigars & ignoring the kyoto protocol? (pretending it doesn't exist cause if they do it'd go away). convenient for an administration with connections to nigeria: see halliburton & $140million

paid off to terrorists!! now we have icebergs predictably melting, predictable storms, snow in the wrong places, predictable flooding in europe. where was the administration? condemning kyoto saying it was Hot Air obviously from a village in texas missing an idiot.

than there was that little problem between tech geeks & microsoft: those pesky acer laptops they are handing out like candy to bloggers discussing the obvious flaws in its operating system. before i forget.....

Man U is doing quite well, beckham has gone to the Bmovie in the sky-or as i like to say it's A hollywood couple doing porn.

till next time....

"real" vs "fake"

2007-01-19T16:30:00.000-08:00

the past few weeks began to remind me of reality tv show-one can do shots to tolerate. i wrote recently about not having any resolutions something i plan on keeping. it's not about what i want to change its how i want to change them. i am beginning to gripe about advertising-seeming there aren't any days that are safe from becoming material days anymore. i was thrilled that christmas ads where off the tv-when i was greeted with a ky jelly ad reminding me of V-day-with the slogan "for the love of your life" with a porn style laugh track that made me feel all warm fuzzy (sarcasm.)

now, i am sure you're sitting there going-she's just bitter, jaded-lonely, hasn't gotten any---if that's what you're thinking i suggest you don't continue reading this entry. things couldn't be further from the actual truth. i have hung up my cupids arrow, focusing more on moving up-i leave my gold shovel @ home when enjoy cocktail that doesn't consist of well-drink in a short glass. my own personal goal i am selfishly keeping to myself.

big brother was begun in europe a decade ago & has moved into global proportions & can be seen in several languages on several continents: i present celebrity big brother england: a hostile, aggressive, Female Bully (Jade) only claim to fame is the show itself& (one of bollywoods biggest stars.) carrying herself way above her housemate who spews racial epithets, name calling, mocking her accent & has anger issues she displaces among the big brother house the way confetti falls in times square during new years. ghandi-spent years freeing india of its imperial rope to britain.

india has become a global power house-hosting dell, united & wide assortment of other american& british companies. this has become a diplomatic incident that has caused tony blair to make a statement in the house of commons; and massive protest in india against british dignitaries where they have gone so far to burn effigies.

(**there's a link @ the bottom of this entry if you want read more about the British Bully**)

do you like plastic, soft, pliable, heat resistant, maybe with the face of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend that doesn't have a voice, doesn't ask you take out the garbage, clean your dishes, take a shower, make dinner for once. i came across this article in Henne, a progressive, norwegian magazine i have been reading since its inception; leafing through it when i came across an article on real dolls (titled sex with dolls) & the men who use them. i deliberately say Use because that's what the dolls are there for-the men interviewed for the article where mostly in the tech industry. howard stern tested one out live on his show; the claim to fame of real dolls was born.

(**link to english version of article is @ bottom of this entry**)

after reading how these men have the ideal object a woman that doesn't talk back "that is forever 15" & who a man can have sex with when it suits him, a doll he can order to his specific requirements. convenience of having sex without hassle. the men the had interviewed for the article consider their relationships with these dolls as Normal. i say form of normal & it's not something new. npr recently did a piece on men who literally hibernate in their parents houses in japan,

often only connecting to fantasy gaming, computers & are becoming violent often lashing out at their parents& not leaving their rooms for up to 6 months to years. then there are women who can only cum with a vibrator & have a tough time connecting to their boyfriends, having emotionless sex. very basic psychology says this type of behavior is disassociation, inability to connect to others emotionally or physically. i was angry when i was reading the article, mad that men can objectify women down to silicone & the Perfect vagina. by the time i was done reading i had pity for the men who need $4,000 doll as a girlfriend unable to emotionally connect to Real women.

why are we escaping from those things we need the most? i leave you all to ponder this till my next entry...

http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2005/10/11/real_dolls/index1.html --
link to Salon dot com article i read in Henne magazine.

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/news/newsstory.jsp?id=1310&articleMask=1 it's official the Bully has been Evicted.

http://www.realdoll.com/intro.asp here's the famous link to real doll website.

lucky 7

2007-01-03T16:41:00.000-08:00

happy 07!

i decided to be simple; it's only the Third day of 07 & i became a camper @ a hub over the holidays. flying used to be Kewl, sheek-in the 80's you wore your best clothes & clutched your paper ticket like it was gawd. movies where shown months before they got to the theatre; giving me well earned bragging rights as a teenager, those hey days are over. in the decade of nine eleven, air rage & people lighting matches in the cabin, irate crews, mean gate personnel & land fill snack boxes with every additive ever invented. the flying bus has been born& deliberately over-booking flights leaving families stranded.

i miss the hey days when customer service meant something, not just functioning as a PR machine where you can call angry & get thanked. Ironic. i learned is that i have to mind the gap-between the train & platform (stupid is this sexy?) who doesn't know about the gap? don't answer that! i made a mistake this past holiday season attempting to cross through times square (i nearly lost my cell phone in a zipped pocket-while every tourist where losing their wallets-looking up)

my favorite on this past trip this is my version of whatNOT2wear:

-heels over 3 inches you couldn't walk in @ the store or when you're walking to the gate.
-lettered shirts: on this trip i saw a woman wearing NYC logo's on all her clothes-they didn't match, reminds me of a jeff foxworthy joke.
-wearing jeans you still don't fit in-soo tight your bulges stick out, sweats that looked like you picked them off the floor.
-comefcukme boots, wool boots? going to aspen? you're paris hilton wannabe from last march!
-wearing white jeans: arriving with scuff marks, unknown stains, blotches
-cleavage shirts do you work @ hooters? aspire to travel like infamous celeb?
-flip flops are great on the beach.

this list can go on &amp; on; i miss the heydays when customer service wasn't just lip service, but Actual service. i flown a few times in my life to know that on busy days good transportation accommodates the crowds. MTA in NYC adds extra trains, when the wannabe sports teams play in my city the local bus system adds extra buses. on one of the busiest travel days of the year the carrier i was attempting to fly back to my city had over booked enough flights that they could have filled an Extra Plane. deliberately over booking became a way for most airlines to survive after nine eleven, chapter11 & forcing retirement on pilots& crews. now, it's just another way for them to Not accommodating their supposed customers& bribing other passengers with free trips in order to have space. i watched families taking their kids from one gate to another for up to 6 hours they where under 10 years old.

i did enjoy being back in the tri-state area, people watching, spending hours in & out of changing rooms, eating bagels with lox on pumpernickel with horrific cups of coffee. on my trip i was forced @ one point to drink dunkin donuts an experience i'd rather forget. i realized on my trip why i live on the Right coast of the country, lack of stress in my city, the fact that coffee tastes like coffee here?!

new years eve was great!-i had an excellent glass of champagne and i don't even like the stuff. i have decided to Not have any resolutions this year. No higher expectations about my endeavors i have spent most of the last 9 months Single-Intentionally.(see previous entry for explanation) i was chasing subways in NYC this past week. 6 minute waits didn't seem long, my only resolution is a personal one, stepping into the future armed with boundaries i have finally become comfortable with like my favorite fleece pants.

whatever Lucky07 brings i'll be ready i will observe my friday & saturdays Lucky enough to have been part of holy Sabbath with a close friends. when good things happen i will say Thank You-when chalk line has been crossed & smudged i will walk away without Guilt or Fear. ce la vie.

it's quite comfortable//really

2006-12-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

i have been fighting writer's block recently; something i was told in college was fictitious & didn't exist. thinking about this past year & intuition, i didn't listen/ignored. since beginning to write this journal many things have changed. among them my own choices about relationships, sex & trust. i have spent most of the past 6 months in & out physical therapy. i have had to face the Why in my choices. i know the answers to many of the Why's & how's. my trust was literally& physically destroyed this past spring; i failed to listen to my intuition when obvious was Right in front of me.

i parked my ideas of dating-focused on the repetition of 9-5 & what i Actually want; no instant gratification included. my small intimate living room was filled with warm glasses of glogg & meatballs recently as i was having my annual saint lucia get together. i now can use the words cheeky &randy without getting odd looks & people don't understand why people bond over soccer. i say What Ever. chelsea tied arsenal last weekend & we're 9 pts ahead in epl table. i've developed an affliction for a handsome, quiet rival team fan. yep. i am hearing slogans of guilt like branding irons. my other crush prefers baked on tans & small shovels (but that's another entry.)

things have been so interesting in my life lately, i decided to change locations, places & things-upon this dark and dreary afternoon-deciding to have fabulous mocha and prayed that a warm room would be empty. i was filled with The Most dimwitted conversation i have heard for a long time& and arrogance that made my stomach turn. i am Writer not a "writer" this arrogant group of people where the parenthesis kind; most of their "meeting" entailed up man ship & tmi. i had a tough time NOT interjecting in their contest about of up-man-ship.

the male "writer" in the group someone who reeked of the upper west side-had his east coast smugness intact & thinks that a certain bridged "island" is magnificent even after making the other parties uncomfortable he continued. i can however relate to this as i was attempted to join a similar "writing group" where writing copy was sexier than actual writing. i had the privilege of seeing this season's credit card debt up close & personal recently as i was @ an Actual Mall for a brief 30 minutes-meeting a friend. the excitement of all that credit card debt & gold diggers wearing CFM shoes they could barely walk in(you fill in the blanks.)

being trapped in malls & constant bombardment of storms life has been on the dull side lately. that is how i like it. i am not hunting for a new years screw-the one i had last year made such an impression on me that i had to spend most of the last year in physical therapy (i am not looking for a RE-run.) ringing 07 will be done solo-if i am in the company of a man he will get 17th century peck on the cheek & brush off.

i have been practicing the brush off lately-getting pretty good @ it-saved from a disaster night of 8th grade sex& random misanthropes. i like my bed solo; feeling as if i am practically wearing a chastity belt-& it's quite comfortable. Really.

i'd like to thank:
-Swedish/anonymous donations that aided in wiping away the $11,000 Hole!! :0*
-my friends who have been there regardless of 8th grade drama in my life.
-the few guys i know who have grace & honesty ya'll rock.
- favorite bartenders in my favorite bar who just knows how to ease the pain of physical therapy.
-whoever mysteriously placed money in my company account this last year unexpectedly.
-favorite business owners & barista's that make Seattle kewl!
-for those I love. have a *awesome* holiday!
for anyone i may have missed-may your new year & holiday season rock!

threePoints + 1 extra

2006-11-28T16:02:00.000-08:00

i am always looking for things to write about-this week of black Friday was particularly full of writing fodder. a few weeks ago, i ran across an article on Slate for msn that should have been out years ago titled the seinfeld complex-a quick breakdown is not accepting someone because of traits making someone less than perfect. NO one is Perfect. no matter how much botox, tucking, and dieting women& men have Flaws. the seinfeld complex also mentioned UN-realistic expectations or pornQueen syndrome: i should have a perfect tan, $100+ streaks in my hair & Star (formerly of theView) Perky breasts. this is a societal issue we can thank the internet for & those friendly neighborhood porn sites; this entry goes deeper than a fake tan.

since, sacha baron cohen came out on the British television a few years ago as ALi G i have been a fan!! sacha makes jackass look mild & elementary. i saw Borat-he most recent stab @ the ego that is america what it has become. several gullible fools where roped into admitting racial epithets, a man in particular in a gun shop who told him what kind of gun would be best to off a Blank(see movie.)sacha's moviePoked British holes in Americana:

Etiquette(per-party don't bring a friend to a dinner unless You have specified they are coming to the host!) Rodeo's&homophobia- Drunk frat boys, gun shops& celebrityObsessed. Borat was saved by Gawd & ran through a hotel starkNaked. looking around the theatre during a wrestling match & deliberately putting himself in sex positions(team america inspired) because he expects american's to look away. The Original Genius of Ali G is Back as Borat.

sitting in snowFall, full contact black Friday shopping who knew breaking a plasma TV could so much fun!! wait i almost forgot an annoying new game consul game out-& the company deliberate sent too few for the american market. i just love companies that do that! the super sweet ads that seem to be under the impression that there are still 2.5 kid straight family households; NO single dad's, mom's or same sex couples? the stereotype of bad TV ad remind me of when i studied "leave it to beaver" one of the best misanthropes ever. why do you ask? i will phrase it this way; lot's of men discover that they like each while serving in the forces; after the world war II ends they come home and file for divorce. women are driven from factories & are barred from working. hence, all that 1950's perfect family stuff is essentially Crap. that's Right-the US had one of its Highest divorce rates Ever after WWII!!

the past year has taught me many things; since my assault in april & recently i have been forced to slow down to look @ the world in a way i haven't had a chance to before. i savour the small walks i am able to take-small steps in physical therapy & the set backs. all those interesting yet completely UN-true stories/defamation that has been orbiting like an 8th grade bathroom stall. how i realized i have been dating within my comfort zone for a decade ending when i began taking my hiatus from dating6 months ago. if love comes it will. until then i will focus on finding the silver lining & getting a couch before the new year.

pomegranateZen

2006-11-09T16:40:00.001-08:00

recently an overPaid MIT Professor claimed the internet is being Ruined by bloggers to that i say:
-porn
-child molesters-thanks myspace!
-gambling websites
-factual representation:a blogger broke the news of Rumsfeld (where was
the so-called Real Media?)

i only write about those things that i have knowledge of & not of the things i don't.

i have been enjoying the zen of peeling pomegranates-i missed the lychee nuts this year(damn.) then again all those ads on virgin broadband are right-the planet's warming Fast. 2 bowls are sitting on my counter gathering a leak that sprung as we are having a pineapple express rolling through causing massive flooding&land erosion. what genius let them build on floodPlains & obvious unstable land? i don't get?? (back to the zen feeling of peeling pomegranates& rain..) it's Back in-full Effect.

as in all my entries i was baffled for a very brief moment what i was going to write; my choices have expanded since becoming an ex-pat of a team that has left me speechless. i am not here to discuss running of rouge companies; life is too short toWaste worldwideweb on such people. rather i am going to write about what has bothered me for Years. TheMarketing of Christmas...

check your local store-or if you have a TV check out what's being sold 7 weeks in advance-an old acquaintance of mine said "we don't make any money on Thanksgiving." i noticed a few weeks back when i came into my favorite coffee house & they already had eggnog latte's Before Thanksgiving. watching marketing companies coughing snow themes in early november-one of the reasons why the holidays & their meaning are dying every year. maybe, it's the fact that we are becoming uber-Materialistic.

gotta have it-Now--majority of the population has between $10,000 & $40,000 in unpaid debt. (back to zen feeling of peeling pomegranates& rainless day!)

i am happy as soon to be voting democrat to say that we Finally have the house and senate back; only taking a senseless war, incompetent runsafield to run into the ground. both parties have this keen ability to Over-Spend in this unflattering way-our gdp is going down& first time we're in debt with china. Yep. special. since runafield, finally SteppedDown we're all hoping that we will leave Iraq-to that i say on a cold in Alaska as it's always Cold there & it will not happen for @ least 2 years or more.

i do love Thanksgiving-maybe it's because Turkey is easier than unrealistic expectations @ Christmas. every-year i am ThankFul for the small things.

as for dating-the jury is still out-i met another pua last night & can safetly say that lines does not make you a stud in bed(a near fling-not quite though.)

Thank You List:
-fans @ Scandinavian Club i volunteer @ who have guilted me to come back-we served 2,057 people last weekend exhausting but Fun!
-Close friends who have held my hand-helped on a moments notice & have looked beyond my 11k ex issues & seen me-this goes out to the True!
-friends who work around the city who randomly give me latte's& corner sit & watch the world go by: zoka, verite, motore,ladro, cugini!
-To my friend who helped me move, who have had the patience to listen when i have called.
-a friend across the pass who is the best almost real dad i have ever had-my own kin to take some lessons.
-friends in NJ who gave me a calm place to stay when i was there in the spring& allowed me to show them some great Thai food this summer.
-former co-worker who urged me to get out& was honest when i least expected it.
-all those men i have attempted to date the last year-those that got away remember to follow-Through.
-mr. albany an old friend of mine who has been in my life for the past 10years-I am Lucky2 have you.
-for those i Love-& always will say Hi!

hollo'd anniversaries

2006-10-29T14:51:00.000-08:00

over a decade ago in a locked dorm room i was raped for hours by someone i trusted-it's how i lost my Virginity-he left my body bruised &sitting was painful for weeks. the entire act was pre-meditated down to his roommates being gone & making sure that i showered away the only evidence he thought i had on me-on an intimate part of my body i have scar a reminder of what happened.

in college i studied feminist theory-classes dealing with the whole idea of being female in modern society-i would take off the modern see previous entry. as the destroying of a woman's reputation still goes after her sexuality going back2 the bible. women's sexuality matters more than her job, earnings & social standing(see current beattle divorce.) surfing through local Craigslist rant/rave section shows a disturbing misrepresentation of how men not only Objectify women but also how fewRespect women. flashFriday a new way for men addicted toOnline porn to share their pictures often of what looks like under age girls& over-airbrushed porn models. i often wonder how many of them whereForced into what these men post.(that's entirely different topic..)

sexuality however goes deeper than white wedding dresses--it's Not something a flashy designer thought of. in the early part of the 1500 women where Expected to be Virgins on the wedding night as a sign ofPurity; the dress is a long lasting symbol of women's sexuality& virginity.

it's alluded to in glossy magazines where sexual positions are dished out like a new wardrobe having NO info regarding sexual transmitted infections, having sex using protection & lastly that getting tested regularly(next to the article.) i have been subscribing to webmd since my diagnosis of fibromyalgia four years ago-this week in my inbox a disturbing article showed up-that needs to be read: http://www.webmd.com/content/article/128/117129.htm

i am tip toeing my way back into dating-am proud say that i have yet 2 be careless, passionate or naked besides anyone but myself. i do have2 thank my first serious bf who showed up over a decade ago-& had the most incredible hugs, patience holding my hand during flashbacks from the rape-telling me i was safe when they would errupt. loved& devoured me afterwards. i am grateful for patience& his persistance in telling me that i was beautiful when i couldn't look past the flashBacks. ThankYou!

the Believer is Happy-the Doubter is Wise. greek proverb

genericStamps

2006-10-05T21:07:00.000-07:00

generic stamps:
individuals who chose to lose their identity for celebrity, glossy magazines, catalogues & other media driven aspect of society.

Example: women& men who attempt to mimic a cause celeb, ParisHilton, DavidBeckham forfeiting their own personal identity for that of social norm & media driven images using plastic surgery &clothes to become the person they're obsessed with.

this has been on my mind for a few weeks & everytime i have wanted to write about this something else has come up.
regarding dating: i'll just stick to watching CSI & hangingout with friends when the moment strikes & catching drink @ happy hour.

speaking of being Happy-Solskjaar scored 2 goals this past weekend against NewcastleFC ranking in Barclay Premiereship isnowNumberOne!

one of my favorite things to do in the morning is watching the sun&mountains & walk. fall has this wet, crispy feel-& the rain isFinally back. i have tough time connecting dots together in the morning& have always been well-not my favorite time of day. recalling a narrow minded acquaintance of my mine who worked in banking & went to Mass everySunday thinking he'd be forgiven his sins(my home state has always been a bit shall i say twisted.)

one morning after i had gotten very fit-full sleep i staggered out of my sleeping bag from a really pretty cement floor &walked over my daily dose of cheerio's(that i can no longer eat.) this uber successful, lonely banker turned to me with his best fake smile & said "You're a Morning Person!" pasted on his face-i shuddered & walked away-trying not fall over laughing as it was the biggest line bullSheit i had heard that entire trip(i also remember it being aVery long timeBefore 9AM.)

i started plotting out what i was going to write over the past few days remembering Bones on Fox where Dr.Bones discusses how plastic surgery can destroy personal features in our facial structure that actually sets us apart. every where in today's society there are airbrushed anorexic women posing for weightloss pills that areOnly sold on worldwideweb.

this magazine that has progressive articles-even including one of the worst 250 word pieces i have ever read by who else than AnnCoulter sounding like a rambling lunatic;one of the most disturbing aspects was that she had not written the 250word blurb. her comprehension of the world being flat economically isn't something she understands; resorting to run on sentences-with these rushLimbaugh quotes sprinkled in an ADD fashion never actually stating a point. AnnCoulter has the 1986 TimesSquareHooker platinum blond made famous by popsocialiteIcon who's dog has became a Fashion accessory rather than a pet& her fugly purses are snatched up by women who can barely afford them.

here's how women's magazines are setUp;

reading glossy covers are setUp this way:
Best(hair, makeup, celebrity, sex position.)
followed by:
learn how to (be patient, slow down, wear correct clothes to an interview, jeans, what to wear to work.)
underneath:
in much smaller print usually on the right side of the cover are the more Real headlines,
pelvic issues, cancer, rape, stalking, domestic violence.

packed within the first 15 pages of american glossies are advertisers with airbrushed, anorexic drones; usually the left side of the page is more expensive than the right as we read right to left. since, fiber & eating healthy has become a WALLmart sensation. healthy dieting is the new catch phrase however it's still a diet! judging current glossy most models pulling a KateMoss(using speed2control their weight.)

i have small request of all of you who read this buy something that distinguishes you from the man& woman across from you in your cube-Farm. distinguish yourself before you melt into the platinum hair dye, wide rimmed sunglasses & fugly purses & that irish funeral outfit you bought with that Royal Blue shirt. BE You. period. don't define yourself by what a glossy, worldWideweb, media fed idea of you is. Simply. you. i'll even help you find thePerfect crocs!

never.never.never.Give. Up!

2006-09-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

as a subscriber of vanityFair i recently received the suriCruise edition in the mail & decided after ripping out half million in glossy ads to attempt toRead the verbose editorial= senseless banter; contrite would beOne word4 it.. i prefer talking on point.

someone recently urged me to write-considering i have felt that i have been climbing everest without oxygen it's a relief toNO longer feel stifled; not even by the meekest & weakest among us. i have been urged after 6 month break from dating 2 startAgain. my view of love & what that means has been greatly changed in the past TwoYears. i discovered this the other night when i realized that i was peeling a pomagranate in new, cleaner, better place than anything that has had my name on it before.

a good friend & i recently went to Ikea-a place i remember as if my childhood was yesterday-the ballroom& swedish meatballsTHATstill don't compare to my mothers. i had a few what i call IkeaMoments. i made some decisions to change my color scheme in my new environment; emmulating how i now see myself: strong. independent&LOVed. i have decided to decorate my apartment with my own pictures as i recently went digital.

what is with dressing4 an IrishFuneral this season? i will not be wearing gray or carry fugly overpriced purse; preferring bright colors with my crocs. looking like an 80's prostitute or madonna is not my idea of a goodTime. i was savouring a martini i had purchased with my own $$ when a veryDrunk fool told me he had heard that i am trolling4 men where i reside.

oh-okay-hold on--if i was a troller: i'd be drinking something cheap, usually with the word Light on the bottle.
i'd have to lie & say that i wasBroke.
& get on my pity pedestal& work it.
i had NOT only paid for my own drinks; deciding that whiskeyDick wasn't sexy. really guys-putDown the booze. i will not repeat myself-whiskeyDick is what you do when you're 22--it's not a sport you pickUp in your 30's& 40's.

my favorite season is fall: the hiking is better-i sleep better @ night-the sewage dumping cruises are Gone till spring.

(dateUpdate:)i am looking for someone who likes walking in theRain, enjoys hot coffee on cold days-convincing me that getting up @ 6AM on a saturday morning to go skiing is worth it; understanding that i will whine till i get my lift ticket & is skating down to the first chairLift. i love winter-snow, cold winds & making excusing for buying coffee just to warm up my hands. staying in just to cuddle.

enough of what i want:
back realLife-i was disgusted to learn after the last entry; that my 11k ex has gotten himself NewWheels; as i have said before ladies & gentleman it's JustTHEtip of the ICEberg. i can add fraud under his name-Juicy details will be forthcoming.

a special thanks is in order-Really you Rocked my world.(if you don't know-guess, it'sNOT you.)
4 all those who have stood by me & helped with my recent move. ya'r AWEsome..from the bottom of my retro-80's heart!

i need help....

2006-09-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

really-i do: a nice check for $11,000 would do me alright! i really Hate medical debt, shafty, corrupt people that manipulate the court system for THEIR own gain-as many of you know this is something was accused of-yep Me. the 11k-EX claimed that i a woman of 5'4" is Ruining his life: that's right (where's my tissueBox?)

That'S All i have time to do-besides of course Work.
i was soo busy manipulating the court system that is corrupt here in seattle today i stayed @ work THE whole Day.

i had to process orders& make phone calls & get compliments for work well done...

i will now go by the name AnikenSkywalker from theAttack of Clones where AnikenSkywalker can't decide if he's Evil or Good? i am bit confused @ the moment-i think i may be having a BlondMoment...hard to focus. hmmmmmm.
Good vs Evil?

a good friend of mine said recently: you a Threat with your calm demeanor & smile. yep, smiling is apparantlyEvil?! maybe i should become ANNcoulter now that's blondMoment Confusion & she fits the Madonna/Whore theories i studied in college to a Tee.

i want to dress like an 80's tramp & call myself an attorney, politician or maybe a pundit i will be flashing a BIG diamond ring. theory is theBigger the ring theMore UNFaithful the beau is. yep. watched first hand in my home state-big houses & lots of Fluffers-very losAngeles @ lunchTime. women like that NeedHelp--Bling is just another way to COVERup MIstaKes.
enough with the desperate housewives episode....we return to the attack of the clones already progress...

back to AnikenSkywalker-my new name it's soo cool; i will have to lose my left arm-that's alreadyINJURED &have to carry around light saber i Keep Losing cause i don't Know if iAm Good or Evil & will have to forego my integrity as a JediKnight & have Sex. ooooops. considering i am Still NOT having any.
yeah.
really smiling is evil.

as i haven't had a cat in 10years i was thinking of starting to collect them plus cat pee is Vile & can be Used for EVIL. i think i figured it out: i will carry a LIGHT saber with a herring oil& catPee dispenser in it.

my cats & i will become the NewRepublic.

the rain will start soon-empty trails, the meek will start staying in & maybe i'll FIND a guy WHO'll be Worth It: i am interviewing for this position:

the following is Required:

ONLY social drinking will be acceptable(no 48packs of beer, stashes of scotch, whiskey.et al.Period.)
Healthy Anger-being able to communicate respectfully through issues.
Respecting BOUNDaries-very basic NOSwerving over the YellowLine. you will be Fined/Removed.
Similar Life Goals& ideas...

news@eleven

2006-09-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

i have since contaced the ACLU & am in the process of getting legal represenation in the below entry. a littleBird told me that the OFFICE of Police Accountability isTHE most corrupt of all other departments in the SeattlePoliceDepartment; statistically what took place is common.

when i was young-pre-teen i was taught how to JayWalk, read traffic signals & how to cross the street without becoming mincemeat. i always thought that police brutality was something that was dealt with & solved after a Huge Investigation into ever-Famous Seattle Police Department & their military tactics that took place when the World Trade Organization sparked massive riots here & the billy clubs & tear gas heard around the world.

i moved that year to Seattle-in 2000 there was a repeat/rewind Riot in Honor of all those nasty, pesky people that where practicing Their First Amendment Rights. a few of my friends & lovers where lucky enough to get tear gassed when they left work, i knew a CivilRights attorney who represented that small faction of folks that where just trying to catch ferries, go home- ended up being billyclubbed, tear gassed & brutally attacked for crossing the street.

many of you know that the seattle is Full of people like most Major cities with emotional and psychiatric issues & the SPD is cool; they established a code for people that suffer from mental illness it's called a 220. i have been labeled a 220-enabling the professionals in the SeattlePoliceDepartment to show up 45minutes after i report harassment/stalking & even assault. enabling Deliberate MISS-filings of police reports referring back to April the officer by the nickname of bungecord remarked that i would have a "shiner," failed to give a # for the police report until asked & insinuated that the coffeeHouse i went to IS a BAR in his report-

for the record he ALSO failed to make arrest, as did the oh-so competent domestic violence detective who DROPPED the case (See previous posts.) i was lucky enough to pull 8 hr days @ work yesterday. i am Lucky (pureSarcasm in its RawestForm) because i work a mile away from the local baseball team with Uber Expensive stadium that does not know how to play. yesterday was a game day i waited until it was closer to

game time so i'd have easier time catching a bus home. it took me 3Hours to get home; thanks to a OverlyAggressive motorcycle cop held my handsBehindMYback upward in a 35 degree angle, threatened with arrest, humiliated me in front fans going to the game over ladies & gentleman JayWalking when there was NO traffic. it wasn't till i began screaming out my name, the office of police accountability (internal affairs with a NEWFancyName,) my phoneNumber.

i was told to calm down-the kind officer held to my injured arm after i told i had just completed physical therapy on August 11(@ last count i believe i told him 6Times.) i was lectured on crossing the street spoken to as though i was a child; by an officer who Claimed he was from the EastCoast i still wonder what police department he was Fired from? i am betting northernBoston that kind of lack of conduct was Huge inBoston in 80's. that's my final answer.

JayWalking is not something i ever Thought about-as it has saved me from muggings & 20seconds that i believe has saved me on the streets of NYC. i count between cars-you can usually cross when you have 45 seconds. i say crossing meaningWalking-not running in front of a vehicle like 90% of savants i see here in seattle. JayWalking is something i have done ALL my life & no corrupted, unlawful officer who threatened me with arrest over crossing the street with BadgeSyndrome (he's ABOVE the Law; because he wears a badge!) will CHANGE that.

i'd Greatly appreciate him paying for my physicalTherapy bill i already made an appointment-so excited. as for their insinuation about my mental state..i am quite content irregardless of the lack of professionalism that has made the SeattlePoliceDepartment IN-famous back in 1999 when BillyClubs where heard around the world.

DoNotBreed

2006-08-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

here i am-dealing with tomHanks in big-it's rather pathetic when you encounter men in 40's who are not accountable for their actions & go to Extreme's to avoid being responsible. as many of you know i was assaulted a few months back-he walked today--BUT only today-this byNO means ladies & gentleman is not a done fight.

he's soo afraid of me he's movingAcross town& twenty blocks Nearer to me? he acted like a small child and nearly cried after his so-called victory. what is a victory when you cause someone bodily harm? as many of you know i was recentlyFreed from physical therapy.

he has also Moved onto someone else;

Scary.

inWoods with bears scary & your hands smelling of fat in a tent with bears roaming through camp. mr.$9beer has stooped 2 a new level. i still wonder what part of dante's inferno he rents a cabin in? i am Too angry-having$10,284.81 in medical bills, dealing with an Impish40 year old thatMakes $50 per-hour as a StateHydrologist; today he was a civil engineer? wait i am bit confused? cause he testified as having a different degree in court?

mr.$9Beer who spent over 20hours per-Week clutching beer bottles, binge drinking like he was still 20years old, drinking while racing sailboats & even had theTime toPlay volleyball his last quarter of graduate school. today, in front of a judge i was THEOne responsible---wait while i get 36double d's blond hair & start by inserting Like every4th word. i have to like say, like Not.

i wish i could insert shock&awe but his behavior should be a hurricane flag for any woman who thinks he is Responsible. i once looked @ him that way-4: 5 minutes; till he threatened to throw me out of the car. as Most abusers Go-

it's the woman in front of you that you're rescuing Himfrom: she is the Evil doer. he doesn't/hasn't done AnythingWrong. i recently read signs of dangerousMen-mr.$9beer was a carbonStamp of my Father&fit another book of abusiveBehavior. a good friend of mine referred to him as theBastard last night; as the media says it's ONLY the tip of the iceBerg. i am just glad i am not the one giving him Victorysex tonight-on his schedule. cause Honey

you're Always on their Schedules; being his maid, binky-& "friend." while he stringsYou up&down giving you excuses for Not having Time. honey, He only has Time for HIMself.

UglyTruth.

usually the TRUTH is.

thanks 2 all of you-who think that some men should come with Do Not Breed Stickers. can i be the 1st one to hand them out?

FivetoOne

2006-08-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

5-1 isn't a bad way to start a Sunday morning-of course washing down my exhaustion of sleep with coffee & brisk walk helped. did i mention the uberCool Norwegian rap artist i am currently infatuated with Ravi. 5-1 is the win that ManchesterUnited had this morning against FulhamFC-whom in my humble opinion is similar to the local baseball team in seattle. the resemblance of poor communication reeks & one of it's oldest players on the baseball team is in contract talks with another team. running into old loves-& doing some serious urban hiking back & forth to work. well, that's not exactly true

i am preparing in the launch of something truly Square. & it's something that will not be revealed yet-more beta versions have toBe mailed to geeks all across the land. iAm relieved of physical therapy &bowled a game with a turkey recently; having clean game is also pretty cool. i have again placed my toes in the pond called dating; the water feels a bit cold @ the moment & i am not sure i want to Actually swim. it's illusive-yet not wrought with excitement as it was when i was in college.

a good friend of mine works next 2 our local farmers market & the flux of single& desperate men that have been coming not only into her store but orbit the place as if it's an outdoor bar has been almost 2much to bare; that excludes the fashionistas that orbit in their tramp heels & arrogance behaving as if they are TheOnly thing to look @. maybe it's the McCondo's that are growing like weeds? there's one that is an eyesore-actually2. either the builder or the financier balked-they're walls are exposed-windows installed but no one is working on them in the middle of the part of the city where i live. besides the fact that the interior is prime food for carpenter ants & weakening the walls actually weakening the entire structure

it's symbolic of how the air is finally leaving the housing boom. Finally. yes, i am happy about this-as much as i am excited about One of the courts standing up against the Justice department when it comes to internal wire tapping. something that didn't save us recently from the MI-5 investigation in Britain & random removal of toiletries. it's ironic how airports get all the homeland security but the amtrak trains behind my office stand un-supervised and the rails exposed in one of the most populated parts when there's games. this baffles me-maybe it's the fact that clinging onto nineEleven-we had a recent

bomb threat that looks more like giving the local special agent guys work to do; that transpired last week. the media helicopters that hovered over my office for 4 hours really didn't make my day any brighter although i had a Fantastic headache from them. would you believe it-they didn't find Anything(insert shock&awe gaping here!) let me just say for the record that this came as NoSurprise @ all. nada. the secret agent man just needed his friends to get paid so of course the dog acted weird. i am sure it was a smell coming from an entirely different part of the city; the smelt plant that sits next to terminal 18.whopdeedo.

convenient to blame it on the dog. i feel for the dog not the idiot savant holding the leash-who's friends hadn't had anything exciting to doRecently. did i mention -that i am in the process of developing a letter to their HR & customer relation department of theDeathStar-CharFucks. besides that their employees act deplorably outside of HQ. the word Tact is not something they are taught; as i now work as a manager i would fire a majority of them if they worked for me-they're behavior is reflecting this conglomerates image-making it look rather UN-professional.

i am turning into a pumpkin i have to sign off-will let you know if i actually find the water warmer when it comes to dating-the Verdict is still out on that One.

RaucousSex

2006-08-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

seafoodFest is over the blue angels where driving me crazy @work the other day-considering they're not actually flying overLake washington; same as another issue i am dealing with-for you out of the loop meet me over coffee we'll talk. let me end my opening paragraph by saying that i am nearly done with physical therapy-only have a few weeks of volunteered gym time that i am doing & can lift actual objects again. may on some fun morning go for my cross training run BeforeWork.

i have decided to go back2 dating-since i have finally put theScreamer & $9beerman to rest-realizing that i have been dating double-gangers of my father. speaking of double-gangers, i am also apparently having raucousSex life-quite amazing from what the rumors i have heard. better than i could have hoped. someone whispered something truly hysterical in a coffee house i frequent. she is barely clad when she goes drinking; i won't dive into her insecurities. when i was in my 20's & resorted to the same desperate attempts to keep bf's in my life-who where obviously ready to move on.

that's something else i realized recently that i have been dating emotionally unavailable men, alcoholics, these 2 are usually mixed with either manipulative, controlling& physicallyAbusive. they're permitted to have Their lives---i should sacrifice my NightsOut, parties & or any other activities & worship in the spirit of fullOn narcissisms-Theirs. i am going to date out of my ComfortZone. namely dating men without garbage bag full of issues thatneed repairing: purchasing $9 beer on credit, coming onto my friends, professionalLiars. claiming they have Friends when in fact they're already FuckingSomeone else& don't have the capacity to BeHonest-even when it's over.

i have run into a few people that i have missed & have lost touch with recently. a good friend of mine recently said: so; you're going to date NormalMen; whatEver is closest to that? it'll be a challenge as it's out of my comfortZone. i was told the other day by a very gentle older woman that it's time for me stop flinging. something i feel done with anyway-flinging is so College. she told me it's time for me to start looking for TheOne. TheOne won't be any of the mentioned above. he will be comfortable within his job & in his own skin; he will act openly & honestly. if you don't Mean what You Say-or Say What YouMean-you don't pass go & receive $100 for good behavior.

a longtime friend of mine recently said that i should change what i have written on top of my blog to say Actualized. I Am Actualized it's something you only Get to See When you StepUp with me in my life as my close friends can attest 2. if Melrose Place interests you by all means don't let me you keepYou from creating a tirade of drama. Simply Stay Out of mine-call when you need throw someone in the pool i'll putIT on this page as a reference for what i noLonger am.

yellowCards

2006-07-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

i have been quite busy the last couple of weeks-i apologize to all of you missed my regular entries; they will become sporadic @ best in the next couple of months. i won't be divulging why. saying that things look good-& up... how good can they get when it was one of the best FiFaCup's ever. i am impressed with the bars that embraced this non-traditional of american sports; bars had banners coffee houses had televisions for once the wealthiest & the world's best players got american airTime. npr even did a story on the biggest sneaker commercial competition-puma vs. adidas. some things did not impressive me however; zihdane's headButt, rooneys use of his shoes.

during regulation season-yellow cards-serve as a warning for bad behavior-this in soccer can be many things. a red card that was dished out to 2 well deserving soccer players this year where earned with honors. the last few weeks have been filled a kind of stupid that should be bottled & sold on ebay. there has been so much that has happened-globally & in the corners of my life that i fear that i won't be writing a tell all this time. if you don't know what's up-guess you'll have to find me to find out.

alas-all the teams that i couldn't stand in the italian premiere haveBeen relegated to the second division homage to TheStreets; well deserved i may add as i have never liked them anyway. kappaSucks-what night weren't there any fistFights or brawls in bars? after any major upset- team supporters would get Stupid-in groups. again-nothing new. having the italian premiere sliced in half as they hadFixed games of who would win before hand.

if this entry appears a bit of a tangent a few things as i mentioned above has effected my ability to write on what was a regular basis; but the outcome & the loss of my periodic entries have been replaced with much better things. here's small health update-i am still not allowed to run, or bowl. my average weight in physical therapy is less than 5lbs. i feel like a fawkin wimp, @ least i now feel like i no longer have to feel attached to painKillers or men who treat my cell phone as if it's a fawkin leash. i have decided to shelve my novel of dating till the current wave of bridgetJones wannabe's are out of the spotlight. making me grateful as i didn't want to spend all the room i have in my blog to write about how DumbMen are, ah like What.Ever.

i have come prefer flirting to dating-last week i had the joyous experience of meeting a few BigHeaded Aussies when i was out celebrating my friend's birthday. i find them funny-not only because they are of Brit descent-just don't remind them. Kiwi& Aussie men think that if they open up their mouths you will become like jamie lee curtis in a FishCalledWanda and lose yer trousers. i have to again say-like not. i did mention to them that they would be mentioned in my entry.

i have one more thing to whine about in this entry. ugly bag syndrome, apparently the fashion industry fell on it's buttocks last year when they introduced these half army/half diva bags for a meek fortune. they are Everywhere-like FlipFlops that make most people walk like have backInjury..Not only do they look hideous on with a woman that can't walk in the uberHigh heels that are so sleek this season. if i see one more woman almost face planting because she can't walk in her manolo's-i will pay myself a quarter the idiotFactor has risen this season. now, i don't claim to be a Diva-i wear Crocs with everything i have& own 3 pairs.

i am looking forward to brushing off my ManchesterUnited jersey- i have to recommend LooseChange on http://www.youtube.com as 30 minute trailer managed to change my mind ever so slightly about what transpired on September 11th-if i see one more commercial Movie dedicated to this supposedCause i will croak. having the tinge of world war two propaganda; when a government is losing its people&say the low #'s of the elect. the government begins doing exactly this. who runs hollywood? what's your answer? if you need to reach me-just click the email me button on my profile. maybe between everything i am doing-i will have 5minutes to send you word or 2.

YellowCards

2006-07-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

nibble of my new post-FifaCup has been Sweet...

life has taken a goodTurn lately...

soapBox has been temporarily removed.

looking forward to the First ManUnited game in August.

maybe Rooney will be behave himself-and refrain from kicking people in sensitive places.

fibbers

2006-06-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

someone was kind enough to lob a trojanhorse into my laptop this week; i think i have 2 of them in fact. for the past 24hours my laptop has been in off position which relates to how i currently view dating. it also seems that the so-called police department in seattle is truly living up to it's soured reputation; if what i have been experiencing the past 2months is any indication of the kind of corruptionthat is taking place.

i have never been revictimized when my concerns where & have been legitimate the way i was a few weeks back. i will put it all of you this way. remember the catholic church scandal a few years back & how they would move pedophilic priests from one parish to another-which of course doesn't prevent an already active pedophile to stop using little boys for sex. that's what the police department does in seattle.

a few years back they where sued for misconduct and brutality from the WTO protests & where supposed to overhaul the police department. i say supposed because it has never happened. i was assaulted back in april and the primary officer who i will refer to as the backstabbing 8th grader-not only didn't make arrest; also tried to discredit me on the police report. when i brought this up to a aggressive, fat & unhappy internal affairs sargeantnot deserving of his job or his title. he not only revictimized me on the phone-but has

since contacted the precinct on my side of the city attempting to salvage the what is to come by making my medical issues-all documented & a confession into making me into a fibber. the problem with that is i haven't fibbed since i was a child-& as an adult survivor of domestic violence i stopped lying after i was nearly killed a decade ago. i find this kind of petty behavior disturbing; as i am still in physical therapy & will remain there till the end of the summer.

there's only 2ways someone can get a neck spasm-one is from whiplash in a car accident& the other is from being manhandled/assaulted. hence, the victim is now the fibber-sad to see how improper the police department handles active cases of domestic violence. in another instance i have an email from my abuser where a detective within the police department told him that he could openly harass me online because of thisJournal.

yeah, that's right a domestic violence detective who not only embraces the abuser & but also tells him to harass me online. the email is such a bomb it's saved-containing this very professional detectives name. what does this tell me. that they're doing everything they can to discredit me as i am viewed by them as a threat. when someone becomes a threat to a corrupt system this is the usual course of action. even our president elect does it-in order for the rest of us to avoid seeing the atrocities in iraq.

there has been days where i have wished that i was fibber-that taking flexorol & over 600mg of aleve a day for 5weeks was fun!!! having my sleep hampered as it hurts to sleep on my right & has since april. i could also talk about how i have had to modify my working & day to day habits. i am weight restricted & for the first time in 17years of cross training can't go running-as it's re-inflaming injury. i usual run over 18miles a week.

i was theatened & told i should be grateful my abuser didn't try to harm with a knife, threatened over this journal when i know the law & would never decribe the fat, overly corrupt sargeants & police men in detail-or post their names. the same kind man told me that i Enjoyed my Victim status, i don't enjoy losing sleep, or my activities that i had just begun enjoying again after having surgery in march.

i wish i was all the unprofessional names this Ubercorrupt establishment is trying to call me-i pity them & their hatred & fear of women. men who obviously have these issues shouldn't be working with victims of domestic violence they should working inside jails making money selling drugs to inmates.

War Within Themselves Wage

2006-06-12T15:54:00.000-07:00

"now, where the swift Rhone cleaves his way between
Heights which appear as lovers who have parted
in hate, whose mining depths so intervene,
that they can meet no more, though broken-hearted;
though in their souls, which thus each other thwarted,
Love was the very root of fond rage
which blighted their life's bloom, & then departed:
itself expired, but leaving them an age
of years all winters,---war within themselves wage."
Childe Harolds's Pilgrimage, Canto III

anger is one of those things that are Not talked about-until encountered;showing someone for who they really are. showing how someone is able to release their anger-without harming someone else, being hostile or abusive. anger is something i have the right to feel-& it's rare for me to show because anger Literally makes me sick. i have fibromyalgia triggering fibroFlares days when i feel pain & feel emotionally& physically drained. days i spend taking vitamin b & cutting down on coffee. i recently encountered hostility from a poorly fed dragon-trapped in a dark castle (like the one in shrek.) lots of Fire, as when you're angry burning bridges is easier than finding a middle ground.

they way i learned about saying what i mean & meaning what i say was from watching people in my life that don't. accountability has a strong connection to me because it's tied together with anger. if i am angry & i do something that, have bad repercussions i take ownership for whatever this is. it's recognizing that i have done something wrong-or harmed someone i care for. i have discovered recently that there's this trend of 7th grade childishness; being caught without a hallpass or throwing food in the cafeteria. acting out without taking responsibility. it doesn't help that reality tv shows are showing toxic unhealthy fighting without consequences.

the spewing anger in myspace-i recently encountered a man wearing a badge for a living who not only was unprofessional; harassing local business owners when his investigation was not complete. it's not as if this type of un-professionalism is new-dating back to older cities in other states, that pair of underwear that has holes in it & are never replaced. replacing the pair of underwear means going through the entire drawer. i finally asked if he had completed his investigation-mentioned that his behavior was harassment & re-victimizing me said more about his view of women than my own medical documented issues; his sympathy was fake.

i pity men that act that way because of the true monster they are able to become. it's a kind anger that has killed wives of police officers-making them into the nastiest kind of criminal because they know how to sidestep the law. i can recall a meeting i sat in over 10years ago i saw fighting over something i never expected peanut butter-the decisive factors where that we had to come to agreement rather consensus. i was in high school my house was a war-school was a minefield. i bounced between the 2 i was taught anger-in the rawest instinct that it is the purest nastiest form. in the meeting that lasted nearly 4hours-we came to agreement- crunchies versus smooth, organic versus peterpan.

the first time i saw people express how they felt without harming someone else-throwing things or hitting below the belt. i learned that anger could be made into something healthy. screaming, humiliating, being emotionally abusive never solves problems-they're emotional grenades that accomplish nothing. i found the quote for this entry in M. Shelley's frankenstein dealing with anger & displacement--humanities ugliest flaws. i only hope that we can learn to take accountability when we cause real harm from anger-rather than acting as cowards. for me & my anger-it's something i am no longer ashamed of-when my body/boundaries are taken for granted i defend myself. however-i try not to blowFire & burn bridges 7th grade wasn't that cool.

click here 2 Begin

2006-06-01T21:55:00.000-07:00

"know it would be outrageous
to come on all courageous
& offer you my hand
to pull you up on dry land
when all i got is sinking sand
the trick aint worth the time it buys
i'm sick of hearing my own lies
& loves a raven when it flies."
davidGray

when i began writing entries it was purely for my own selfish purpose& a way for me to process. i have dissected past relationships; frogs in junior biology class. defining your life forever, who will become doctors & those who run into the bathroom wishing they had never seen the delicate workings of a small frog. til i can write the uglyTruth of humanity that we seem to take with us. MyLai* that took place in iraq last fall. the first time in years i am sitting writing in candleLight for those who where massacred ironically by marine's, those that carry their pain-using it as leverage against others& myself.

i am still dissecting my past, strand by strand-when you are diagnosed with PostTraumaticStressDisorder you are given the gift of a nearly photographic memory. when it's acute it shatters reality taking you away from the people you care about & where you are. as you start to heal, you still see & smell things because your brain chemistry has been altered. the best way i can describe my senses are i innately know how h&h bagels smell-when i haveNot smelled them for months, years. the same goes for trauma memories-before i walked into therapy a few years ago touch& smell would trigger flashbacks, episodes of an event from my past. now, i have very few episodes, usually my body will tell me, but my mind won't go into the memory.

a few years ago i read infiniteJest-a monumental read, a thousand pages of what my childhood felt like mixed in with a broken heart; symbolically shaken like a martini. those where days when i was first diagnosed with FMS* my body screaming when i wouldn't allow myself to feel my stress & pain, when a long couch was more comfortable than facing my splintered reality on the outside. i can still re-call my first run, early spring; i put on my 10 year old hummel pants, crappy sneakers, a sweater & headed west. by the time i hit the beach, tears where falling down my face, beingpelted with cold early spring rain. i met a man walking his dog-showed me a great staircase i still run to this day. i now see this as an omen.

my favorite working pants a pair of BrownKhaki's, bought a few summers ago-on a whim because i like to surprise those i care about @ random. they're wide, paint splattered-i will never throw them away because of what i was taught. sitting here writing this sometime after midnight-i finally get what i didn't get then. i only hope that davidGray's words will give me the strength to stop fearing my heart falling; that itIs okay toTrust&Love. taking a turn on my 6 mile loop greeted by the olympic mountains-a marina & infinite blue sky& gusting northeastern wind aPerfectDay.. i will savor slow waltzes in bed, groggy voices waking me in the morning. grace of yoga moves by candlelight.

FootNotes:
*My Lai-a village in Viet-Nam where civilians where brutally shot by Charlie &Bravo Company on March 16, 1968; the villages of My Lai & My Khe. i recommend Four Hours In My Lai; by M. Bilton & K. Sim.

*Infinite Jest; David Foster Wallace copyright 1996. a books about a tennis academy adjacent to a rehab center; set in boston's north suburb.

*FMS-Fibromyalgia Syndrome-a stress related rheumatoid arthritic syndrome that is common with people diagnosed with trauma related illnesses.

RabbitFoot

2006-05-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

for the last month i have been awakend by sharp, acute pain in my body; usually it's before sunrise-creepingup on me-i switch to the other side & stinging continues. since my last entry-a few things have happened & some that i cannot mention here. maybe, i should be relieved that i misplaced & misjudged the guy i was attempting to date. as each day i have reminder of the type of man he reallyWas.

omens come when i least expect it and this was no different; a few people have come back in my life. positive, good people-it all began last week-on a day that was very long-but became very positive in the end. life is just like that sometimes; you hit rockbottom & your friends are there to help you get through. that makes my days easier. people have come forward to comfort& i have gotten some wonderful hugs &support. i also have managed to get back to my favorite open mic; that was squelched the last couple of months. i have written some new pieces that i am really proud of. things don't feel fuzzy, not wondering if i have to see the savant make excuses to drink @ all hours of the day & listening to how he'd lie about where he was & with whom.

trust is something that has toBE earned-i don't serve it up on a platter, & when it's tested i feel less like granting Trust, because they are taking boundaries& me for granted. i remember the repetitive fights he & i had where he would treat me trust like bungeeCord, how far he could push me; then when i became upset he'd tell me that i wasn't Fair. when someone Claims they are Honest; usually means they'RE Not. the same goes for people that have constant need to over explain behaviors they know hurt you. when you do that you know what you've done. unless you're still 8 years old & learning consequences. i attended a concert recently; TheCrystalMethod-it will be annual event in my life, a reminder of how far i have come.

things are better-if last week is a sign-& theLove i have in my life, hugs-friends that have allowed me the space to cry& slowly start to heal. i am grateful that it's over. my path will noLonger consist of men who take me granted, who lie, cheat& steal my heart. i leave that to watch on Desperate Housewives. if you have earned MyTrust, you know you're truly loved. Thankyou-all of you know who youare.

RightFootGoesTogether

2006-05-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

a few weeks back i posted a poem-i was assaulted. it's not something i am unfamiliar with-see past blogs for answers. this kind, sweet guy i was dating threatened me over this journal & itscontent. he also damaged a nerve on my left side-he justified. i have spent several years learning how/why the angry& controlling man works. growing up in it has made learn what i don'tWant. he fits the profile of your typical physical&emotional abuser. first being that the victim is responsible forHis Actions, never taking ownership forHis anger or consequences.

that was my job-i was responsible for him Not doing his school work, the 24 pack of ipa(little alcoholic) special trips to costco, anger thathe couldn't manage & not completing his graduateStudies. his last words to me was that he's not responsible. he mirrors our president elect to a tee. besides the lovely bacterial infection he gave me on top of the physical damage-how sweet canA guy be?

i attempted to be the bigger adult with him this week, failing miserably. when i told him that he was responsible for my physical therapy(something i never imaged doing again) & my medical bills-this sweet, genuine guy told me he wasBroke. he will be making a close to $50 an hour in a month. he also has a thing for his cousin-if i can call her that? she's more like the crutch & someone he emotionally cheated on me with.

i am grateful-he taught me that i still take my boundaries for granted, & health-as 3days after i had surgery he threatened 2x times in a week to throw me out his car. when the police arrived @ the scene they told me that things could have been much worse(after the assault;) i saw medics & doctors.

i know i have mountain to climb to find someone healthy-i know when i find him my work & putting my foot down willall be Worth it. loveDoesn't leave someone with a damagedNerve & black& blue that took nearly 10days to go away; it also doesn't tell you that you should be grateful that you're not bleedingMore cause he cut his nails.

zero2infinity

2006-05-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

i sat between the empire state building & nyu-watching students, potpourri of tourists armed to the teeth with cameras. it was an afternoon @ dean& deluca in the village filled with law school exams; crammed reading & writers & shoppers. to me it was nyu the way i remember, swirled with sirens, students & blue sky. most people take vacations to slow, sedate places-where everything is different from where they are. to me ny is the juxtaposition to where i currently live. rushed, subway turnstiles, extended hands flagging down cabs& the bewilderedTourist.

my first day back in the tristate area i slept in-got accosted by humidity i had forgotten happens in april. walked around lower manhattan running into celebrity playboys, overdressed fleece wearing hipsters& gloss girls. since soHo lost, its fight with charFucks the dynamic has changed. a few other corporateWhore stores have moved into the neighborhood changing what was once an independent, artsy part of nyc into gloss girl's paradise. not only has lower manhattan become a place for tourists to make pilgrimages to ground zero; usually asking directions when they're less than 10blocks from it. i recently sat down with a friend of mine & we discussed the shifting dynamic of ground zero-for it's enough to see the empty space where the buildings once stood-watching your former lover with someone else-do you really need to see it up close?

nyc was everything i expected it to be; rushed-funny & hearing memorable conversations-sometimes so incredible stupid it was hard not to laugh. it is also the land of the 20 second crush; like a beautifulBoy i saw in midtown who wore an AbFab suit & rode a crappy bike. he was good looking butsensible& but heKnew how to wear aSuit; not the same as buying one. the consulate i guy i ran into in a midtown watering hole, we sat running social commentary on everyone else in the bar.

an espn play by play. i had an experience when i was taking the metroNorth back to nyc on an sunday afternoon-trapped next to a highsociety woman-across sat a trustFund brat, next to him was fatMan with no etiquette & his obvious suffering eating disorder wife who chirped on her cell phone for the entire 90minutes(a veryPersonal conversation.) faux-pas...to the point that when i reached 125th i fled up a few cars.

i had vacation NineOneOne feeling like it wouldn't come fast enough; then when i was there it didn't last long enough. i no longer define myself by a guy, in the beginning i did that often defining my reality through the eyes of my lovers rather than by me. that is what typical abusers do, narrow your own perspective & adjust how you should feel. when i was back east; it was just visiting home-when i thought i was lost i usually wasn't. it made me want to find someone healthy-not someone that plays that on tv.

it's like the fascination with the empire state building or ground zero& disneySquare(timesSquare) although they have become 3parts of nyc that has defined the city in the last few years. a few years back i was broken by a relationship-love no longer looked shiny after it ended. i know like riding the subway that i have right to my own personal boundaries, that i ask someone to move their backpack & to ask for directions. i define myself by what i accomplish. riding the 7-& getting to queens in record time-i knew what i was doing. ialso knew 2months ago-that i noLonger wanted to be with a sugarcoatedWimp (insert artificalsweetner here.)

a good relationship is based on mutual trust & respect doesthe same thing. i ran into a fling from last summer in a very hip part of the city; the chemistry was still there. if you read this look me up. life's to short to not forgive those who deserveIt. my new favorite tshirt has the sign of zero on the front & sign of infinity on the back-not everything needs a label, category or a place, some things just are&are not. as shakespeare once said.

eastcoastLinks:
www.queensnewyork.com
www.mta.nyc.ny.us

gardenVariety

2006-04-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

i allowed my instincts to take a back seat to reality lately; some don't deserve chances.

GardenVariety

musical car horns greet
baby strollers, dog walkers
stretched limo's& celebrity.
old brick buildings-dumb-bell
apartments; sitting in the shadow
of the empire state building.

watching underground break
dancing-laughter spreads-with wide
smiles. asked on the bus my origin-
keep him guessing. stepping off
uptown-darkened corners,

125th street station-express
opens wide into port authority.
hustlers, gangsters, bewildered
tourists rubbing sleep out of their
eyes.

chasing escalators, rounding corners
watching for the accidental grab.
in a small changing room-my
intuition come back from a whimper;

rush of wind hitting my face serves as a
token, aching black& blue tattoed on my
left arm. the thing called love-wasn't any-
thing but a fake tan, temporary tattoo

picked up @ a festival. i want to learn
how to walk without falling,
learn how to love without hurting,
learn how to trust myself-
without doubt.

sitting in an attic-i find space
a gift i had nearly forgotten.

CER COPY ONE April 28, 2006

extraHotwithFoam

2006-04-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

for years i drank my coffee extrahot with foam-wimpy stuff that a mermaid company practically patented. seattle is now lucky enough to have a ceo who said "china rocks." maybe he skipped studying the east in college? maybe the fact that people are still being oppressed, spied upon by their neighbors & aren't allowed the internet without government controls? the Nikefactor (manufacturing products for 90% less than what they retail.) & are still afraid to speak out about their conditions to western media.

china's history is a mixed bag, from the dynasty that ruled it's providences by using water; rivers to manipulate it's people. the Shih Huang-ti's dynasty's people got a nice dose of government censorship pre-AD. "in 212b.c., for instance, more than 460 scholars at the capital were found to have 'slandered the emperor' & 'spread heretical ideas confuse the public,' & were all sentenced to be buried alive, while those in the provinces, who had been accused of committing similar crimes, were exiled to the frontiers as soldiers." during this totalitarian regime china was in a bitter war with mongolia; who had started invading the northern borders of still unstable unified china.

a friend of mine over a decade ago said that china would rise up and have economic power, i remember looking @ him like he was an idiot. it was the year of a student standing in front of a tanker in a square asking for human rights. the same year taiwan encountered a few weapons fired from china's soil. cause you know china rocks @ total control; irregardless of who's in the white house. a certain ceo had thePresident of china over for dinner. china wants control over how it runs it's operating system-ascertaining more control over it's population on home soil (domestic spying without the patriotAct.)

it's not the only american internet company to do so; the top 3 got slapped by the senate for cooperating with china over it's email & internet provider service. it's the fact that chinese have to use a shadow drivers when they want to enter sites the government doesn't permit it's public to access. back to the nikeFactor, a few years ago this mormon conglomerate decided that american workers wanted too much: healthInsurance, better pay & hours-they came upon this great idea, outsourcing. why not slash a few american jobs; close a few towns & leave people barely making it. walmart began a trend that has continued with dell, gap inc...

china may have mcdonalds, mermaid foam & is again ruling hongKong-but hungry for more. it's history is painted with amazing art work, the great wall-& a society that was far more advanced than it's european counterparts. now manipulates it's people by working for embarrassingly low pay in horrid conditions. sowing farms-usually poorly lit & workers having to work 12-16 hour days for that oldnavy shirt you bought cause it was cheap. the $12 you bought it for was 3days of work. i'll take my chinese history without the foam, or the excuses; & i'd never have henrykissinger over for latte's.

Quotes & Resources
The Ageless Chinese A History, Third Edition: Li, Dun J. Copyright 1978 Charles Scribner's Sons.

http://www.amnesty.org
http://www.npr.org

fairyTales

2006-04-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

i had a anniversary recently; 12years of dating; okay so it's not an anniversary it's more like watching Paintdry-the men that is. i have been told the last few years that i should write a novel about theExperience of dating. dating isn't novel-if it wasn't for Sex& the City i would have become a dyke or nun long ago. this is a special entry about all the most memorable lines i have heard from pua's, geeks, jocks & your garden variety programmers. i will start by posting lines that should be decommissioned:

-it wasn't flirting.if it looks like a fish it is.

-i want us to be Friends-nope you need a 1230AM booty call.

-it's not you-it's me-nope it is Me.

-i will call you

-i am not Lying

-i will change-maybe when alaska gets 100degree days in the summer.

-i don't know what i want-another classic:interpretation not the woman you're with.

-i forgot my cell phone in my car-usually means he's cheating; seeing someone behind your back.

-i don't find her attractive-interpretation-HeDoes.

-i don't have any problems-a few problems: porn addiction, alcoholism, bipolar, anger, abandonment..

-you're beautiful-usually said after a man has done something he knows he's guilty of.

-i don't look @ you as an object-usually means he does.

-i wasn't window shopping, checking her out-interpretation-is he drooling? then he was.

-i don't know what i want. usually means that Yes they do.

-i don't want something longTerm-usually means you've been objectified, commitment phobic men who only want a BootyCall.

-you make a good first wife.

-i need space-this isn't what they want.

-i like your mind-usually means he likes your body.

-i think i am gay, in love with someone else-translation: confusion. step away.

-i was out with the guys-we had a game @ the bar to see how many phone numbers we could get.

-i don't know her/him. usually means Hedoes.

this can go on for the rest of my entry so i am stopping while i am ahead.(stay tuned for furtherFairyTaleEntries.) dating is like shopping for a car: thanks to internet dating, coffee shops & your garden variety bars men fall into these categories.

name that ubersexy sports car; if he's under the age of 40 he got his inheritance early, had a mid-life crisis cause his college sweetie was tired of waiting for him to slow down enough to have actual relationship. sports car men move fast; they expect the rest of the world including you to move at their pace. foreplay, communication falls to way side of trying break the speed limit barrier. men in this category tend to have issues in bed, most to embarrassing to name here.

these men usually wears little tacky logo's on their shirts & still find Polo sexy--reminding women of 8th grade is a fun sport. there's a subcategory to this category, the BMW 3series set(entryLevel bling..) everything above applies, just count on the guy to be selfish& buying his food on his credit card-while @ the same time thinking that he's the only man in the room with greasedBack hair& NoEtiquette.

men i have had the privilege to learn from are: the buttondownshirts; usually they wear indescribably ugly button shirts with carharts(anything Rugged cause they'reNot.) expensive shoes & are closet narcissists-barely traveled & don't know how to pack even for a short hike weekend trip. these men buy shirts second hand & pretty much everything else. they believe that if something cheap breaks it doesn't matter as they can find the item in really poor condition @ a garage sale, thrift shop or ebay.

there's a difference between NEWbuttondownshirt men & your thriftShop variety; cheap buttondownshirt men tend to also like to protest, proclaim dooms day theories-drivingPoorly used cars. although their shirts should be burnt & the women from whatNOTtoWear should do a dress intervention these men think that the ugly plaid shirt looks good, when all their colleagues are wearing brooks brothers.

as i can write a novella about how men have shorted themselves in relationships with me i will say in my defense that it all comes down to communication&being accountable. i was serious in my entry recently about finding Mr. Right-not Mr. RightNow. dating to me has become as sublime as watching paint peel. i am thinking of renting coupling an residing to looking for a sperm donor soon(just kidding!!)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/coupling/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/lifestyle/tv_and_radio/what_not_to_wear/index.shtml

TableTops

2006-03-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

i attended a chinese new year dinner in january; it was a fundraiser for a local school & during the dinner one of the instructors spoke about the significance of the year of the dog. one of the many topics he spoke about was keeping things Above The Table= Honesty. he said that nothing gets accomplished by Lying and keeping things Under The Table. it's one of My mantra's Honesty; to me it's as essential as water. honesty became an epiphany for me nearly a decade ago; after spending most of my youth lying about what took place in my parents house.

i began using the 3Strikes rule in college; striking out my life is simple. i will use the last guy i Attempted To Date:(when someone isn't sincere with their feelings or intentions towards the person(s) they are dating.) as an example of this. what once used to take me 2Years only took me 10Weeks-a new record for me. here are few example of behavior i don't think anyone should display if they want to have a Healthy relationship. 1. coming onto a friend of mine during a party in my honor. 2. i had to pay for my own sushi on my birthday 3. threatening, raging and argumentative behavior when i called him out on His actions.

i have noticed lately that there's a disturbing trend happening, maybe it Began when Clinton decided that IT didn't happen; or maybe Enron or TomDeLay. it's called accountability-and most of these men didn't admit to fault until they had been caught. accountability for Right/Wrong seems blase in this decade filled with cheating& lying @ everyLevel of the corporate, academic and social world. i look @ accountability the same way i will always look @ trust. working within habitat for humanity learning that i was responsible for a site & i was accountable for everyone who worked with me. meaning; safety, assembly & communication: typical corporate management skills. i have applied these skills to my life & will encompass what the chinese instructor said-i will Live this year OnTop of the Table.

as for AttemptingToDate-i am currently off the market & have decided to refocus my life on my company; friends & staying true during the year of the dog. embracing my inner-strength& wearing more red & learning the delicate ways of saying No. remember that if someone doesn't respect you tell them that the fasten seatbelt sign has been turned off & they are Free to move about the cabin.

CarbonStamped

2006-03-06T23:08:00.000-08:00

different colored tubes for blood tests filled the space in the last sixWeeks-that's up until last week friday when i entered the operatingRoom with 18 hours notice & growling stomach. it's been nearly three days now; i have been counting each second i proudly fart & burp as my body is slowly ridding itself of CO2. i felt pregnant with the pressure-couldn't see my feet-couldn't turn in bed(good practice for later..) i got to see some really cool pictures of my insides-as if looking @ the gray screen of the ultrasound hasn't been groovy enough(i only had 5!)

got to see ovaries in all their white glory, my fallopian tubes& the motherload my cervix; my doctor found some abnormalities & burnt some tissue away, sliced some other stuff all with nothing bigger than a pen. i had a great medical team-& recovery room was a blast. i got to hear mother/son fight-between chicken noodle soup& my nausea rising in my chest. in my drugged up state i saw the sun go down, watched half an episode of the simpsons & got sick of Inhaling stale air.

the pain i have been having is slowly going away; sliding would be a better term-since i still have some leftOver drugs in my system from the surgery. i am sleeping with legsUp-stiff on my back. i count the amount of hours i sleep like a prize. i am not a rookie to the procedure i had-getting an inflated belly of CO2 nor the shot of anesthetic that knocked me out-my IV tube closed counted to 5 & i was in dreamLand. it was only 60Minutes; i didn't leave the hospital till 4hours later.

eachDay is brandNew-polished. i am looking forward to running along the marina& in the woods..walking without pain & checking out NewYork in all it's spring glory. having a bottle of my favorite raisinBeer curledUp on the couch with my lover; who has been nothing short of awesome the last few days.

MagicalDoctors

2006-03-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

maybe, it's just me-that TV advertising now consist mainly of pharmaceutical ads--channels are being funded by the Big3 pharm companies. if you have depression, rheumatoid arthritis, boneLoss, constipation drug companies have TheDrug for you. i noticed this trend recently when i went to a "specialist" i put this in quotes as the man did no physical exam & went with old data. he was so certain of his prognosis that he didn't feel the "need" to do what is referred to by actual specialists& doctors as a "work-up."

a work-up means that the a physical exam is done, & or tests to pinpoint the cause of why you're seeing an actual specialist. i will refer to him by what a nurse i know called him-TheMagicalDoctor doesn't get his hands dirty(that's soo old school.) he/she will usually be in bed with one of the three pharmaceutical company reps. these reps are also responsible for increasing number of people with painKiller addictions;

such as vicodin & the distribution of pharmaceutical drugs in high schools, colleges & the ever so helpful internet & pharmParties-where prescriptions are passed around like m&m's.. magical doctors can be anything from your basic dermatologist(they by my experience are one of the most gold lined wallets.)i encountered a few basic physicians;one who was an internist @ yaleMedicalcenter who told me to deal when i had an adverse reaction to a drug she had written a script for.

or the few therapists who i have seen over the last decade who attempted to push drugs to keep me coming to see them longer; one in particular pushed lithium on me when my symptoms didn't warrant it. this practice is common& widely spread. physicians reliability of a niceKickBack usually of cash or deposit for patiences they where able to convince needed the drug. magicalDoctors usually have pens laying about their offices; sometimes the brazen will hang posters of the body this WunderKind drug solves; from the reps of course-Why?

it's cheaper than buying a Poster actual without the Nice Logo @ the bottom. their wallets are padded by getting people "hooked" on a prescription. in my case he automatically included 2 refills for a drug that runs $150Per-month; & which my insurance company would cover half of. i won't be pickingUp my prescription-& am in the process of calling my insurance company asking them to not pay him.

magicalDoctors recently cried foul nationally over malPractice insurance in several states. if you got your pocket lined with a few thousand bucks per-month&patiences cried foul & sued for malPractice. these MagicalDoctors deserve their highInsurance costs being incompetent should come with a price.

FineLinings

2006-02-08T17:51:00.000-08:00

recently, several unexpected things have happened in my life-one of them being my company; findingLove& discovering that i have to make some decisions in regards to reproduction, sooner than i had expected. things always seem to come in 3's for me. for the last decade i have had pain in my abdomen& pelvis Ignoring it. this month i learned that i have cysts the size of a little bit bigger than golfBalls that are hemorrhagic. this has also created some tough questions i didn't think i'd be asking for 5years.

i look@ challenges as learning experiences & theyare meant to teachMe something i didn't necessarily know before. spending the weekend on a hospital mattress being prodded, poked & given drugs is not my idea of fun. i'd almost prefer to be lost camping-as i know better what to do in that kind of situation. when you're lying straight out on a hospital bed fatalityHas this way of creepingup on you.

it did with me-questioning what my goals are; what is important in my life-what Do i ActuallyWant out of it. i have done lots of thinking in the past 2weeks. i know that love doesn't come wrapped in a bow; because no one is Perfect. i am one for admitting my Mistakes; however recently i am learning howmuch i sabotage even my own selfEsteem. as someone that has suffered from acute& mild PTSD for a decade i know that the 2 go hand inHand.

now-the greatest fear i have is looking @ me-things i haven't had the brain capacity for till now-kids. if you had told me that i would be facing this Now i would have laughed-& said you where joking. being a good mother is something i want to be-i have to make some serious decisions in regard to my ovaries& the future.

maybe i will have the socioConstruct of wife/mother sooner than i thought? who knows-till i get in to see a specialist i will be limping through myCity enjoying seeing mountains-covered in snow, greeting mothers with their children & being grateful that my cyst didn't takeMe this time.

awkwardMoments

2006-01-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

i will start where i was going on my last post that i took down when i was placed between what i can call a fling & my current beau in one of my favorite cafe's in seattle. i felt guilt when i know i have done nothing wrong-But Movingon from that relationship& dismantled trust. a few years back my PTSD was more acute& i had more triggers than i do now; my anger was reflected off of being reactive to my environment rather than accepting my environment & who i am.

triggers can be anything from someone's voice, smell& touch to street traffic, screaming & your garden variety flashbacks, the same types of flashbacks that they are currently treating soldiers coming back from iraq with. i was a different person in my late 20's-having very little belief in my own abilities; & knowing that love is not a consequence, cause love shouldn't be. people who suffered from PTSD or what was once called shell shock; have been greatly ignored up until nineeleven when PTSD became hip the way bipolar was for the last 20 years.

most people that suffer from PTSD either refuse treatment or think that they can wish their triggers away; i had acute triggers for most of my life-that was constantly setOff by toxic relationships, emotional abuse by family & poor decision making. for me the poor decision making came from Not believing that ihad the Right to Respect& Love. 2 essential things everyone has the Right to & sadly to say i didn't get. when someone has triggers they refuse tocope with several things can happen, & for the record Trust is one of the hardest things for someone with PTSD to do; Why because trauma destroys this boundary, that when one has

PTSD is like rebuilding the berlin wall. a few years ago i had a fling with a guy that treated me like i was part of his annual trustFund-& an asset rather than a person. he saw how vounerable i was &took advantage; by settingUp his webcam along with laptop in his bedroom, after i had repeatedly said No it was private. needlessly to say my weak boundary was something he didn't respect. as hard as this mayBe to understand i have forgiven him for this Tryst of my respect; why because i No longer hold onto something that is painful.

PostTraumaticStressDisorder patients usually have more than this one aspect; as fibromyalgia & irritable bowl syndrome have been linked; as these 2 are offsets of the initial illness & both are caused byTrauma also linked with stress. i can admit that i dated some Realwinners for a while, usually men who talked out of bothSides of their mouths, men who had unhealthy relationships themselves& some like the fling i was with last summer who had acute PTSD but believed that he could willAway his illness; as he didn't want to getHelp as lashing out in anger @ me was easier than finding the Realsource for Why he was acting that way.

i leave ya'll with this-next time you see someone react ask yourself if your boundaries where destroyed by trauma if you wouldn't act the sameWay? ask yourself if you ever had flown off the handle rather than communicating because it was easier than cooling off & talking about the issues later when the situation has shifted. learn what i did-establish boundaries for yourself & keep them...wonderful things might happen if you do.

http://www.ptsdalliance.org
http://www.webmd.com

LoveIsBrighterThanSunshine

2006-01-06T22:56:00.000-08:00

hey, ya'll.....hope you had a safe, happy holiday; i made a second batch of meatballs that beat out the one in my last entry. secret recipe(you'll have to marry me to get it, sorry.) well, this a multi faceted entry as there has been a few things have made me think lately; let me re-state for the record that internet dating is over-rated. a few things have changed, my company is now official, my so-called dull life has changed, & i finally made a marmalade show. i received an interesting box from my mother for christmas, the cookies where great as was the 3lbs of imported chocolate; as for whatelse was in the box, i will just say that it was disappointing but proved what i have known for a longtime that my parents have no idea who i am becoming or who i am.

i have noticed recently Etiquette is goingDownthe drain; a boy recently got into my personal space over a seat in a coffee house that was nearly empty; spitting on public transportation, besides the fact that this is a felony, there is a reason that there are camera's on city buses here, duh! etiquette is blase-it's as if rudeness is theNewblack. how few people have tact in public places, even over the smallest things. i adore my new apartment but not my downstairs neighbor who listens to terrible music & has more than once treated my building as if it is a underclass dorm, or the barista barely paying attention as she poured my coffee, destroying a konaMocha-that should be blasphemous, come on ruin kona? another example is how people

@ the post office either ask redundant questions-like today, this noxious older gentleman who asked if he put $3.5o, into the vending machine in bills(of course) if he'd get his stamps(is he really that dumb? i doubt it-just a Narcissist out for Freshair.) maybe the bagladies: women who shop & must show off their purchases, can't get on the bus because they can barely manage what they bought. another favorite thing that i have enjoyed watching lately is women who can't walk in heels, walking like ducks down the street as they are barely able to walk; but who will look@ my crocs like iam freak cause Iam not walkingFunny--i missed that part-commonsense people....? no, don't answer that.

another favorite of mine, is BadWriting in movies, say the so-called script for KingKong, where did they dig up the writer, 90210? as a writer myself, i was mortified by this movie, who got more scripted pitches on access hollywood: an entire 2weeks; gawd. i haven't heard that much gasping & panting since i saw a porn, blond actor who played Kong's babe; she was treated the way little 2year olds will fling dolls across the room -the highlight of this terrible movie--however the jurassicPark relics that had an epically bad fight with Kong. among other bad editing tactics was poor blue screen editing & the line where the hasBeen SaturdayNightLive actor says to the cast that's not dead on skull island that they're going to find Kong& girl for some random extra's mother, pleeeeease.

here's another peeve i have, how men no matter how good looking they think they are; expect women to send them pictures of themselves using lame verbs to justify this practice of harvesting pictures. it's not enough that internet porn is considered as addictive as meth, coke and a few other manufactured drugs that are on the market. how this lovely addiction is ruining marriages, destroying relationship & making natural looking women obsolete, such as myself. i don't respect porn in the same way i don't respect stripClubs. i read an article a few months ago, about how women such as myself, make girl money-how some men want women reflected on leave it Tobeaver, stay @ home power mom, Expected to sacrifice their identities for men, & Theircareers. as a 21Century female i greatly resent this, as when i have money iDo pay, i even insist on it.

i am dating again-spent yesterday afternoon locking lips all over the city& shopping in one of my favorite stores, eating one of the most sinful slices of cake i have in a longTime. it was raining, something i only noticed when we sat on the last bus. love is brighter than sunshine; a song by aqualung that has better writing than Kong. :0*

swedishMeatballs

2005-12-12T19:00:00.000-08:00

here i was in the midst of diamond ads on the telly, carols in everystore i frequent beginning to feel like scrooge & grinch until this weekend. when a goodfriend inspired me to decorate my apartment-hanging my ornaments, while we drank the best Glogg i have ever made, i mean-Ever. amazingly yummy stuff-all thanks for my mother's great recipe. i bought myself this great new teddy bear @ one of my favorite places to people watch. i may Not have a tree, or a 2.5 kids with a trophy catch on my arm-but i have great friends...

who are there when i pick up phone dial, guilt me for not coming to their shows-promise i will be there next week, promise. really. i knew i was going to get busted-today i was. as i was a few weeks ago when i ran into one of my favorite bartenders who asked where i had been. those are things that are better than some contrite commercial image of christmas. i am expecting my mother's tin of famously goodcookies, looking forward to 05 ending. i may shaking my booty into 06...?

what have i learned this last year: when my intuition kicks in-it means something is Actually wrong or a situation is wrong. if i have to explain hugging my male friends to a man i am dating, i will place him on my SOL list(don't let the doorhit you on the way out.) the same goes for men who crush on their roommates, have no life outside of burning man& list designer drugs& misuse Habitual&weed in the same sentence-Eh, not sexy. i also realized that RealLove is Not what i Wasted 2 years going back/forth to.

as a goodfriend keeps saying-he wants me to date, i am sick of Lines, i have heard enough to write a book. i'd rather meet someone that i can be myself with; understanding that i may have been dragged by my heels this year- i didn't break, & who doesn't look @ me as damaged i am not. you see the one thing i know that i didn't realize till i left Greg(when he was fukcing the neighbor in the pink condo unit-his dog led me to her door-thanks Sniffy!!) & Justified throwing me out; continuing by threatening, dragging me to court, lying under oath& playing "The System." than spending the last 14 months stalking, harassing & attempting to destroy my name& reputation online and off making him Coward.

most of what he did, as i learned in the domesticViolence shelter is/was because he no longer has control over me; & the people that truly count in my life, where honest enough to tell me that they never liked him when i was with him anyway. i may have spent months, living out of my samsonsite, wondering where my pillow would end up next, but each month after leaving i learned something---Actually.

i almost lost my self identity my belief in my own abilities& recognizing that i can contribute making a difference. a real difference people can feel & experience. it's what i do with my company, it's how i embrace my male friends without retribution or having to wonder how i will explain Why i hugged someone i love. that i am allowed to have several goodFriends not just One-that they can be of either sex-they can be superGQ or superGeeky i can hug them without Guilt, i can flirt& i do without Guilt...

i can go out & come home whenever i want, i have yet to break in my new bed-i can be adored,wakingUp without nightmares, or wondering How i will Explain hugging Myfriends. i have been told my face is softer these days,looking less stressed, my eyes look clear, skin does as well. i had a day where i cried last week, i had PMS & had a mild PTSD trigger. all i did was pick up phone, my voice calmned, it passed. i didn't have explain Why i felt that way & got the support i needed.

i am grateful for Greg, but more grateful for Sniffy-all the walks Sniffy & i would not have become addicted to my favorite coffee house or become a fan of Mighty O donuts. i wouldn't have met a man that makes his own strawberry jam& beer. i am grateful for another reason too, Greg is Just like my parents, i feel like i stood on the edge of the cliff with Thelma& Louise & i decided i didn't need to jump, just see how far up i was & to realize i don't want to repeat abuse i grewUp with& Greg was thePerfect candidate.

Greg wanted me to Believe i was abusive, that's been provenWrong-all i haveTo do is goOutside& smile. i am funny, sarcastic, emotional, honest-& a big flirt, i love lots of people. just Not Greg; i don't think i ever did. that's Truth i can live with, because love shouldn't prick you like a cactus, it's soft, warm & isn't Afraid to hold your hand..i know i look good because i love myself now, from the inside out. maybe that's why i made Perfect Swedish meatballs & glogg(mulledWine.) i knew i always could, i just didn't believe in myself. Belief is just that precious. as we say where i grewUp-God Jul og Godt Nytt Aar!! see you ya'll in 06.

ThankYouVeryMuch :0)

2005-11-23T19:20:00.000-08:00

it's that time of year again-we're saturated with christmas & overSpending---&wallace&gromit is still in the theatre!! i am writing a small list of thanks for all those who stood by my side this past year. your support& hugs has made Huge difference in my life..

a special woman that showed me that emotional/psychological abuse is debilitating/destructive. learning to trust my intuition, and set boundaries. who taught me how look @ things from another perspective, for letting me cry, for letting breathe& teaching me that love is about trust not about consequences & jumpingthrough rings of fire & living by excuses.

author of : why does he do that? reading it was an epiphany to learn that what i lived through for so long was not in my head; it was painfully real.

my friend in albany who has been in my life for the past 10 years; and who fills me in on the life of a happily married man. what would i do without his phone calls of support and funny jokes, and men that are lemons i mean rotten chicken.

my rebound lover, a beautiful, emotional and sweet man i am grateful after my sexdrive went cold. taught me intimacy. thanks for wallace&gromit. for telling me to not stop fighting, for believing in me. i will always love you-and those deep/intimate stares we shared when i made christmas cards over steeming cups of joe. naked dinners& 3 hours in bed on the weekends. :0*

robinHood& the crew of the trabant in Udistrict, they make a great cup of coffee-for laughter, cointreau laced chocolate& those beautiful orange couches. what a great reminder of how much i don't miss college-but i want to go back. really i do.

for all the women i met in walks of life that taught me that change may be the hardest homework we get. for helping me acknowledge the abuse i justified as love. for teaching me that one fall morning that i never loved him, i loved an aspect of someone that was never there-abuse is not love.

a man that is like a father to me, who gave a hope last winter when i thought there was none to have. for his support and trust in me and this amazing year, when he could have walked away. he has been a great pillar of strength and hope.

for my parents for supporting me through the past year-acknowledgement i got @ the summer's birthday party was wonderful, listening even when what i say is difficult and hard to hear. being proud of who i am now. i am truly grateful.

my old family friend in NYC who stepped up when i got sick over lunch, who mothered me and showed concern. all the people that i had the great luck to meet and love on the eastcoast-for telling me where to find bagels on a sunday afternoon.

brain surgeons and the crew on mondays-who have given me their shoulders, hugs and laughter. obey the ways of the ball, you must bowl young darf vader is cleans the mind and soothes the soul. when jet lagged bowling is good-(177 points good.)

4th of july fireworks, that was honest with me and himself to say that starting line still scared him-he had an adorable accent; thanks for almost being the RealThing. i needed a warm up. my friends who dragged me to rooftop parties with great views, on artwalks & to the movies.

(a small token of thanks to the former crew of hines coffee in eastlake, i miss ugly green couch terribly, children laughing & playing on saturday mornings, roastings, cuppings and all things coffee-i thought i already knew, not.)

an italian go-getter and writer/poet who i will miss come next year, as she is leaving me for real gelato, cappuccinos made dry. who's ability to mock poor kissing, bad poetry and our x's with flair and panache. she knows how to make me laugh..i will miss you.

for all the could've beens that have drifted in/out my life this year, a misfit, a lemon and a mistake i wish i could take back. tallJoe for just being there this spring; thanks for the crystalmethod show.

bierstuben in roosevelt: the adorable marine wildlife on the plasma screen after close, spooling massiveAttack, my favorite chair@ the bar. you guys make the best martini's& pretzels.

zoka all locations for making abFab cup of joe no place can match, for hearts in my coffee on days when i have really needed them, & silly/desperate pickup lines that will oneday make it into books. (what would we girls do, if we couldn't make fun of the lemons.)

thursdays @ tost-one word: marmalade. one word: community, one word: love. you're beautiful, and you truly know how to rock a thursday night. now i can do it guilt free...

my grandmother for flying me chocolate from 3000 miles away, for her wisdom and her heart; i can't wait to go fishing with you next year!! my aunts and uncles in sweden who surprised me jetlagged and kept the laughter & conversation going even when i felt like i had flown in on a red eye. for mc claus & the gang that i got to catch up with when i was home, who saw that i have grown into a woman(who made fun of my teenage angst, asked for couches months in advance and shared a part of their day with me.)

my dad for believing in my company, my goals with it and for giving a new way to look how far how i have come. i am almost @ quarterly tax time(really excited..)

for anyone who has done me a favor, stepped up when i least expected it-or just been there on the other end of the line when i called. if i had hugs for all of you i would give them on Thanksgiving. thanks for not doubting when it was what i was best @. welcoming me back where i thought i was lost,for greeting me with a smile and pat on the back as if no time had gone by @ all. for re-teaching me that sex/love sometime do mix & forgiveness can be hardest thing to accept when it comes without strings. ThankYou.

(now go eat that ham/turkey/quail thing-just make sure you sit @ the grownUps table, and no whining over the pumpkin pie unless you made it yourself. for those in the know, glogg party is sameTime different station. now pass out doing whatever it is you do in Thanksgiving, hope to hug you all soon.)

PockyDays

2005-11-10T11:03:00.000-08:00

a few months ago i was home, seeing my folks and my sister-a relationship that has always been about upmanship & competition, not about being family or being sisters. rather than attempting to patch up our distorted childhoods-something that after years of ignoring each others birthdays & major holidays, that looks impossible. it sad that we can't act like adults & establish some sort of communication. i recently saw "in her shoes" with a good friend of mine who also has sisters.

everyone is different-i recently noticed that paper media is focusing on how our society is using prejudices in many different ways. i am not a fan of oprah but recently bought her magazine(something that is completely out of the ordinary for me.) it was filled with some great stuff for the that favorite and stressful time year called the holiday season. we come up with ways of justifying how we think someone acts-the US vs. Them mentality. it has become a prevalent topic on seattle's rant/rave list; which has become a place for libel, character assassination & racism, sexism & any other ism. it's not so much a backlash, but it showcases how people justify their racist/prejudicial behavior; doing it on a server board diminishes their attitudes, my idea is that if you're using isms online you're also using them off line; although not as noticeable(like my toxic x who thought telling racist/sexist jokes where funny-not.)

after a drought in my wardrobe for a few weeks i decided to wear a short skirts with a pair of new boots i recently treated myself to. when i was sitting in my favorite chair in the coffee house this afternoon, i was called a whore. it's a term i have heard since high school, & it's usually used by people that a) i'd never date for obvious reasons or b)that traditional pua perception of me as Easy, i hate to say that this bastard was wrong on both- a coward (lacking those two manly things; balls/tact) i recently was shagged; nothing to brag about, as he lacked talent in that department, but alleviates my cabin fever, & mate hunting for a while.

as for the world of dating it's not something i like doing, i prefer unknowingly falling for someone- not because we do scripted/cliche dating but because we spend time together. sometimes that's all that it takes, i do like cliche dating stuff, but prefer the non-traditional date, i have had quite a few. i remember fondly meeting this sweetguy named M-in Latespring of 2001-we went rock climbing in a gym & he helped me move off vashon island. if you read this-know that i found you adorable. (blushing)

pocky is this great cracker that isn't shaped like one; i went down to my favorite store in the international district, treating myself to some asian treats. ate enough sushi for a month-downed it all with green tea, yum. what could be better? it was another beautiful rainless day...it's Winter & it's 54 degree's out; hence the skirtWeather-as we called it backEast. there's been change in my life lately-this inability to compromise my selfEsteem for people that treat communication as a non-essential component. i will not compromise myself if i feel uncomfortable. "in her shoes" touches on the how easy men think they can rape just because they bought you a drink @ a bar. acting like a pua without having Justify their behavior judging by the isms on craigslist is behavior they're Not responsible for. it's the convenience of the Us vs Them mentality. it's the idea of not being responsible for actions/behavior they have done, & are doing.

society has become this place where people's actions are something they blame on everyone else. i recently wrote about my newFound happiness. happiness that comes without feeling guilty for wakingup smiling, i no longer feel sad-& realize that love is not about codependence it's about having the ability to be honest with yourself. i had a great conversation with a teen on the bus the otherday; she was bright, funny-making the commuter bus usually filled with grouches pleasant. it's practicing not separating what i understand-what i don't. people come in all sizes, colors and i no longer believe in perfection; prince charming ended after i finished college-after a trail of brokenHearts.

i think my former lovers have taught me what i am willing to deal with and what i am not; it's the same with friendship. i had a great sleepover with a good friend-next day dismantled , assembled, sneezing- putting together computers for a non-profit. exhaustion i felt after volunteering was exhilarating, i also got to see what my work did for my friends workplace. we finished a great day with thai& a movie. i look @ relationships like this: how well does someone i am with handle my good days/bad days, as nothing ever runs smoothly. i'd like fall in love Again-but i have stopped looking, nor expecting. i am grateful for eachday that i wake up smiling, boy watching& flirting-i call it excuseFree living-it's fantastic..discovery, wonderful& splendid.(these words are currently overused by advertisers-have you discovered a brighter smile, yet?)

PomeGranateSeeds

2005-10-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

i peeled a pomegranate the other night-savouring the seeds, grateful for the changes in my life, that i have found happiness without having to be with someone to do so; even though i am back on the dating scene. finally. i will not be disclosing anything unless it makes for a great story-i will say one thing though. he's sweet. my company is progressing forward, in tiny steps, i am currently working on a bid for a project. fingers crossed. i made a poor choice this weekend & encountered meanness i haven't seen since grade school. i will only say this-karma makes rounds.

feeling the pomegranate seeds in my hands, alone & safe was awesome, in that 80's feris bueller kind of way. i nearly broke in my new bed, found a tender lover that states things sometimes as bluntly as me; but it's teaching me something. i doubt love, with a track record i am not proud of and exlovers that spin like small tornadoes with their brokenHearts & bitterness. bitterness i have found the ability to forgive them for. i won't hold my breath, or write that i think that the guy i am currently seeing is part of the fantastic four-has some sort mesmerizing power, he's adorable& human.

i have discovered something recently that no one is perfect, that everyday i encounter imperfections in everything. something i used make an issue of with everyone. seeing flaws are like steps the seeds of pomegranate, or leaves swirling in north wind of fall. i saw someone recently who greeted me with venom, spewing it @ me. i was taken aback, because no matter how much he may push i will always love him.

wind recently came in sweeping through the sound making whitecaps on the sound, tree's where dancing in the wind, beach was empty, people had their heads down shielding themselves. i love wind, where i grew up back east; the minute i felt the sting of north wind i'd walk along the water, if it was snowing, raining or in the eye of the hurricanes that swept through where i lived. wind makes me feel alive, reminds me that things change & that they constantly do. change and flaws are all part of everything. mistakes can either be good or bad-it has nothing to do with the glass being half full or empty just what you do with it.

PomeGranates

2005-10-09T23:35:00.000-07:00

sitting @ a woodentable last year, i sat peeling a pomegranate-silently peeling the skin, finding the seeds. although my background was buzzing, i sat in the silence of concentrating only what was Right in front of me; in the moment. pomegranate is a fall favorite of mine; thick skin, peeling away the layers to find the seeds. that are sour but worth the work.

when things got Ugly lastYear, pomegranate became a solace and my friend who brought them to me. it was calming to sit there peeling away skin, sorting seeds. one night i sat there and peeled one for 2 hours; it was the best 2 hours i had that week. it was liberating and calming. for me it is symbolic, this fantastic piece of fruit. when i see them my heartBeats quicker as i remember the layers and seeds i have found the last year.

it's kind of like desperate housewife sundays, the familiarity of characters, how twisted the plot is and how much it reminds me of cold, brooding houses and the competitive women that my mom shared our block with. up-manship, childish banter between adults(something that is still happening-and shows lack of sportsmanship.) competition, something that is thriving in Generation X. i see it at coffeeshops, whitepicket fences and sagging faces of convenience, that marriage still is for some.

i walked home from a great little grocer tonight, heard kids not listening to their parents about curfew; saw candles, warm houses where i could see love. i know i have come far the last year, but we're in a society of competition-i still feel like i am coming up short. nevertheless, i am not willing to settle because my nesting instincts are kicking in-they are.

i can feel it within the new walls of my apartment. i cravedirt, and oneday feeling small hands in mine and teaching myChild how much Fun it is to peel a pomegranate. telling my child why i am strongWoman and how i came to be that way; givingUp was not an option.

DramaFreaks

2005-10-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

middlesex is one of my favorite books, by one my favorite authors, Jeffrey Eugenides. it plainly deals with how men and women interact and we treat the different sexes, from birth to adulthood. i won't give away the plot; but say that it was an eye-opening book. the play i saw this past weekend reminded me of that, in a surreal way but from another viewpoint. i saw scab by Sheila Callaghan, about the places we sometimes get to in life and what we do when we reach them.

scab deals with the underlying issues of how deal with loss, grief and our sexuality; something middlesex does as well. both are blatant about how we interact, how women and girls are taught to wear feminine colors and men are taught to be tough-not show emotion and wear colors that are more masculine. hence, i think sexuality of being male and female is taught in society on many different levels.

this week someone became incensed with me for reasons that are still not clear; rather than trying to get my contact information from my friends or even confronting me on it, numerous people that partook in this harassment, libel and character assassination continued for 48 hours on the local server board on Craiglist. a not for profit website meant to build community not tear it apart. although, lately i am beginning to feel that the

server list has become populated by the few in society that fear face-to-face confrontation, and hence resort to 8th grade bullying through an anonymous address'. the issue became grave after someone posted my picture highlighted with what can be described as 8th grade bathroom scribble. i was also psychologically evaluated in a 4 page retort when i attempted to address what people had already written...this person who appears to lack a grave amount of social skills claimed he didn't care that harassing me on behalf of my stalker was

a problem, cause it was ONLY a misdemeanor. wow, i wish i could live my life that way; judging what i ethically do to someone by telling myself that if it's less than 3 years in jail after trial it's no big deal. a person who has supposedly ONLY met me once claimed I was an openBook and that Everyone I count on as a close friend is in fact backstabbing me. that was cleared up after a few emails to the people i DO see on a regular basis, and i was proved mistaken; although i pity my cyberstalker and am baffled by what exactly it was that i have done? i chose to bring this up in my blog

in addition, it will be the Last time i will write about this kind of nasty, childish 8th grade behavior. i urge anyone who i may have upset to contact me in person. seriously, we're adults and resorting to chiding me on a public server board serves you no purpose to display your inability to interact with those of us who can.

back to my topic, scab and middlesex deal with 2 social complexities, sexuality and society. society has to do with how we're raised, which reflects in current life situations and the choices we then make. sexuality has to with (okay-so i haven't been laid, that's Not why i am writing about this, but nice try...) how we perceive our sex and someone else's. as a woman in my 30's my need for instant gratification and head banging lust has begun to seize; yeah-i wanted to, there was a really cute med student i saw today, but alas i did not, and would not have.

in middlesex the author Eugenides focus' on social cues from both sexes and what they mean. how women act when they're turned on and how men act, how we have overt physical social cues with our bodies that reflect if we are turned on or not. i can clearly state that being turned on and being turned off are 2 different sides of the same coin. a majority of that lies in trust. an issue i have written about before. for me feeling emotionally safe with someone and actually liking them for more than 5 minutes is important. a friend of mine that i haven't seen in a year told me that i looked happy. i am, fully happy and it doesn't have any other focal point than myself.

in scab, a young woman in throws of modern 21st society is analyzing the bohemian era in france and how it created a new social model for women. the characters in the play mimic this thesis in many ways, as one discovers she is falling for her female roommate as the other female lead discovers that she can accomplish intellectual aspects of being grad student being ultra feminine and being openly sexual from advances from the opposite sex. that is essentially, what made the play so fantastic and left me speechless.

that women can balance power and politics with sexuality, much the same way someone can chose how they want to feel sexually if stuck in the middle of the 2(no more plot hints..). both deals with something i find fascinating, maybe it's because the "where's the rainbow guy" i had a fling with this summer treated his status of being promiscuous and BI as if he had won a gold medal. for me i was like wow, you've been in the closet that long. i am not saying that being BI is an issue or living in the closet if someone feels safe with all the dust; but for me it

wasn't a Grand Revelation that he had discovered this, and he is now walking around hitting on my friends, still lost on the point he is trying to make, as a good friend of mine said today. really and fatChance; i think that suits. for fear of putting you all to sleep, i will stop now. i will ask those who read this one thing; a deed if i may: if you're angry, sad or hurt by what someone has said or done, do me a favor. Tell Them-in person if you can. i am no longer in 8th grade; and neither are most of you.

EmptySpacesBetweenWords

2005-09-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

this summer was good and bad for many reasons, however after not letting anyone in, including someone that i really wanted till i met him..last week i was @ my regular open mic, sitting in my favorite place-he showed up, redFaced& high saying non-sensical things. he came in told me it was good to see me, gave me an old school friendship handshake-we've not haven't spoken for 2 months??

this morning i was greeted with a blow from a guy i have held a torch for the last decade; it was a reality check i needed. last night i saw my summerfling & his roommate, he hookedup with her, they have something in common deadend foodservice jobs& codependence-yuck. i prefer being solo, like i am right now, even if it hurts.

the email i got this morning confirms something i am learning about myself, i seek out men that can't or won't fit me into their lives. since starting my own company i have been blessed with a goodFriend and am seeing the change he wants to bring to his..what i am realizing is that i want to beWith someone that see's Me..

i will always wonder about the guy i have loved for the last decade, how can i not. the onlyONE that is responsible is me. my heart is no longer an easy target; as much as i may want it to be filled, i'd rather wait till i find someone that see's the entire me. i am also nursing a migraine-talk about a friday.

redRibbons

2005-09-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

a few months ago i wrote an entry about sex; it was one of the hardest entries i have done. this one is just as hard, i recently saw The Constant Gardener with a good friend of mine, the movie hit close to home. anyone who has ever encountered the conspiracy theory surrounding AIDS & africa. the movie deals with how pharmaceutical companies test their drugs; in other markets, in third world countries.

after meeting someone that didn't care about his sexual decisions or what they could cause, i re-took out my red AIDSribbon wearing it Everyday. how can a society act this way 25 years after we discovered this terminal illness, still label it as a gay disease--it NO longer is; rate of hetero women and men has skyrocketed. ignorance is bliss, people shy away from getting tested Every6 months, because symptoms can start anytime-Years after exposure. if you think you're invisible, reality is you'reNot.

this week is special to me for many reasons, it marks a decade since i started testing for hiv. i never miss the month.. it's same thing Everytime i have sex with someone one new. realizing after breaking it off with my summerfling who had Not been tested in Almost a year- how few people Actually care about their sexual health. when i wrote that i am on a dating sabbatical i am. it's not just the ribbon; it's how strongly i feel; seeing The Constant Gardener re-wired how i feel about sex, pharmaceutical companies& how blatantly we treat other cultures.

love is not sex, when you make love to someone it's completely different from having sex; i'd rather wait. i have seen love upclose the last year-it last hours between the sheets; people that love you hold you close& never forget you. love is simple & beautiful--powerful& earth moving... just don't forget theCondom, std test & your annual hiv screen.

occupyingSpace

2005-09-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

the last few days have been interesting, and learning experiences about people i thought i knew and people i realize i never knew @ all. i was threatened through a 3rd party; someone has beef with me and not the ability to confront me face to face. tonight when i walked to the store someone shouted out of a car, i sincerely refuse to acknowledge people that still act like they're in highSchool when they're in their 30's..get some tact.

being in my new place as been eye opening and comforting, not dreading anyone being here making me uncomfortable, i can have sex, invite friends over without having to worry about making lovers that i once respected treating my boundaries as if they don't exist. i left a crush and a friendship behind-Why, because of alcoholism.

this week has taught me a few things, like 4 year crush that finally entered my life last week with a vengeance and at the wrongTime; i am taking a sabbatical from sex and relationships, i realize that i want more than empty promises, tall tales, and waking up wondering when the excuses will begin. i Hate dating, men that forget that i have a brain, i am no longer going to Give it Up, even after the 3rd date; because i know something better is out there...

i went sprinting across my favorite marina the other night, the goldenlight of sunset was amazing. the same light i see people i love in. light was bouncing off the masts, dancing across the beach filled with people waiting for the night to begin. i used to run because i was sad, my selfesteem was in the bucket. now i run because i can; it's my sanctuary, how i clear my head and how i look @ something when i need a different angle. last nights run was uplifting and a sign that things are slowly becoming normal.

i learned some interesting things this week when it comes to grudges, to respect and love. it makes me feel lucky to know who i am. i am working on some new poems, some new business plans and grateful that i have a grandmother that walks 3 miles a day and still wants to talk to her grand daughter on the phone early on a Friday night. i am looking forward to old habits, new ideas and the quiet calm of my new beginning.

shiny& new

2005-09-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

it's official, i now have a my own business& my own place. this month last year was one of the worstMonths of my life; besides being stalked by my X's boyfriend after he and i ended. i don't miss the months of excuses for his emotional abusive behavior, nor how i'd have to account for why i hugged another male, especially one that looked better than he did, or callingUp my friends because we had fought again until the weeHours of the morning.

here i am a year later, happy-for the first time-that i can remember and it has nothing to do with a guy, i am currently on sabbatical after spending time treating someone(i drove 5miles to get him bagels on the eastcoast) that he was "working on someone else," last time i checked i was not a project @ work; enough said. being happy is grounding and freeing, i set firmer boundaries and for the firstTime in my life keep them. i also decided to take someTime off after my attempt to have an adult relationship i blogged about in august. i am learning how little i have patience for childish behavior and men that think that lying is sexy.

everything is shiny and new-i feel that i have actually altered my life in a way i wanted. i bowled a 163 bowling score with severe jet lag the day in came back; danced in the lanes and basically had a great time something i have had with many aspects of my life recently. i am looking forward to fall, to running through my favorite park in the rain-and being back in my favorite part of the city. if you see me i will be the one smiling even when it's a downpour, because life should be lived.

reunions& redWine

2005-08-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

here i am sitting in my parents un-air conditioned house after watching my sister's bestfriend get drunk & lewed @ my parents 60th birthdayParty; my sister whom i have always regarded as artificial as splenda didn't dissapoint this time either. not only does she sound so flaky that you see the pain her eyes but she is compensating in her new foundGlory with a new sporty german sports car- i see it as a desperate need to forefill something she can't find elsewhere.

it's really hot@ my parents have had the house full of guests& relatives-that i was very glad to see, my grandmother is here, going @ full speed @ nearly 90. the party was fun, i made my rounds connected with relatives & friends. i was complimented on myToast--was given hugs and had a wonderful night. i have been invited up to my grandmothers city in norway; and really hope to make it there sometime soon, really, scouts honor. the humidity is unbearable-i went for a run around the neighborhood this afternoon and was overheated within 30minutes-but got 2 sprints in, even in bakingHot weather it's good to get out of the house, see how the desperateHousewife neighborhood that surrounds my parents are doing.

for the firstTime since coming; i have some soloTime. yeah, forget i wrote that, thebattery just went on the garage door opener; and my grandmother really wanted her walk, now she's here grouchily waiting for my father to come back and remedy something that could have been fixed with one my parents leaving their garage door opener with my grandmother. gotta love family reunions& missing commonSense.

i have to add that seeing my sisters bestfriend who bullied and harassed me in highschool, not only wobble on her ugly highheeled shoes but had No social tact to speak of at my parents party act the way she did-was sad. she hasn't gotten very Far since she left highSchool but has managed to leave her parents house, spent a decade with a navydude-and fell right into something else. she mimicks my sister in many ways when it comes to her codependence and poor socialSkills. i have a drunken sister attempting to make a Toast after too many glasses of red wine stuck inMy head, it reminded me of "clueless."

i feel like i am in surreal life-the only thing missing is the cool celebs and the camera's, being home is like that. a few of my parents friends and i had some great conversations about running your own business& forming relationships and decisions. i have always said that i'd rather be broke& happy than rich and unsatisfied, after seeing my sister the barbie doll incaranate, i'll take reality anyDay-i do prefer it sunnysideUp, with a twist.

staircases

2005-08-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

this will be it till sometime in september; i write this while sending my prayers to a friend of mine that had surgery today, Poetess we LoveYou. i will be revisiting thePast in many ways in the comingDays; & felt that i had to write tonight because i stumbled by accident into someone's Lie. i think when you can't Be Honest with yourself-you then can't be honest with others???

i discovered that sometimes what i thought i wanted was something i didn't want; but Love is hard that way-and in my heart i Will always love his flawed soul, that i barely got to see last month. i saw parts of him-that he wasn't ready to look@ himself. Truth is painful-but sometimes as a goodFriend mine said it sucks to hear it.

i went running my 6miler today; with the 8miles of biking i now do-and the mountains where beautiful, the air was clean and i made my loop in recordTime. i was exhausted, but happy-i had made new time beating my oldrecord. i havebeen doing compare/contrast with my life lately-theHell i lived lastYear that i thought was somethingGreat but was Toxic and one myworst choices i haveEver made in trusting someone.

everyday i wake-i am Happy-happy by myself, i have come to realize that NO one can break me, when i was trapped in the emotionallyAbusive relationship i thought i had no choice; because he wanted me to feelTrapped & codependent. when he began cheating, lying and hitting me in my sleep-what i thought was safe turned into the BurningBed.

i have read 2books that have had a greatchange on my life this past year. WhyDoesHeDoThat? a book by a man that counsels abusers, after reading it i realized that i was not crazy, irrational or losingMy mind-although my abuser wanted me to feel as if i was; it wasControl. the other book i read was ThePathToLove by Deepak Chopra, a wonderful, tender book about Love in all it's colors. it taught me howTO look for a true partner-to love people openly- and accept that we are all human in all our faults and our growth.

we all have intent-it depends what we do with that intent, or our purpose. each step my soul blossoms-and eachDay i am surrounded by those who love me i am grateful. Love is that. simple-pure and true. enjoy the lastDays of summer, take a snapshot of those you cherish, and remind yourself howLucky youARE.

belief

2005-08-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

i have sounded bitter lately, jaded-i admit to my feelings because they where not just driven by what was going on with fling that i wrote about in my last entry but someone i trusted for a longtime let me down. life isn'tFair. it has broughtme to this topic; i also expect that i won't be writing for a few weeks.

my favorite news anchor passed away recently from something my family has had for decades, lung cancer. peter jennings was an amazing man, who showed me a part of the world i learned to see through his eyes. he did some great stories and did awesome journalism-how all journalists should attempt to want to become. in this media saturated environment where there's imbedded commercials in movies, non-profit radio stations are attacked for being too "liberal" because they attempt to cover the story from multiple angles which means you may not like what you hear.

if you compare fox to peter jennings-one is Very lopsided& left-so far that they're @ the tipping point. peter jennings was what all journalists should be fair& balanced; because he knew what his job was. period. report the story withOUT turning into a 25 secondsensational reporting that foxNews has become so famous for.

okay, done with the tangent-so, here goes with the topic, belief. i have to admit that i have been inspired by NationalPublicRadio, they have begun doing a segment called this i believe. belief-is one of those things that come over time; i was inspired by what i heard this week, about a woman close to my age that was taught by her father to always go to funerals. it was a touching piece-because paying respect for someone that has passed is a huge show of gratitude. it got me thinking-what are things i really value and why.

i respect the homeless that find quite corners in parks during the middle of the day, early morning greylight, right before sunset, grace under pressure& the perfect pour of foam. told it's nice to be seen; chased down for hugs and being able to Forgive& openly love-without expectation back. this past week i had the highest scoreEver since i began bowling-i was in the zone, turkeyed the last 3frames and decided that i wouldn't think; just focus on the flow of the ball& the lane. my score was hundred& seventySeven! i was awed as was my friends; it was a great night!!.

beingin thePresent is something i value; something i had begun learning last summer, when i attempted one last time to love my emotionally abusive boyfriend, thinking that he really wasn't ThatBad, he was. it taught me to follow my instincts, when iam uncomfortable or someone treads all over my boundaries. boundaries that has taken me a longtime to allow myself to have. it's the same if someone ambushes a sleeping homeless man in a park during the day-when it's safest for him to sleep. it's called Respect something everyone rich or poor deserves.

i think Respect is my belief, because it's something i was taught when i went down to Kentucky to work within the Appalachian mountains the first time with non-profit when i was 17 years old. when i broke over a hundred eggs for a homeless shelter in a city in my home state in high school-hours before 9AM. it was showing people that they where being seen; showing them respect. for me respect is listening, giving someone my honest opinion even if the answers may be hard to hear. out of that comes growth and out of growth comes clarity. i think that to me, seeing myself the last year has taught me how to see others. for me Respect is #1 but is a tie with Honesty; because the 2 should not be separate they should be together, as one. Honesty, balances respect because sincerity, and truth are part of that. it was hard for me, to feel tugged down by someone i was falling in love with last month, comeUP for air-to be pulled back because thePresent hurt too much. i can accept the loss-because love is greater than that-and so is fate.

i have allowed myself to feel more than i ever have before, because i no longer fear feeling-it has to do with healing from PTSD. when postTraumaticStressDisorder is @ it's most acute feelings bring on triggers, triggers can turn you from calm to asshole in no time flat. i still have some triggers but i acknowledge them when they come on, allow myself to feel them, and process. it has taught me Respect in another way; it has taught me to communicate better, and to allow myself to be still, to listen. something i was not capable of a few years ago, silence itself brought on pain.

in a week i will be in another timezone, and i will allow myself to process how big or small my steps have been in the last year. i have not given up on love or my company which i launched a few weeks ago. i have learned that sometimes, when i allow myself-space with my soul-i can hear it sing&cry--looking around and I am grateful for my newBed and for Hope i thought had disappeared after my emotionallyAbusive X tried to destroy me emotionally& psychologically last year. strength i would not have learned wakingUP blessed with friends and love. i am no longer trapped by anything than what i myself think i can't accomplish, all that means is that clarity brings change.

deMarcationLines

2005-08-04T14:55:00.000-07:00

i am still in transition, ready for the next door to open; maybe it's because i have spent so much of myLife compromising myself, when i knew i deserved better Butdidn't think i did. last month i attempted to date a guy that lived everyday in thePast, getting my attention meant acting as if his world was over, which it wasn't.

living with trauma& a neck injury that i will have for the rest of my life has taught me what i want to feel and acknowledge& what i won't. however, people that have severe trauma often am unable to acknowledge the triggers they have& can become enraged by the slightest provocation.(sometimes reactions will be prompt without anyReal causeto someone else.) symptoms of postTraumaticStressdisorder varies, and people will have different symptoms and reactions depending on what their triggers& trauma are.

when i was seeing the guy that i attempted to date, he repeatedly told me that i was expected to tolerate Hisoutbursts after we where intimate. i felt that he didn't care that i had boundaries. i was unwilling to put up with his behavior; and asked him to seek a therapist; i told him that it was not Myjob to handle his anger& projection. certain trauma requires therapy; not new age"therapies."

it didn't make his outbursts any less, blaming me when we where intimate, told me that Iwas HisTrigger. that's called convenience, considering i was gentle-listened and tolerated his inability to keepHisword and his actions. it was convenient to blame me for his Triggers that way he didn't have to acknowledge the way he was Really acting.

projection is common with PTSD; the person experiencing the trauma can project their behavior on those around them so they don't have to be responsible for the Veryemotions they feel. i saw myself in him, a few years ago i trainwrecked something that could have been good. pushed him away by picking fights, getting angry and projecting. i wakeUp clear headed most days and if i don't try to figure out why i am not; he lovedMe, saw me regardless of my pain, all i did was lashOUT.

when the guy i attempted to date& i fought he told me that HeExpected me to be friends with him-and got mad when i was Unwilling. the night we fought he became angry and pissed that i couldn't fit into hisLife the way he anticipated; childish and codependent. he brought up his exGF constantly as if this would persuade me to be friends with him--it did the opposite.(ifa guy wants a woman to be in yourLife don't surround yourSpace with thePast.) i was very clear that i couldn't be Friends with him, because he had seduced me a fewdays after the last time he said that to me.

i do miss him, but it was good for me to see how muchProgress i have made-since i was dysfunction junction lastYear. i see my pain& my happiness. if i start hurting i know ItWill go away-and that i will have to allow myself the time to process. i am sitting listening to BlueAngels do their routine for seaFair; hearing the roar of the jets. it's great to be alive, to feel& to see, even the things i NOlonger want.

RandomFridayThought

2005-07-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

the last few weeks i have attempted to date a guy that appeared to someone Trulyspecial-he couldn't see the forest for the tree's. the guy i dated reminded me of my own behavior 3years ago. when i couldn't see theLove someone had for me, and pushed it away. he feared intimacy and after wonderfulnight together that began with us strolling through blueberry fields-picked a fight. something i did for years, with my PTSD. WHY- allow someone to get close when i could just push them away. this is a common behavior of people with aspects of PTSD.

intimacy is a trigger with certain types of trauma; sex was a trigger for me for years. i would usually lashout @ the guy for no reason the nextday or that night. with my firstserious boyfriend i would end up crying in bed during sex-and he would have to remind me of where i was. it worked so well that i was able to be more and more present with my feelings in bed where i was.

theGuy i was dating did the samething-but shut me out, became hostile& mad, i won't be friends with him. an expectation he will need to recognize that everyonehas different boundaries. boundaries are healthy, it means that i will only allow certain behavior into my life; & certain people. what i recognize is that i may losepeople along the way; that's okay that just means they're not meant to be in my life. ce la vie! for the firstTime in my life i know what i want. that feels great-to know what i want. right now i'd settle for finding my new apartment& finding a healthyGuy that can Embrace the present withMe.

for a understanding of post traumatic stress disorder i have enclosed some links:
american psyachiatric association website: http://www.psych.org/public_info/ptsd.cfm
PTSD alliance foundation: http://www.ptsdalliance.org/home2.html

FluidMotion

2005-07-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

yucky topics are done for a while, thanks to all of you who read it and gave me your honest opinion. biology and sex are never easy topics and with the increasing rise of STD's and traumatized people it has become unhealthy outlet. anyway, this is a light entry, sort of like the first beetle ad from ten years ago, fluffy white clouds. maybe, it's the fact that summer has Finallycome to seattle or maybe it's that i made some hard choices i am no longer afraid to stick by.

i recently helped a close friend of mine pack, it was 48hrs of boxes, memories and emotions. so, today i am having fibroflare day, my body is hurting, my thoughts become jumbled and i am sticking to the basics. laundry-that's always exciting on a 90 degree day, like Not-but there's a breeze and i am sitting outside waiting for the dryer to finish.

change comes gradually sometimes we don't see it or we don't want to feel it; because it means that there mightBe tough or easy times ahead. people become uncomfortable by choice unless it's tomato sauce @ trader joe's than we don't fightChange. if it's in our lives, we usually fight it-i have on more than one occasion said ScrewIt because i haven't wanted to deal with what my choice was.

choice is that part of us that has been written in poetry, books and those pesky know-it-all psychology books. media has created this constant need for whatever the new gadget is, longTerm relationships we can thank eharmony for; however choices are exactly that. i prefer it when i know myself& what i want, and for the first time in a decade the line of Friends has hit the garbage can.

i saw it coming-this change, why because i feel that i have given seattle fiveYears which is better than most twoYear relationships. a good friend of mine is currently traveling the country; hence i am going to wait till he gets here in the early fall to see if i still want remain in this city. i have known him a decade and no one comes close him, in manyWays. i think embracing change is easier than fighting it, why because all it creates is more stress. seattle proved a point to me, as another good friend of mine said to me the other day; i came here seeking love and i was proved short, on many points. i wouldn't trade the world for the friendships i have made and how i have come appreciate good coffee, view of the mountains and nature.

a friend of mine has come to stay with me, circumstances in his life brought him back to me. something i have been really grateful for, why because he was one of my first boyfriends in seattle and because he has steppedUp and been there when others have found an excuse, a lie and cowardly actions. it has brought me back to my decision to my transition and to change. i can recall last summer when i didn't listen to my instinct that was screaming in my ear that it was wrong. the things i have gained and forfeited from it has taught me a great deal.

sometimes that's what we need, a real swiftkick in the rear to reallySee; i have had a huge learning curve lately in more ways than one. having PostTraumaticStressDisorder has made the last decade of my life really hard, up until this year. for the first time i am able handle the stress the illness creates, breakingThrough a large wall recently. i made a last attempt of love in this city and had my HeartBroken. a year ago i would have numbed myself with my walkman, listening to music& theradio 24/7-now i breathe into the pain, i hear the city, kids& cars. ANYthing. it's a Gift to be able to feelPain, Not fear it.

i met someone i couldsee in a peterGabriel song, he made my heart flutter, i challenged him, he challenged me..1.(i have learned something this week; to not forfeit and not giveUp on others because it's convenient. he said to me in the earlyHeat of morning that i have been where he is; hence i should have more patience. he's right. stayTuned. )

Trust is a bigDeal to me-it's earned overTime and in action, i have had men tell me they'd do anything, it usually just means that they want to get laid, fill your head with crap and not have to take ownership for their behavior or actions. this guy felt different, not because of the challenges, but because he said heLoved me and i know he meant it. yesterday felt like the sky hadFallen, my heart& soul hurt, because i have fibromyalgia the pain i felt in mychest moved to every muscle in my body, lowered my voice and brought on exhaustion i haven't felt in years.

today, because i am healthy, i substituted beet juice and some powerful antioxidants for pain medication. my kidney usually hurts when i need to detox-last night it did. i wokeUp today, it's a FullMoon-and felt clear headed, focused and Notafraid of my feelings nor what just transpired. i won't forget him or what the few weeks did in my life, or pain that wrecked me yesterday. iBreathed into all the pain and gathered enough of myself to attempt a party lastNight; i forgoed beer& stuck to juice. i want him back with everyBone in my body, the way i wanted what i Lost three years ago-my heartHurt after i saw him lastWeek.

in a few weeks-i am traveling-spending the time away from seattle, to attempt figureOut where i want to be. i am also apartment hunting, for anyone searching i will spare you the uglyDetails. anyway, today my Heartknows, knows that it's loved, my friendMade pasta so good that i was homesick by the time i finished eating it. i amLoved, have beenMissed-my favorite band is back after a tour. am looking forward to moreRain. as for Love i will accept it; be greatful for thePatience i am being taught& embrace life's moments.

staleReality

2005-07-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

be GrateFul for the Smallthings, the good things and take Moment for those in London today-who's lives have again been altered by tragedy. will be back in theSwing of the journal sometime this week, so stayed tuned, staySafe.

XVI.
"But wherefore do not you a mightier wayMake war upon this bloody tyrant, Time?And fortify yourself in your decayWith means more blessed than my barren rime?Now stand you on the top of happy hours,And many maiden gardens, yet unset, With virtuous wish would bear you living flowersMuch liker than your painted counterfeit:So should the lines of life that life repair, Which this, Time's pencil, or my pupil pen, Neither in inward worth nor outward fair, Can make you live yourself in eyes of men. To give away yourself keeps yourself still;And you must live, drawn by your own sweet skill."
William Shakespeare from the Sonnets.

BETweenRespect& Sex

2005-06-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

as a Rape survivor-my own sexuality has been greatly altered; i no longer have the flashbacks but i still have a tough time allowing anyone in; either before or after sex. trust is one of the first things one loses with trauma and rape. in college i was promiscuous, each time i went and got tested for SexuallyTransmittedDiseases and hiv i would be grateful that i hadn't gotten herpes or forgotten to use a condom. what i have now come to understand myself and the rapid cycling of partners i had was that i was shellshocked by my PostTraumaticStressDisorder& reached for anything that would patch my poor selfesteem temporarily.

sex became an outlet, i realized that i was a good flirt, was complimented on my skills in bed, but would wakeup feeling just as Dirty as i did after my rape. i had a Onerule however, i would not have sex with more than one man @ a time. my behavior was just as highRisk; my thoughtful, & straightforward OB/gyn informed me of after one of my numerous std tests. i used sex as bandAid, an emotional and physical one. Rape Survivors as studies have shown will use any medium including pot, manufactured drugs& alcohol to numb themselves. sex can also be used in place of drugs, and usually is.

talking aboutsexuality is still fauxpas, the current rate of hiv in heteroCouples (one in four now have STD; 27% of 27-34 year olds have HIV, 35% of 35-44 years old DO!!) yet, No One seems to understand the fundamentals of safeSex. (i am genX and am shocked at the lack of knowledge my generation has) i learned about the risks of Not using a condom from a OneNight stand who gave me chlamydia(8years ago.) coming down to lust and the guy i had sex with trusting a woman that(cheated) making him a carrier. most men don't understand basic std facts. men are carriers of chlamydia(most men show No signs& doctors call this asymptomatic.) as it's considered a parasite; chlamydia needs a host & a carrier in order to fruit (bad wordage.)

after comingdown with a high fever and irritation in my abdomen, i went to the doctor who promptly sent me to OB/gyn. the infection i had was soo grave that i spent nearly a month in bed; and had thoughts of dropping out of school. i was barred from carrying a heavy bag and ordered to bedRest. one of the few time i managed to get fresh air, my friends on campus would promptly kick my Buttback to bed; since then i test religiously. although chlamydia is Cure-Able there's medication one can take, it's still ONE of the Highest tested std's out there, besides herpes, that for the record is Not. after this close call with std's and people Not worthy of My trust my sexual behavior changed. the partner i met after my OneNight stand became longTerm and he and i saw each other and talked for almost a year.

promiscuity has become laze-a-faire again; if the interpretation of the burningMan camps i have seen in seattle is any indication. (i have been to a few parties& was not impressed with druguse-Lack of respect& promiscuity.) this touches on the new hip thing to be besides bisexuality is of course polyamorous lifestyle that has become Trendy; having more than one partner@ the sametime. it also increases the risks of sexuallyTransmittedDiseases. i know several safeSex polyCouples, i am not saying sex is completely Safe but they take precautions& Respect each other. my friends who have been married& poly are different from the group i have met in the BurningMan camps here in seattle that treat sex like Fastfood. it didn't make Poly look safe or fun-it was Promiscuity labeled as Poly-hence Not the sameThing. promiscuity is prevalent with partners that don't RespectEach or Themselves; the complete disregard to their own actions, or consequences to what they where doing.

sex& respect go hand in hand, at this gatherings it was Not what i observed. i may have had several partners, i may have taken risks i should Not have for the sake of my SelfEsteem. after constantly hearing about a Polyrelationship that my fling swore up/Down he wouldn't hookUp with i decided that His risky behavior was Not something i wanted to be part of; i called off friendship as i had become the backBurner girl(i was ExpectedTo want him.) i had many partners in college, however i spent 17Months Not having sex & Not dating. i decided that i wanted to learn about myself outside of my trauma-and bouncing from partner to partner. it doesn't take the loneliness of away-or make Onewhole. i know it's summer, but i am No longer willing to allow someone in-unless they intend to be there for the LongHaul (my Flingdays over!) i am not concerned about how many men i have been with, i am Clean. right Now, sitting outside of my apartment waiting for the dryer to finish i am seriously debating abstaining.

some good resources:
http://www.rainn.org - a rape& incest hotline open 24/7
http://www.avert.org - hiv/aids non-profit statistics website.
http://www.webmd.com -has an entire section dedicated to sexual health/relationship issues.
http://www.puckerup.com- is by one of my favorite sex educators/authors.
http://www.burningman.com - an annual festival held in the nevada desert that began in california.
http://www.babeland.com - Babes in Toyland, a great store for whatelse, condoms, toys and sex shops; a national chain and well worth checking out.
http://www.www.polyamorysociety.org -a non-profit society about the function of being Poly& healthy.

dinnerForks& ForGIVEness

2005-06-08T00:15:00.000-07:00

i am republishing yesterdays post after much thought. this is extended by a page so braceYourself-it won't goDown easy.

last year this month, i thought i was inLove-that i had found the wunderkind and was mentally preparing myself for what i thought was bliss. PlanetAsshole and i had decided after much debate to move in with each other, i recognized my mistake oneDay he came home from work, soon after moving in with him& said iwas OneOfThose women; i made him dinner after he expressed a hardDay @work. he would say belittling, insulting things often when i had made a gesture of kindness. PlanetAsshole was an emotional abuser, he was conniving, manipulative and was a master at triggering my PostTraumaticStressDisorder, my fault was trusting him, and attempting to loveHim. emotionalAbusers are people you can NeverBe on the rightside of, no matter how hard you may want it, they need control more.

i have recently experienced another bout of libel slander, it doesn't surprise me on one of the local Serverlists, here in seattle. PlanetAsshole has a connection within the prosecutors office(one of HISfriendsworks within one of the divisions here in the city) which made his threatening me with a libelOrder that has since been used to stalk me with; a hook, Line&sinker. it dawned on me recently that he knew who we went in front of(judges and commissioners-this connection and what hisFriend may have done is illegal) he is also a oscarWorthy liar and actor; i also have come to believe that he bribed his coworkers to write an entire page of something was witnessed for a mere 20seconds.

after reading the book, WhyDoes HeDo That, i recognize that PlanetAsshole setMeup that day, he wanted me to getAngry, hewanted me to lose my cool, it fit Into what he is Currently and have been doing for the past year, perfectly. if the Libelslander and what was posted recently was any indication. i realized too late, but am grateful that he also functions with an alias, Larry, he uses this alias when he spendsTime with his bestfriend a man that would call PlanetAsshole up to 8times in oneDay. at any hour, this fine angryGay man, also threatened me, along with PlanetAsshole on his behalf. his alias is disturbing, as i recognized last year, he also functions by what he thinks is Unamerican name when he travels, these are symptoms of a dangerous mentalIllness, one that his coworkers i believe are unaware of.

he oftenWould tell me that hewas Afraid of people listening to Hisconversations, and admitted after i found a list of names of nearly 20 people, that he uses codeNames, something i stopped using in Gradeschool. it's a redFlag because it shows paranoia, along with his charismatic behavior has now developed from sociopath, something he found funny to psychopath, who tend to become more violent and aggressive. the stalking, has increased since his birthday in april, heHas a fascination of parading around his next victim, she is Ofcourse the ONEthat has Rescued Larry from me.

he enacted the same behavior after his former fianceFinally had the courage to leaveHim, i was rescuer, i had to carry Hisemotional baggage, it was Expected. Larry is incapable of handling emotions himself, his tendency and jokes about violence in our relationship is now something i view as threatening Behavior. this is what has sparked my AbsoluteNeed to leave this destructive, paranoid man that i attempt toLove behindMe and be here Now. without excuses or fallingBack into what iView as theDarkSide, starWars joke intended.

so, i have come to this point in my life, i have begun to ForgiveMyself, for finding the identical chaos as what i grewUP with in my Family. i have come to that famous fork in the road& it's time to shakeTHEPast, something i have been doing for nearly a year, eachDay it becomes easier-sunShines& summerVolleyball is back at my favorite beach, and burningMan parties are everyWhere. there's even a Crush, or maybe lust? i went back to the SwedishCenter here in seattle today and was embraced by a room full of grayhair and smiles; very symbolic(i met PlanetAsshole at the center) &empowering. i had to holdBack my tears, because like some many things PlanetAsshole has attempted to destroy lately, this was intact.

having postTraumaticstressDisorder can do manythings to your head, depending on how severe your trauma is, your triggers varies and as you attempt to conquer them, for me it's voicand touch-sometimes smell. PTSD, is multi-system disorder, someone that has it can come off relaxed oneMinute and terrified and or emotional the next; hence as someone that has been misdiagnosed as having manic-depression, and other disorders that mirror a badcase of MalPractice i can tellyou that a person with PTSD functions within the variants within, symptoms that may look like bipolar but are not. i was diagnosed with PTSD in the fall of 1997, by a fab therapist backEast. i owe her for manythings including reachingOut a hand and telling me the nightmares would pass.

having the diagnosis of PTSD for nearly a decade has taught me many things that a majority of people doesn't understand or know the link between PTSD and Fibromyalgia, and other illnesses. not until the fall of 2001 did anyone have anyIdea what my mentalIllness actually was, or they had very little understanding of it. the best way i can describe what it was like when i was not in therapy is that fall. i flew into NewYorkCity in the height of the 80's, we stayed in midtown manhattan, my dad rented a cadillac that we drove to what would be our first house out of 5 in the next decade. seeing the TwinTowers was something my parents took us to almost immediately, it was like pilgrimage, and one thatI had a chance to do in the mid1990's, i remember the longLines at the entrance and multiple languages that drifted through the air, that and powersuit, highHeels and those classy shoulderPads.

in the fall of 2001, i had moved from an island in pugetsound to a house that overlooked the ferries and the city; i had smashingly goodView of city and no longer was what they call a ferryslave. because PTSD centers around trauma intense often the kind of stuff that makes us want to giveUp when the Towers fell; i hit an emotional rockBottom. i would go to an atm, which would tell me to overdraw, i did as the everything had the appearance of another landattack, the question was that fall where?

triggers come in soo many forms it's hard to describe what would set me off, when the airplanes began to fly, that was a trigger. a goodFriend of mine stood on LongIsland and watched the fighters as they attempted to intersect but was too late. i remember how much he and talked that fall, how many phonecalls we shared with each other, how our friendship became sealed. another goodfriend of mine from college, now in IT support had a friend in his department mother who stood in the subway station a stop away, another friend of his mother called in sick and never went to work.

watching the rainbow colored, so-called warning system made my PTSD worse, it also stressed out my friends that fall and the proceeding spring. it was like watching sesame street but this ugly adult version with colors and no treats when you got something right. something would be called out, and a fewhours or days later they'd apologize, and this would lead to another investigation. well, as someone that has suffered with PTSD-it made me ill, a year later that same fall nearly the same month i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, something that is also linked to another ailment i am no longer plagued by.

i have spent most of life not feeling safe, which has lead me to have nightmares, and to seek chaos, because it's all i know it's something i'd like to change. the symptoms i have that are PTSD related are no longer severe, because for the first time in my life, i feel safe, safe with myself, even on what i call my uglyDays. it's when i can't see the forest for the trees; or i have a spilled milkDay, something that most women experience around their period, you cry over the lamest stuff. my favorite embarrassing moment from this is when i cry over sappy soap opera lines or better yet something really tacky(insert savant experience here.)

back to the fork, i am looking @ dinnertable, and i have been eating with the salad fork, it's small and hard to hold, let's call the saladFork-PlanetAsshole; and i no longer like the dressing or the tiny tomatoes. i want to eat with a dinnerFork, and a desert spoon, so i can stir my coffee when i eat my cheesecake. i will call the dinnerFork, NOW and the saladFork PlanetAsshole, the hardest, most difficult part of PTSD is not allowing the saladFork room on my Plate, anyone with manners knows you don't mix forks at dinner, it's poortaste, and highly insulting. anyway, so i want to be in the NOW. today for example i was, the entire time i was at the Swedish Center, even for most of the afternoon.

it's experiencing everything emotionally without the need to flee it in my head, like forgiving myself for my mistakes, or a few weeks back when i sat in a bar and a Wanderlust i was with complimented me on staying on topic& not picking up the wrongFork in the conversation. so, that's my new challenge, you see-i want to let Love in and it does truly terrify me; for the First time inMy life because i know what it's like to trust my intuition, and accept that I Do deserve it.

i know that Love Isn't Chaos, nor lies but sweet, tender and usually in my life comes out of Leftfield, so i never see the ball. my other favorite analogy is comparing it to volleyball, a small game with a few players and the ballgoes Deep, meaning close to backLine, so you don't think it's actually In when it is. watch anyGame of volleyball pro or otherwise, shrugs and swears usually follow in sac-session, when the opposing team gets close to back line and get a point. i don't know exactly what the next few weeks will bring& i haven't hatched all my eggs in one basket, but i know i am ready& i know i deserve everything it brings.

tree'sShadows

2005-05-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

i am posting this post after a badnight of insomnia...

the last year has brought on many changes in my life; it has given me the chance to want to transform where i came from and where i am going. for the first time since what i have come to call recently, PlanetAsshole; i recommend not purchasing property there as it can deteriorate and erode quickly. i went with friend to a park-i once spent hours in-and stood in front of a tree, that has duplicated itself-and has branches reaching out in many different directions. seeing this tree and seeing myself has become a like opening another aspect of who i want to be. to me comfort&chaos always came in pairs.

imagine walking through a blizzard into a quiet garden followed by a tornado following usually within a few hours or days dependingon how angry my father was. the effect of a constant shifting ground has become an association for me-i see one and assume the other will follow. it has made me a great saboteur of relationships-if a guy saw me not thebadges of courage i was wearing i fled. when a goodfriend of mine told me that he didn't care&he stayed it began to slowly create a shift.

when i was young and we lived in norway i was, living on a few acres outside of oslo-in a wickedly cool house. my dad was making goodmoney so we had heated floors, triple pained windows and most of family helped build it. my sister and i put on the first coat of paint..it was a great house surrounded by a trees and a forest that was literally in our backyard. berry picking meant we walked maybe 20 minutes for patches of blueberries& raspberries.

tree's have always been a great part of my life, my grandfather had chestnut tree's in front of his house in sweden, to this day it's one of my favorite tree's seeing how the flowers grow into this soft round shells that in fall bringing beautiful brownnuts. i am now trying to find my ownTree. i don't want to run because someone see'sMe-not the past i have brought into other relationshipswith me. the guy i was seeing is special because he was sincere, honestly and sweetly& because he didn't flee when heard my story.

back to my original idea-growth is hard-because it requires change-and bracing fear, for me it's facing my past&seeing an oldtree that was once tied to lies i inhaled like an astronaut on an oxygen tank. stability without chaos is a new thing for me; embracing someone that see's theEntire me is another, not seeing the scars of my past, badges of strength i was forced to earn; because no one protected me from the storms that came down my house when my father was on a rampage. i don't want to lose someone because i assimilate stability&chaos and don't expect one without the other. unfortunately emotional abusers inflict& create thisconstant moving ground-it's easier to have control.

i look@ this new journey like another tree, maybe not one that has had too much fertilizer like the one in park, but a tree that has one solid, dependable trunk that i can feel comfortable leaning against. i'd rather embrace stability hoping that i won't fear this woman i want to become. it means leaving all these uglyparts i have always thought i have to carry with me. for me walking in that park this past weekend was exhilarating not because of the memories thought i would haveto carry but for the memories my springswanderlust created with me.

there where smallsteps, steps that i can no longer fear. so, this spring i embrace this newfound stability the way we once explored other continents without fear of what would be there, rather what we would find. it's like my favorite tree that i had in my backyard in norway, an aged peartree that had sagged against a smallrock face we had on the property, even with moss&deteriorating branches the tree kept producing these small uneatable pears, everysingle summer we lived in that house.

the tree was a fighter and it's smooth old back was easy toclimb. the pear tree is a good metaphor for change-stability& the ability to create and giveRebirth. it will always be my favorite tree-that and the wheatfields that i skied over in the winter-when the wholeworld was glistening in pure white and everything was quiet and calm.

muddyStairs

2005-05-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

this past weekend i went running, i spent an entire hour getting there by bus-spent time with an old neighbor of mine and said hello to a few friends. i left with my bankcard, buspass& walkman and cellphone; i had on 4pockets divided between my pants and my overdressed cardigan. i thought i saw rainclouds by the time i had started my workout i realized i was completely and utterly overdresssed.(we got the rain i was dressed for yesterday-today, duh!) i jogged down to the end of the pier took thecorner and lost everything but my keys and cellphone my bankcard and buspass had fallen out when i went sprinting

i pickedup my phone& began retracing my steps. starting with calling my friend, asking anyone coming from the direction-i had just sprinted. a kind woman with a stroller told me she saw something but didn't stop. i backtracked& there was my bankcard& buspass. it's Hope. minutes later i also had my cellphone popout of my pocket, luckily i met a kind woman that told me she lost her weddingring in 6feet of sand& needed a metal detector to find it. we backtracked and there it was-Hope. my cellphone was@ the bottom of the stairs.

Hope is like that, it's when there's nothing else is. When I ran my oldloop something, i began doing a fewyears back with a brokenheart; my 1st blog is dedicated to my mistake. running down the marina, sprinting stairs was how i coped when i felt like the world was crashingdown. to me chasing lookout points and beating myown time has been how i cope when i want to lashout in anger. wheni went running yesterday, i wasn't running because i was upset or angry iwas chasing oldghosts.

i stood after retrieving everything i thought i had lost after doing my first staircase 3times; some might call this dedication, or stupidity or both. i walk along a dirttrail rarely used and found this spot, where i'd cry when looking@ the olympic mountains. i wasn't upset; i stood watching clouds covering the passes like a vail, lookingout over the park. i was relieved. i still love how mudclings to my runningshoes, how i run a staircase that was most likely built '50years ago.

i thought i hadlost this essential part of my soul, this muddystaircase, running along masts with 60year old women that still goto tanningbeds; men that chase each other around with 25footers& in another life raced the america'scup. i was chasing the oldghosts of me the pieces i thought i had lost. eachstep i took was Hope. i remember when i found it sometime last fall-when everything felt like it had ripped through my soul like an avalanche.

i may have lost my cellphone, my bankcard& buspass-but i had hope that it was still lying on the square cementblock i had just sprintedpast. i was greeted by my oldself& remained intact. i reached the end of my run and there was thebus-waiting. i saw a dragon on an arm; a small gift of that precious thing that can't be bought. Hope. it sits in my backpocket-it has given me my laughter& joy back. i smile& i take one small step forward-that's what Hope is EveryDay. it is seeing the peaks of the mountains even when clouds are out. it's not givingUp-it's in the embrace of hugs& smiles& eyes that sparkle when you lookinto them in unexpected places.

fingerPointing

2005-04-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Everyone makes mistakes—but that doesn't mean everyone should shoulder the blame, does it? Here, readers will learn the ancient art of evading, avoiding, or just plain dodging responsibility for any and all screwups that may occur (through no fault of their own, of course). Included are rules for passing the Big Ball of Blame, and time-tested techniques for ducking accountability, such as hiding, denying, changing the subject, and feigning illness. With this easy-to-follow guide, shirkers of every age will be able to pass the blame like a master politician in no time! from the Big Ball of Blame.

i open this entry with a quote i found recently; i was attempting to write this entry and came across it on the web. i think it portrays how we use blame as a self-serving mechanism; usually so we don't have take responsibility. it was something we passed off to each other, why take ownership when someone else can do it for you. blame is an uglyterm, politicians pass the ball from one party to the other when it's actually the originals parties fault; something i learned from a prolific & fab professor in college. companies blame sales on anything, gas prices, customers et al; of course the only way people can purchase is to have a job. something this economy has been lacking. rather than the government addressing the issue, that there are only service and manufacturing jobs, now that mcdonald's is a factory. since, when??

it also reminds of recent meeting where i was asked a charged question; that had no bearing on me because the second person in the interview after meeting me changed her mind. my composure remained stoic, myresponse diplomatic; i recognized the abrasiveness in her voice and her loaded question as a way to railroad me as a candidate. it was intentional, it was cruel and i left the interview heartless. why? because she was projecting anger-her anger onto me-something i recognized as soon as i left. it was blame, maybe she had a fight with someone on the way to meeting, maybe she hadn't been feeling god or love?? i have no idea?? i became a brunt for her blame.

projection is the psychobabble used to explain blame. blame can take many shapes-in my family it made me the blacksheep-i was made to carry the blame for my parents and sister. convenience of blame means that the party responsible doesn't have take emotional ownership of their own behavior. i have begun seeing my life through a different scope; that i have been carrying my x's inability to trust; something he made sure was my issue. he's one of the most talented actors and liars i havemet.

when he would forget to take his cellphone out of his car, or the call wouldbe dropped-itwas my fault. his friend i will call iago covered for him when he was seeing someone behind my back. during the two years i spent sucked into these lies my x attempted to make me accountable for. there's this saying that if someone else accuses you of cheating they're usually the once doing it. well,he began accusing me of cheating after 20 different women's names surfaced. i didn't have to look long-i found the names looking for stamps. he left his impulsiveness on his cell phone &in his knickknack drawer.

he made sure that this was my problem-he was an emotional, manipulative abuser. he began convincing me that his behavior was my fault=blame. i was so-called imagining the papertrail he had left behind. i have come to recognize this blame shifting; it was the same shifting that took place in my family. a pattern like the inside of jigsaw puzzle, each piece fit, and his behavior began to change, much the way a cheaters behavior changes as they become ingrained in keeping up appearances.

for anyone that has watched their lover begin deceiving and lying to them, as the lies began to build his behavior became more and more erratic; his anger more rapid. his blame adamant, he was not responsible!! if i went dancing once aweek i was accused of cheating with my friends; guys i view as brothers;i'd come to back to the apartment glowing from hugs to accusations. he'd pick fights-do anything to wipeaway my smile; he was insidiously jealous-jealousy he blamed me for. i'd end up in tears, he would treatme like crap, not being physical and pushingme away, the sameway he would pullme back in when it was convenient.

blame is convenient, it means the spotlight is off the person that is responsible; emotional abusers are actors worthy of oscars. their skills soo tuned that you start thinking you are theone responsible for what they do. i have come realize the last few weeks, i attempted to date but realize that my faith is gone. i think i sabotaged my dates on purpose-it was jumping into a pool and realizing that it was freezing; and not swimming fast enough to the ladder. i only have myself to blame; i wasn't ready. as for hunting for work, hopefully the futurewill be brighter??

i also realize that i am not ready for love-i am also not interested in looking anymore (internetdating is fratbar with a steepcover.)a goodfriend of mine and i spoke this past week&she told me she was running out of patience-with love. i told her i'd rather be found-there's something about being found. there's also somethingin finding yourself. alive beneath what others have expected youto carry.

i now know i am only responsible for me; i am not responsible for my x's fiance marrying someone else,& for the anger he spent twoyears projecting onto me. i am not responsible for my parents dysfunction i thought was normal, nor my sisters inability to accept that our childhood was not a fairytale.

she& i have not spoken for fiveyears; i have attempted to contact her, i recognize her need to demonize the victim that has become a survivor. the need of my x-who i was once thought was the love of my life attempt to destroy me now=blame. i will no longer carry their ball. i am not planningon becoming a politician-i don't want to teach destruction, i'd rather teach hope. hope that onlycomes from not carrying someone else's ball of blame.

UnderTOES

2005-04-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

when i was young, thunderstorms would jar my sister and i into our parents bed. our house would rock with the storm, as it swung across swamps that surrounded our house. lightning struck tree’s, parking lots and my classmates pools, it dragged sand onto roads and houses and turned the longisland sound into a raging sea. i was introduced to the dangers of the under-toe, in the heat of summer. i had a goodfriend that worked as a lifeguard-and worked the smallcove i went swimming in. waves where hitting the beach, the wind was gusting and i decided to go swimming. longisland sound was never a hot place to swim but that summer the water felt warm. i could see lightning streaking across the sky along longisland-as the storm gained momentum.

i swam out-waves hitting my face and seaweed had been uprooted and didn’t notice something i should have. i made it out to the buoy and began swimming back to shore-i realized pretty quickly that i was being pulled out rather than in, i had been caught in an under-toe. i could see land but couldn’t swim towards it; i took swimming lessons, more as a refresher course by my parents than need. i went into a deadmans float-to save strength and started thinking how i could get back into shore. the wind was gusting and the waves where hitting the beach i had gone in from, and no sight of anyone on land; i didn’t know if i should scream because i didn’t think anyone saw me.

as i was being pulled out, i remember what a good friend had told me if i was caught in an under toe. swim sideways, and conserve strength. i took deep breaths and began catching the white caps of the waves. each time the waves came i swam sideways, and took small brisk strokes in between. when i reached the beach, the sun was down, the wind had brought the lightning i saw when i was in the water. i remember feeling exhausted that i had made it in, feeling wet sand beneath my feet, my legs shaky, i was soo relieved i cried in the car, my body shaking in shock and relief.

there are many things that can become an undertoe, for me the last 2 years was being manipulated back into a toxic relationship with a man that has never taken ownership for his action; the only place i know he is capable is at an office. last fall, when i was just starting to get my footing back-i was reminded by how he sought&destroyed my selfesteem it was how he had control. abuse takes many shapes, and most people think that abuse is physical, 90% of abuse is emotional; and most emotional abusers behave like victims. my x threatened, taunted and harassed me after he told me he was throwing me out.

why, you ask? well, i caught him in several lies, and he expected my forgiveness the way most of america orders fastfood. i was clear with him that we would need to rebuild, rebuilding and solving problems is not something emotional abusers do. they must project their issues onto other to deflect from what they are doing which usually entails in my case making me feel isolated, alone and crazy. i say crazy because my x wanted me to believe this-it was his way of tipping the boat, and making me think that i would drown. drown in my own self esteem that he had treated like a moshpit. i have been threatened by a man who is inlove with him, i was expected to feel crazy, how else could he keep up his lies and appearances. his new wartactic is now to libel me. that doesn’t include harassment by his friends and people that has bought his informercial. he once jokingly told me he thought he was a psychopath-and proceeded to laugh. the only thing i could do was to play along.

rebuilding the last 6months has been slow, feeling stable, and not wondering if the ground will begin to shift beneath has been like riding a bike for the first time. i had spent 2years with a man that mirrored my father down to the whiskey on his fridge. it began with a sweet, tender lover i will refer to as B. i owe many things to B; his ability to gauge my mood-giving the pieces to communicate, something i feared-see what’s tucked beneath. B and i spent hours in bed, and out of bed. after the lushness of red cheeks we would shower and walk a few blocks and sit sidebyside barely speaking to each other. silence became intimate the way the sex was.

B would hold me-the day a judge gave my current stalker and x permission to continue to stalk and harass. he knew something was wrong. he came back to find me shaking and my eyes bloodshot; he didn’t waiver. he could see the wrath my x had left on my body, the way i tiptoed around him when i didn’t know what iwas observing was anger or happiness. how my post traumatic stress was a badge on my sleeve. i will be eternally grateful for those few weeks in heaven in that small, dusty apartment we shared with each other. he was different, i could sit and look into his eyes and i knew he saw the whole me. there’s people like B; Gifts, unexpected. i lovehim. i always will. he was the one that saw the complete me and my strength i was completely unaware of. i began to feel sexy, something that had been hibernation. i remember the a sunday westayed tucked beneath the sheets; i had forgotten this essential part of me. it was the beginning-of getting out of the undertoe that my x nearly drowned me in.

somedays i still see the whitecaps on longisland sound and recall how my body-felt exhausted when i reached land. how feeling land beneath my feet was like being in B’s arms-lightning dancing around me; feeling safe from the storm i had swum right into. i also understand the libel campaign my x is so geared into. i may have been crazy for going back/forth to him-but i recognize the acid bath my soul was taking. it’s like objects we see in the rearview mirror, when gaining distance to the 18wheeler doesn’t seem scary.

i view myself as a sprouted plant that has found sunlight-and a corner of the yard where the wind doesn’t get to it. eachday the sun is out even when it’s raining. eachday i wake-feeling safe, is a gift. seeing the undertoe is half the battle& not being tempted to swim back into the storm will be something i will be fighting, because it’s all i know-and it’s something iwant to change each day i feel the sun.

INTernational NIght

2005-04-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

singledom is a blessing& curse-for me being singular is like slipping into a old pair of jeans, they fit no matter how long you have had them. i have a pair nearly a decade ago old, life& love has created a massive whole on my butt. i don’t wear them out-i have taken needle trying to fix it but the fabric has gotten too weak; a few years back patched them with red string, it didn’t last a day. but it was a worthy attempt..these jeans, have soo many stories, attempts@ love, latenight bar hopping, college, springflings that came right before finals, neatly right before 90degree humidity, and smog. they where the pair i would throw on when everything was dirty, when i was on a date i didn’t think would go anywhere.

in college, in my first apartment i didn’t have a telly and began asking guys over to tea, because neighborhood bars where page6 in the villagevoice. i also didn’t have much furniture, so we usually ended up sitting on my throw pillows on the floor talking(not always. the idea of talking without pesky bartenders, nosy friends and the obscure date saboteur was minimized.) a few years back when a boy ilusted after had our first serious fun it was throwpillows. irony is weird like that. he had them all over his living room, with a few cool things i didn’t have in my 500square feet of bliss.

so, lastnight i did the eastcoast singlething and went out, in seattle singlewomen are misperceived all the time, it’s the redpart of town in the cities free papers and the predatory women& saboteurs, even in candlelit restaurants. anyway, so i comeback to my place, change into something somewhat sexy and head out the door before i lose motivation, i nearly did. last night i started with a hefty dose of ouzo and ended with the same, after a few martini’s inbetween; i had some descent lamb skewers but have eaten better greek. growingup with greek diners 5minutes from my house as a kid; and coffee that could take skin off your back. back to the original idea. i sat reading, quietly in corner of the bar, hardly paying attention.

i clear my tab, and headedout the door for my next destination, a german ale house that makes fantastic drinks, the staff rules and where i met the soon to be med student. i walked in and was greeted, started reading my political influenced, was good journalism magazine. i wasn’t there for anyone but me, i ordered my first of 3martini’s last night, kicked back and started to people watch, something that is actually more fun than going out on designated dates, friends out. i met comrade in arms, a proalcoholic that had attended whiteschools all his life, and claimed to be rejecting his inheritance-i feel oprah comingon-enough. said.

he and i began discussing people around us, who was with who, which couple was bored, fighting, no longer in love, et al. the guys scoping, the guys taken. he and i both agreed that if we had been tied down by friends and or dates we wouldn’t be able to sit and watch the soapboxes. last night there was remnants of relationships strewn like confetti all over the bar. back tobeing singular& the proalcoholic, he was honest, evenwith his over consumption. i came there with no other intent but to be singular, catch a few drinks, people watch and just have fun.

i was clear with the proalcoholic that i was not interested in sex, as a drunkguy said to me the night before, who wanted to have sex with me from the heart all night of course; he makes for a fantastic story. anyway, i call this the shrug-i practice it often. i have learned not to falter, the minute a scoper, or beergoggled idiot approaches me after 5beers, saying No is automatic. i began counting beer consumption by men that scoped in bars when i was college, from the first glance to when they would approach. slurred speech, posture or glazed eyes are never a good sign, having a stoned guy convince you he is sober is also not very sexy.

so, i count what they consume-if they don’t hear my clear rejection the first time i refer to what i have seen them consume, it has to be part of the shrug or i can’t shake them. i refer to how much they have drunk-if i am not interested will ask if they are driving, if they say they’re not, i let it slide if they tell me otherwise i have approached bouncers, and bartenders and have cabs called. it’s still a clear shrug, i also don’t have to worry who he will takedown on the way home in his car.

back to the shrug, rejection hurts, in any setting. i am speaking from experience here, it’s not easy from either side of the equation. i have had sex i didn’t want to sit frontrow for, and going out singular also means going home the same way. if i go out to scope and to score i usually am more open, however, since i consider myself off the radar in regards to dating i am in shrug mode. i am not interested in sugarcoated pickup lines and the ideas of something. i am enjoying sitting with my martini in a corner, watching others lives. when i am ready to score i will grab, my comefukmeboots, a short skirt, a bright smile, carrying amartini, i will play to score...till then i will shrug.

WHat's TUcked BENeath

2005-03-29T16:00:00.000-08:00

anger can do many things-in my life it has took form in my father’s abusive behavior, something i tucked beneath the surface. as a kid i was told to say everything was fine, without a blink, even when my eyes where bloodshot and i had circles beneath my eyes. things where far from fine, but the consequences of the domestic violence i grewup with has had longterm effects on my life. it has taken shape in relationships in manyways the consequence of growingup in a destructive home has caused me relationships and men.

i was running in the neighborhood i realized how bitter i am, i couldn’t figure out why? bitter and comingup to my favorite time of the month. noamount of chocolate seems to help, my jaw is clenched even as i am watching a New desperatehousewifes on tv. i did some of the hardest sprints since i left my old neighborhood a nearly a yearago. the sun was setting, city was beautiful, i even saw a handsome guy who said hello. there were all these beautiful people running along the water. i was ecstatic to have my favorite mp3 in my cdplayer i found a set of stairs. yet. my jaw was clenched.

i have spent soo much of my life telling my survivors story, the list of bad boyfriends, pattern of behavior that only comes from growingup in a house that would rock more than the local ferry in wind on bad days. i have even learned how to sabotage dates, turn men off that i really like, for fear, simple fear. fear that i recently discovered is also harbored in what i grewup with. there was a guy i met out west that i really adored, i was infatuated& i sabotaged it the minute i had him alone. a friend of mine recently told me i could have anyone, he followed it up with a snide remark i won’t repeat here. i sat there dumbfounded, as for the past 2weeks i have spent most of my time with the tv, and sappy movies.

it’s been a long time since i have shared a bed with someone i genuinely care about, made breakfast for someone. it’s weird how in the small moments you miss quirks, the way someone looks at you or saying hello on the phone. i miss the idea of that, the idea of what being with someone feels like. back to what i mentioned in the first paragraph, i don’t know what it’s like to Live. Right now. love to me has become something i am no longer looking for, no longer want. see previous post.

anger has always been part of my life and has taken manyshapes; one of the few shapes i have allowed to take in my life, due to my fibromyalgia i have been forced to look at what causes my stressors. this past weekend-it was due to a guy i met right after i wrote my last blog, i have always sworn off people that work within the medical field, now i know why. i’ll just say that there lives are more like that of pilots and my favorite vice, bartenders/barista’s. so, maybe i may have come onto to strong and maybe he talks through both sides of his mouth. at this point, the idea of him is long gone, it left this afternoon when i did one of my sprints.

i prefer to run/walk off my anger, it helps me clearup how i feel about my stress, arguments and sometimes it gives me the space i need to get a clear perspective on my feelings. having fibromyalgia has forced me to address stressors in my life and how much i am willing to take. i have spent nearly 2decades xtraining, it was something i started doing by accident, after a fight i had with my parents in high school. i haven’t stopped, when i first began i did about 2 miles, the circumference of my neighborhood, now i prefer stairs and nothing shorter than 6 miles. it has made me a fit and i have been able to manage my stress better.

i also have started looking at what triggers my anger, and feel more comfortable with that part of me. after leaving a destructive and hostile x last fall, i have learned that i have the right to my anger. right to express it in a healthy way. a lover told me last fall that i didn’t know how to communicate, in my former relationship communication came with repercussions that where severe and longlasting. now, when my jaw clenches and my breathing becomes shallow i start digging inside my own head to try to find what is causing me to feel hostile. what i have learned is to let go of the past with grace, i can only learn from it, and move forward towards the rising sun, and take a deep breath and take it all in. being in theMoment-even with my anger.

DEeds:GOOD:Do

2005-03-25T11:52:00.000-08:00

ever since i can remember, my sister and i went easter egg hunting-when i lived in norway we had nearly 2acres worth of land and surrounded by sprawling fields of wholewheat and grain. my parents met in germany and my sister and i got kindereggs from our parents, small plastic toys wrapped in dark chocolate--heaven. our first year in on the eastcoast the neighborhood dog ate all the chocolate my mom had left in the yard; we had just arrived a few weeks before-struck with culture shock and homesickness in a town that was huge, in comparison to where we grew up.

easter has been spent in many different houses and countries, although the best service i remember was at a norwegian church we attended, the sermon was about beinghuman and about daily sacrifice that didn't always have to be done within the confines of fourwalls. when i entered college, i was fascinated by asia, the age of the culture and the how it's similar to that of northern europe, without the vikings ofcourse. i studied the history of china with a professor who had emigrated like myself, his perspective on his culture and how he taught it is still something i remember. he was the one that introduced me to the idea of buddha because we studied his impact on chinese culture and how he shaped modern china.

buddhism takes many shapes and forms like other religions but i think it's something that can be practiced everyday, as it is about seeing what is around you and being grateful for thesmall token in life; rather than expecting the grand. the concept of buddhism has reintroduced through the movement of slowfood which is founded on the premise of acknowledging where the food you're eating came from and savouring cooking&eating it. often we're not, we're too consumed by how fast we can eat, in american culture it's not become a breakingpoint the way it is in other cultures.

where i grewup in norway and sweden the culture takes afternoon tea, this usually involves coffee and cake or pastries; sitting down& catchingup. it's supposed to be a time of theday that is spent with either the family or friends. in american culture this has been introduced by stars who created the multi-functional coffee shop-although it harbors interviews, students &the telecommuter. it's not the same as the homefeeling in europe as we have driven the clock into the ground and american corporate society makes people believe that they don't contribute enough in a 40hr week.

to me ipractice doing something good everyday-it doesn't matter what it is, or how small or big, my goal is to have someone smile or make a difference to them. a goodfriend of mine treated me last night without question and it was a gift, although he made fun of me the entire time. friends do that, and it's okay. when i see homeless person on the street and ihave just eaten i usually give them my leftovers, it's better than change. doing something simple, it's not about getting anything back it's about paying it forward, doing good without expectation. practice doing something good, it doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have tobe money. the only way we can start making change is one small action at a time. that's how we create good, like those easter eggs that made the kosher goldenretriever next door sick, but i know they where there, in the large lawn. goodis always there. everyday.

HANGingUp the LAsso

2005-03-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

here it is, i have thrown in the towel on love, hungup my lasso, put the saddle back in the barn &quit. Why? cause-love for me came3 years ago, he swept in with early northen winds and left just as fast; see previous blogs. a friend of mine read my blog the other day and wrote about a brief but hot summer we had 8 years ago. i love him more than i could write on a page of ink, he has always been there. no buts, lameness-he wrote how much he misses me and he realized it after i left. that to me means more than some random shag, some random line written in the sand.

my 1stblog-what was, an ode to a man-that slipped out of my hands with the northern winds. i forgave him last summer, realized that i had spent years with the wrong guy. i don’t want to make that mistake again. love and feeling safe emotionally and physically for me means more than some roll in hay, or having to constantly redraw lines of what a friendship is. if my heart flutters when i’m with someone and when i kiss them the world stops, blinks along with me-i won’t take it for granted.

if i had known that i missed out on one of the best things in my life because the heat between us scared me i’d never would have let him go. it was impulsive, hot&real. love is all those things, i recognize that i may have really blown it. this catapulted me into wanting to be single, finicky, and grouchy. what i wrote about in my last blog is true, i have turned down 2 other men; soon to be more, i wore a small skirt with tights the other day, and i slowed traffic, something i have come to ignore. i have a brain and 2 legs is how i view myself. legs they’re there, but it doesn’t define who iam, they’re part of who i am.

my sexdrive is on ice, i had company the other night and turned him downflat, frustrated and flustered sometime around dawn. my re-organization of my life as pre-mentioned in my other entry. there is a boy i find fascinating, there is at least one, maybe2? he stares right through me; he did it today and i was left blank, sexual tension that reminds me of astroglide & college. he lives nextdoor and brushedup against me the other afternoon, close. he reads my favorite paper, big points, dresses a bit too trendy but his eyes remind me of chestnuts and home. he has curly hair, the way my first crush did when i was 13..his name was daniel and he lived next to my grandfather, we developed this crush over rotten apples and excuses to hangout. anyway, this current crush, knee jerks when he sees me, the way i do him; it’s a dance, flirting usually is-or a game of chess.

i’d call the current affliction checkmate, i can make a move and lose finding out what is name is, or i can stay in my position and wait. i hate waiting, but am getting used to delayed gratification; it really quenches thirst. i have also developed this highly cynical aspect of dating, and courtship; it has become like branding, or marketing. you have to have a to have b et cetera. it’s lame. i wrote last week, i am not thrilled by men who buy love, the bachelor series on tv is a good example of this. a contest either for one woman or a contest for a man, it’s tacky. a recent example of how poorly this show works is the recent airing, where the woman axed 2 men, the final 2 men.

courtship with expressive and respecting gestures have become blase, my x for example couldn’t understand why my mother was soo angered by his tardiness, you only have to do that when there’s a family meal in europe to have full comprehension ofWhy you don’t come late. ever. anyway, now that roses means you’re sorry rather than you love someone and nothing is ever serious until it has reached a 6 month/year mark. i am not a woman in a rush but if your feelings are there, why do you have to plan what will take place and when. the pressure to follow societal guidelines for pc rightness in dating is enough to make me gag. the current affliction on a non-profit server in my city is the lack of pictures that women post of themselves. as i said to a friend the other night, online dating is like wanting the newyork times but getting usa today. usually men who post online only seek one thing, a carnal need. if they play up that they are intoyou, that they want to see you again and you have not been setup by a matchmaker, i suggest you get used to getting poorly laid often.

i believe in a few simple things, that's probably why i am no longer into dating, nor interested. being honest, if you sidestep this major component i won’t trust where you take your next breath, nor will i care. if you lack tact, in regards to manners, appearance and social interactions and you burnbridges faster than people can rebuild them. if you brag/talkup your job, your ex-girlfriend using words such as perfect, the one et al--if i am Gone when you get back from the bathroom. i don’t know how many men live in someother year, decade or part of their life-see yourself the door to your own past. if you can’t feel me, you won’t feel anyone else. sloppy table manners, like scraping chutney off fish, is a real turn off, or giving serving staff attitude, when theycan spit in our food. i grewup managing several different forks, and glasses, including cocktail parties. iread, a ton of books and as a writer seek other writers in order to develop my own style. if you think that reading stephen king will turn me on, you’re wrong. it’s like a wearing a brooksbrother’s suit because you work in finance and live and die by the stockmarket-goes back to the $ issue.. i have met enough deskjockeys with no social skills to write a long novella on how men who interact with computers can’t or don’t have the skill to interact with people. a computer, if you’re using it for porn or for work keeps you from interacting with people, and porn is people on parade. i think that’s my gripe list for now, it’s also what’s propelling me to leave for europe this summer. i believe that european men have all of the above, and a few languages, a few drinking songs and a interest in art american men should envy, besides for the few cabins and summer retreats a majority of europeans own including me.

so, i have hung my lasso-i prefer crushes and infatuation instead of stalled over explanations that usually suits the guy i am dating rather than me. i had one a few weeks back and felt as if i was back in college; it was sentences and body language that contradicted the very words he was using. see previous post, about lying for this one. anyway, i am past having someone explain and make excuses when their feelings are/aren't there. i’d rather be whisked away, in heat of passion and have lusty sex than have some tawdry explanation given to me.

hence, being 31 and in my sexual prime my bs meter has been shortened, drastically, it’s not that i want to settle down, expect insta-marriage and insta-perfect man; there's no such thing. i feel like i am at the deli counter and there’s all these different roasts- lean, smooth and tasty. what i will pick? only time will tell. till then i will go back tofinding another city to relocate to, a job and stability. all the glamour of love can wait-because when things become what i want them to be, he will be there; he has always been. do i know who-nope. i only know what love has taught me, how precious & wonderful it is. for fear of becoming too cliched i will stop writing-till my next entry. happy hunting.

SPaceS

2005-03-14T19:40:00.000-08:00

i've lost count recently-count of how many people i have stayed with since last september. i have stayed in apartments the size of bathrooms and houses where i was unable to have my own space; i was forced to account for my friends, guilty when i had dates over. the time i have spent looking at my life has been extensive, due to financial circumstances and my constant mobility; i made the decision to leave seattle. having little prospect of employment and un-ending drama, usually of the kind where i have walked into brickwalls and was the car without the brakes-it has taught me to think about what i want to create.

if you had asked me 5 years ago that i would end up homeless and on the dole I would have laughed. i came West to grow and to become an adult, that has slowly grinded me into the ground. When i moved to seattle in the early fall of 2000; seattle had been voted the best city to live in, and had ranked high in living &jobs. within weeks of me coming to seattle, the market grinded to hault, i stood in amazement as my future prospects dried up like our current water supply and impending drought season. i came within days of having a job within a dot com and learned after my interview that they had a highering freeze; after that ditch effort-there’s was nothing but low paying jobs and found someone that hadn’t smacked the door shut.

i relocated to vashon island, a place, though dysfunctional i had come to love in my own way. it was a sanctuary and i can count how many times i chased the ferry to breathe fully when i had made it. vashon island will always have a place in my heart for several reasons; i left Vashon island within days of September 11, 2001-and was caught within the chaos of the ensuing fall, and the aftermath. leaving vashon forced me to expand my social circle and to branch out. i started dating, a memorable year of chaos and bullshit i intend to write a novel about.

seattle offered me something i had not yet discovered about myself, myown word on the page. i found it one night at the now defunct landmark of the sit/spin. a locally owned bar/laundromat where the seattle poetry slam re-located to till the doors shut. i had written a piece about my own sorrow of losing new york city, collapse of the towers. the mc a powerhouse in her own right, asked me to return. sit/spin had flavor, smoky, dark and crowded. the bartender was always kind and looked out for the poets that preferred to be somewhat coherent at the end of the night; i started growing a small social circle of other transplanted poets. i look back on this part of my life here and realize how fundamental they where in me staying when all i wanted to do was return to what i knew, albeit no longer there.

poetry has become a fundamental part of my life, a way for me to see myself, in my words &experiences. this past fall i wrote a piece about what my life had been since leaving my emotionally abusive x. i wrote about my suitcase, and about the lies he created in my life-how he attempted to destroy me, he is still hellbent on doing, slandering my name. i am baffled as it’s become a contest to him; as if the emotional violence he inflicted and the doubt he managed to create wasn’t enough. my poem about my suitcase, hit close to home and reading it at another location here in seattle, has been eyeopening, and powerful. that love can be soo simple; yet soo destructive. i see myself in his dusty apartment with his dusty lies. thelies he created and manufactured has not damaged me the way he intended, his friends are not heeding a court document he sought against me and he has openly sought out known parties i have as friends. several people have come forward in disbelief over my poor choices last year; i guess i wore my bad decision on my sleeve.

the subsequent actions and moving has created something i didn’t expect, i have had 2 men within the last month tell me that they wanted to be with me. i have turned down both, for several reasons, and because I am not seeking a man nor love. it’s one thing to spend nearly 2 years with a someone that accuses you of the behavior they are causing, it’s entirely another to notbe interested. maybe i am turning into an icequeen; but soo few things impress me. as someone that grew up in a family of stature in europe; money &titles are best reserved for gated communities with gated thinking.

i am not flattered by men who drive cars they think they are cool because lance armstrong advertisers them; it’s beyond that for me, i can tell say thatmy current situation is not a reason for me to look for love. i live on very little including money, and impressing me goes beyond a title and job. spending time in connecticut, in a community that has gated beaches where the only way you can enter is by having an address or being on a guest list-with SUV’s and botox being trendy there nearly 5years ago. i have dated men who are son’s of men with titles and because of this they believe that they are something. there has only been one man that has shown me differently, he had money but made little attempt to show me until the end. i was baffled and shocked but have come to recognize that he didn’t want to be seen by what he had in his wallet. he was humble and tender and i still believe loved me, loved me when i didn’t see who i was.

money makes people do many things, i also think that people assume that you’re desperate and hence who you say you are is no longer true; i have met many women in my situation or worse, who have gone on the dole and have managed to rebuild; stronger and better than they where before. i see myself in a different mirror 5years from now i also know that the last year will not be the way this way again, for many reasons. i have not givenup on finding a job, nor have i stopped looking, or acknowledging that i hit bottom but floated slowly to the surface. my friends extended their arms, and wouldn’t let me go. i am grateful for their presence, and for seeing beyond my welfare check. i am now in my friends apartment, a small space half-filled with my life, strewn in his living room. i am by myself for the first time in nearly 5 years; i know the situation is temporary and in a few weeks i will be writing from another 4walls, with new stories to tell.

strife and motivation are hard to break, hard to take apart-i was asked recently if i could handle beingbored with my life. bored means no chaos, no stressful living situations, just gettingup and working. doing regular things, boringsimple things.i don’t have to survive through. i have survived for the plain reason of survival for so long, i don’t know how to livesimply within the confines of my own head. having someone there compounds this-as i am for the firsttime in my life, not seeking anyone out.

maybe when i arrive on my own homeland, smell the soil, air and see where i spent the first 10years of my life-maybe then in chaos of being home. a place i havenot seen in over adecade, my heart will soften. till then i will count each i don’t endup begging and living in a homeless shelter a blessing each day my friends rally to my need, and don’t treat me lessthan who i was before. that’s what counts right now. jobs will come as will love, when my heartstops falling into crevices i can’t get out of.

ONE-box

2005-03-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

there's a change that has taken hold of me, one box @ a time. i have come upon the famous 5 year itch. it came upon me one morning when i was walking through seattle and realized that i was no longer awed by this city; the way i once was. so, i am currently selling off pieces of me. one book, cd and knickknack @ a time; i have never had very much-seeking to have less. i have never defined myself by money or clothes and have never been interested holding onto things for sentimental reasons.

change happens slowly and comes overtime, realizing that living seattle is no longer the idealistic city i once thought it was-has been eye opening for me. i have moved every 5-10 years since the age of 10 and i think in a way i have become used to moving. i looked at my boxes the last few days in preparation for my yardsale and realized that it was time to shed parts of me i have held onto. shedding my belongings is also a way for me to shed the things that i have been carrying psychological garbage and the physical.

as a poet in this city i have crafted poems in a way that i wouldn't have had the chance if it wasn't for the niave mistakes i made when i first arrived here. i fell in love with vashon island and the purple haze that floating like expensive perfume. it was eerily similar to the village i lived in norway-and i thought i was mature enough to settle in a small community. right after my plane landed the job market frozeup and went into a 2 year coma; it's now coming out of.

i met a beautiful, sweet carpenter that i fell for who was in love with someone else-lived with an alcholic borderline "law" student(conman,) lived briefly in a boarding house with a drugaddict, and a man that had sex with his dog. i lived with one guy for nearly 3 years and forfeited the living situation to move in with someone that managed to place neatly in his boxof abuse. i am grateful for the people i have met in this city, people that haven't made it into angry, bitter poems or pityparties. people that have been there. period. that has shown me that i can be better than where i am or who i am with.

the boxes i have carried with me aren't going with me on the next leg of my journey. my table, utensils, and other knickknacks will find a home somewhere else. i hope that my old shirts keeps someone warm at night, that someone will find the pieces of me that i am shedding of some use to them. i am sitting here listening to the gardenstate soundtrack, it's symbolic; i listened to it last fall after my i left my abuser. i stumbled into oprah the other night and saw myself in one of the women on the television, how he convinced, lied and sought to destroy the very essence of who i was. emotional abusers are snakes in grass-you don't see what the abuser has done to you till you've been bitten; it's harder to heal after leaving one because of the damage that is inflicted overtime. when i finally saw where i had been, and i could start rebuilding myself, it's still a work in progress.

when i leave seattle for my next adventure i won't be wearing pink colored glasses, my view is no longer obstructed by icebergs larger than the titanic. what i will sell will be replaced, one step @ a time-as i walk away from a man i will never forget. the smell of shilshole marina in summer and tourists walking dumstruck through pike's place, rain spitting, balmy winters, and bad droughts in summer. i will miss mountains i moved out here to hike; but has been unable. so, each day till i leave i will savour the cliched seattle things, busses that never arrive when expected, weathermen predicting the obvious, my poet circle, my bowling league-coffee made just the way i like it. like the peter gabriel song, "life carries on," it's finding directions; when it's foggy& seeing clearly.

BEing creative

2005-02-27T01:23:00.000-08:00

there's a new trend that has become soo hot to study that scientists at major universities are taking note-about lying. lying has now become a way for schools to get grants and funding, why you may ask. we can take small space trip back in time and look at four star papers like the new york times and other publications including the nation; to see reporters resorting to this type of behavior. i think it's sad that our society has become so baseless, that we fib soo much that my internet search led me to websites on how to spot liars to different action and watch dog groups.

i have seen this pattern in my life lately and with people i'd least expect it from; telling the truth is not rocket science but having your cake and eating too is selfish. just because you can't be honest is not cool. i spent years in a hole my father created for my family, covering his drinking, physical abuse and what actually took place at my house that neighbors didn't know. because i spent a majority of my life fibbing for my family; i have stopped. even when lying would be the easy way out. why don't i choose to lie because i have seen the sand castles, &carcasses of bad relationships strewn like confetti.

i had a guy that i fell in love last fall, we spoke about our relationship in terms of the right now and his poly lifestyle; because he was open to me about the way he acted and that he was interested in other women left me with little worry about. i have had other lovers that have chosen for one reason or another to not be honest with me, and it has hurt me deeply. because he was honest about being poly i didn't have any reason to worry when he flirted because it was out in the open. unlike, a former lover that thought tucking lies between his ears like cigarette's was the way to go. in the end our sand castle collapsed, because he would also openly flirt with women in public, turn it around and lie to me when he was confronted. he would use lines like "it was all in my head" when i saw him posturing sexually across a restaurant at another woman. lying has cues just like other things we humans do.

it ranges from posture, hesitation& lack of eye contact to fllipping the coin and blaming the accuser. this is often a typical behavior about people caught in a fib, along with rapid speech, fidgeting and change of voice. lying has obvious social cues, that corporations are taking notes on and has entered the court rooms around the country in some landmark cases. i think it's a negative way of being creative, but the wrong kind. the truth may be hard to swallow it usually is if the topic is difficult but lying means you have remember what you told person x and what you told person y. when a guy who has displayed physical interest or otherwise changes or turn a behavior around when i casually ask or re-states boundaries he is no longer adhering to i see it as a redflag. the gesturing and manipulation of intimacy is a way of not acknowledging the truth; or the feelings that may or may not be there.

for me being honest is the only way to be, it for ties along with another major milestone i hold until filled, trust. trust for me is as important as being honest. if a person choses to lie or choses to break my trust-i am no longer interested. i take it seriously for many reasons, not just my family but the wilderness survival class i was in, in high school. when you are attempting whitewater canoeing for the first time in category 4 rivers you have to have trust. my father taught me survival at an early age, and would always remind my sister and i how to get help. i grewup hiking and fishing on the interior lakes in northen norway, several hundred miles inside the artic circle. the summers where not warm, and there was plenty of close calls; my sister and i had to prepared and know how to get from one lake to the other. we averaged a turn-around hike over 15 miles in matter of twenty-four hours. the cabin we stayed at was a brisk hour from the train tracks and nearly 6 miles& the only way to get off the mountain. with the tundra being what it was, and yes i have seen black bears up close, close enough that we had scram across a valley so it wouldn't smell our fish. in the situations that trust is essential, most of us appear to have it, even on the doomed everest trip, people gathered together and saved each other. when they all came off the mountain-their stories varied because they where all different and the danger was gone. what i find sad about the lying trend taking place is that we are only beside each other when it matters, and as soon as the danger has passed we go back to lying.

the full moon of the last week has left a bitter taste in my stomach for a variety of reasons, i have been very intrigued and dumbfounded by peoples lack of tact. being honest has gained me lifelong friends, people i'd give body parts to if they where sick; it has brought me closer to people i thought i couldn't be and has forged a monumental change in my life. honesty shouldn't be condemned because people don't want be plain, i will be the first to agree that i think it can be hard to swallow, and that it can ruin relationships. if being honest causes you to lose to the things you actually care about why would anyone want to hurt someone in the first place by lying.

to See

2005-02-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

i think everyone to some extent don't see what's right in front of them; sometimes we see it in the rearview mirror as we speed away from brokenhearts& life. seeing can be hard, to really see means acknowledging what may or may not present. i will digress for a moment and write about about a friend of mine in high school-someone i saw on a regular basis that sailed by me in my youth. in my senior year he and i went hiking locally and he told me that i wasn't seeing what was right in front me-i didn't understand what he meant, because my life so filled with chaos that it slipped right by me.

it has taken sometime for me to start seeing what is there, sometimes when i start i don't like the what i could be seeing. sort of like this adorable guy i met last spring, when i was still single and the life was easy. he showed up out of nowhere and left just as fast-i didn't see what i had, till weeks later, when things slowly dawned on me, the way things usually do in hindsight. i am currently still single and enjoying this cultural affliction as i am a stereotype as a woman in my thirties. i suppose if i was more socially inclined to find a mate and do the whole reproduction, marriage thing i'd be signedup for a few website that would suck money out of my wallet every month and meet men online. dating and being single in this day & age is a blessing and a curse. i should want to be a financially desperate enough to hunt for a mate; i am broke but i have never been enticed my someone's wallet.

i have become immune to well-dressed man unless it’s a guy i am seeing and it’s a mutual fanfare; wearing the right graysuit with the proper shoes is boring.. don't get me wrong-i like a well dressed man, someone that update their wardrobe without looking too trendy, too hip. someone that has a sense of who they are not the money that lines their wallet or their egos. men who allow money to become their definition seem to miss the fine lining-the small everyday things. i have seen empty large houses with empty souls-i witnessed men who define themselves by their cars, their promotion, not friends, moments or the stuff that matters.

my childhood has made me want to be better than my past, i want to be better than what the things i have done that i couldn't fix. i have learned things about myself these past few months that i have not seen about myself before. learned that i can have feelings, communicate and also forfeit without feeling bad about the outcome. i have also learned to see happiness, friendship and value the moments i would rush past in order to find something bigger and better; because sometimes what is bigger and better is right in front of you, you just don't see it.

STUMbling moments

2005-02-19T14:57:00.000-08:00

for as long as i can remember-being present in the here&now has been hard, mainly due to some hard times i had growing up and as an adult. being in the moment is sometimes the hardest thing there is; expecting what's going on as it happens. the last few months have awakened me to the fact that i still find ways to retracting into something that left me scarred. when we think we have love, we misconstrue it in order for it to serve us, usually in our minds. someone i thought i was in love for the past two years had me convinced that i was. even when the convenience of his condescending behavior often left me in tears; there was thin ice all around me.

i would often wonder how long the easy days would last, just as i would become used to them, he made sure to flip everything on its head and blame me in the process, projection that usually came loaded with guilt the size of small mountains. i would become defensive, have nightmares, often waking up in terror when i was with him and after i left. it took months for my body to feel safe enough to not sleep fetal the entire night. when i realized i could stretch out all my limbs & still feel safe, the nightmares began to pass. i learned from a yoga instructor to breathe with my lower abdomen, a part of my body i had forgotten was there.

the relationship i was in has left me scars, and shadows often creeping up in everyday life, clouding the laughter of my friends, a conversation and sometimes intimacy. i take a breath and inhale where i am; at that moment-i try to look at as an outsider seeing how tense my shoulders become as the flashbacks don't completely return but cause me enough stress that my muscle become tense with memories. people can reflect the past more than we want them to, for me it's usually smell. therapists call these triggers, triggers that can remove you out of the present and place you back in the past. each time i have one, i have to do what most alcoholics do, and take inventory; what's making my body feel unsafe and why am i tensing up? i was once triggered by seeing my abuser, hearing his voice and other personal traits. now, when i see him i don't feel anything, not even anger or hate.

it has taken me a longtime to get to this point, and i am starting to feel comfortable with being by myself. being alone and not having a fear, is a small learning curve. for the first time in my life, i am no longer actively seeking a relationship; it feels weird to not having to chase away loneliness. i recently met someone who smokes more green than he has money; my first impression of him was false, extremely so. he's incapable of being in a quiet place and needs audio distractions; something that showed me that he had more war wounds. fearing quiet space and being alone, is something i was once did; i had to have a audio distraction so i wouldn't dive straight into my flashbacks.

now, when i walk down the street, i listen to the neighbor kids as they play in my neighborhood, the different sounds of cars, emergency vechiles chasing lives. i don't fear hearing life taking place around me. it's the same way i feel about having relationships, and being alone. my first goal this spring is to be employed on a consistent basis with a good boss, a year ago something i didn't think i deserved, or thought i was capable of. i want to feel my own money in my hand-without hearing judgements from my past.

hence, when i stumble into moments, like the other night, when i had a bowl of sushi with a date-it was intimate, tender moment that he and i both enjoyed without expectations. we often don't see these moments till they're past us. i try to stay with myself no matter how hard words may be, and i no longer fear expressing myself. next time something i may love or hate happens, i will feel all of it& breathe when it's over knowing that the backdoor to the past swung open catching me off guard. stumbling through each day can be hard if i am not able to feel them-and when i do without fear it feels great. great to be in the arms of someone i enjoy, great to see what i thought was love pass me without flinching, just being right there, each breath that the moment is-and allowing myself to stumble into them.

GREAT expectations

2005-02-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

great expectations are usually just that. since, becoming newly minted single-i have encountered a few interesting men: men that assume that sexual favors are handed out like mints at restaurants-that expect you to read their minds& lose their ability to speak when they see you-long lost fling that still doesn't know what to do..i am categorizing on purpose, men seem to fit into these small pockets and their behaviors as most of their actions no longer baffle, or astound me. i had a small expectation this weekend; although i came down with a cold and was sneezing& watching bad television. i had this idealistic thought that i would walk around on a mild night watching art with a guy i have a crush on.

valentine's day has very little to do with this idea; although in my 20's i was depressed and sad if i was not seeing someone on the cliched holiday it has become. the lack of materialistic gifts(chalky chocolates, and red roses) dumped on my lap and dinners out(not Thai food) was something i thought i should have. valetine's day has become a large cash crop for hallmark who has made it one of the most profitable days of the year. the sell-out of cheap cards with cliched expressions that are supposed to say what we're not capable of the rest of the year. proposals have increased on valentine's day for men that can't take ques from queer eye on how to be romantic. it's really not that difficult but with societies ideals stuffed down our throats within weeks of christmas, but valentine's day rolling around i want to have a stuffed bear, chalky chocolate party..as it still seems to be what retailors are buying wholesale.

the other half of the spectrum is that a majority of couples break up either in public over some reserved meal; this occurs either before or right after. it's a trend with my friends-- since my 30th birthday i have become more realistic rather than more cynical. if someone doesn't feel the same way for me as i do them; i let them go. no longer having great expectations of my relationships; understanding that love shouldn't be forced.. love is a gift. having read great expectations, it's one of my favorite charles dickens books. he addresses the idea of what love is and how we want to manipulate it into something that suits us; when it suits us. i will refer to my earlier post about my x who demanded that forgive him on his schedule rather than giving me time to breathe. it was an expectation that went grandly flat, because he was not taking my feelings or how his actions where effecting my feelings into account. that is what dickens write's so well about in his book; how a certain main character love's a certain woman that is not allowing him until she is ready. love is the same, you have to give it room to breathe-and sometimes you have to let it go.

great expectations are namely that-so for the first time in my life, i have put this idea away-because i realize that i am lucky to have the friends i have in my life. that their love means a great deal to me; being with someone is great as long as the communication remains open. last week a few days after my party, i saw someone in a dark, smokey bar i had not seen in ages. he kept looking as did i and he made no attempts to say hello and when i left i was disappointed as i recognized him from another part of my life. i also saw someone last week on the way to my new writing pad who still renders me speechless. i was relieved that he was not on the bus as i would have lost my ability to speak- again. maybe sometime this spring, i will gain that back along with letting infatuations go. i will have to see? maybe, out of the blue-the way fate has that ability he will find me, on a rainy winter corner.

i will not spread out a table top of expectations-but will wait till the ground feels solid beneath my feet-and see what happens??? happy valentine's day!! remember to do all the things you're doing on valentine's day-everyday!

TOkens

2005-02-09T02:15:00.000-08:00

this week has been galvanized by change and my birthday; i am no longer of the tender, idiot stage of my 20's. when i was 22 years old i thought i met my prince, while hiking in Maine late one fall; i had started preparing my future with him even though our paths would not cross for several more months. i am lucky however as he is still in my life and one of my bestfriends; he was a token a gift i never would have expected.

tokens come in many shapes and sizes, some can be good others can be bad; i am grateful for my foolhardiness last summer. it was token, i moved in with someone i thought i could trust, that i discovered not only was lying but cheating. when i confronted him on his behavior he put my forgiveness on a timer, namely his. on the expected day, he wanted to be forgiven i was not ready and our relationship was terminated.

this post is about seeing our choices and how even bad choices can have good outcomes. i am relieved that i discovered that i was no longer in love with him before he left for his trip; i have blogged about this before see bottom. anyway, what i realized was that i didn't have a healthy sense of what love was. the way our relationship operated; i do say operated: as his maid, training his dog and made sure he had clean clothes for work and dinner waiting. conversations about feelings, issues or anything regarding our relationship was not something he could handle being the topic of discussion. they would eventually turn into tirades, emotional language that gave him very little but usurping control over what i was saying that he didn't want to hear. this i now realize was not love and could not be love.

it became a token-a gift showing me that this was not the guy i was supposed to marry. i think in many ways i was blinded by my own constant excuses for his behavior. i could tell you exactly why he had the right to berate me for standing up for myself over simple relationship issues. i walked around on thin ice; i re-call walking on this ice in europe as a kid and hearing it crack. his outbursts and anger rose often so quickly i had no place to seek cover.

as i said before tokens are usually hard to see, when it first happens. we become defensive and find reasons for what we're doing and why, when sometimes the simplest thing is to quit. i recall the day we ended-i met him for lunch and we fought in public, the way we had since we started our relationship. he sought to humiliate me, and to make me feel inferior-it was win/win for him. although he acted that day no differently than all the other times in our constant shifting thin ice.

the day i ran and discovered that i could forgive someone i thought i hated; i also realized that love was not the relationship i was in. love is an open feeling and when you truly feel it like i do for my friend i have nearly known for a decade i feel lucky. he is still my prince even though we're not married and we may never be. he simply is a token in my life because he has always been there; regardless of the curves in my road.

what last year brought me the ability to see myself; being happysingle, seeing my own past& my future-a future i thought was soo certain on cracking thin ice. i am in my 30's now and i love more people than i can count. forgiveness to me has become easy, so easy in fact that the tirade and character assisination of me i can forgive not because of love, but because he has been crying out for attention in a destructive way by sabotaging the very people he had/has in his life. i forgive him and i hope that oneday the anger,will build him inner-peace.

love is a great token, a powerful one. we can have everything we thought we had imagined, but have it not come true when our expectations become grand. love is simple, i sleep fully and deeply and am grateful for everyday someone holds the door open. conversations that extend into mornings & people that make me laugh. i no longer walk on thinning ice hearing it crack and wonder if i will fall through-only that i will have a new day,& a new chance. chances that would've escaped me had it not been for the token of a childish relationship that has shown me how truly great i can become.

SPilled MArtini's

2005-02-06T02:13:00.000-08:00

10 years ago, i could walk through my favorite nightspot with a full martini glass without spilling a drop-i could move from roomtoroom without soo much a blink. i was raised in a formal european family where toasts could last 30 minutes and then errupt into political debate depending on which uncle was visiting.

we had formal dinners in my grandfather's grand dining room where the curtains where drawn to preserve the furniture and the piano was always in-tune. it was classy and old fashioned with a sitting section on one side and the dining room table on the other. it had several picture windows that faced an old field and the neighbors down the street. i spent most of my childhood, learning how to eat without putting my elbows near the table, to only drink when no one was making a toast and to swallow the moose meat no matter how hard it was to chew.

my grandfather was a man ahead of his time, looking back he was more direct than a majority of tri-state men i have known and perfected the slam of the telephone receiver. he worked for the state of forestry and hated beavers to the point that he could have tirades about them for hours. as a joke my cousin and i both did papers years apart on them; i was later told he took as an insult. he lived in decades past, when my sister i would be sent to spend a few weeks with him we would be woken somewhere between 6&7am for hot oatmeal so congealed in the bowl it hit our stomachs like lead.

my sister& i rose diligently as he would always have a box of imported cereal stashed in the kitchen-and ice cream he claimed he accidently bought. i was able to spend a few weeks with him before he died one summer. i would wake to eat oatmeal with him knowing that his death was close by, in his tiny apartment his anger still rose like the new york stock exchange on non-pc topics that churned my twenty year old stomach.

i still remember the smell of his yellow bathroom--how he lived for his job and not much else. doors slammed shut as voices hit angry pitches, usually over beavers, and other rodents that was eliminating the tree's my grandfather had just planted. moose that the hunters he paid every year to gather for our family that didn't get enough meat although the deep freezer would usually be packed to capacity.

if you saw me in my winter slip-ons and my bus pass, my non-descript commuter bag you would not guess that my family has stature in a country sixthousandmiles away. i am not impressed with well drinks and men who wear logo shirts in nightclubs &bars; drinking watered down anything is what you do when you're in high school not in your 30's.

i am not impressed with bank statement and the next exotic place people will take their vacation. i rarely tell people that i come from europe that i can speak and understand other languages, that i read newspapers from other countries. as a european my skills are not unique it's expected.

as a european with the family heritage my sister and i will come into is not something that i consider grand;it's has always been there for her and i. i'd like to meet someone that wants to see old europe through the eyes of proper toasts and announcements; sun shining through the old growth where my family owns land not in a bank account. riches isn't labels, although our society has made everyone into a walking sign-and people are now auctioning their bodies off to pay for college.

money to me has never been important, it doesn't signify anything, it doesn't impress me. when someone extends a hand for an old woman on the bus, help people without expecting anything in return that's when i take notice. this selflessness is what we have lost sight of-this ability to reach out to others unless disasters happen.

relationships are destroyed by greed as it comes in many shapes and sizes. it's being able to openly love and accept the present moments- like the early morning walk i took-watching the fog hanging over the olympics& seals fighting. the simplicity of hugs. that is what makes us rich, like congealed moments of oatmeal my sister and i ate as kids. complaining about how early it was-sitting around the table with my grandfather; like the family dinners where my elbow could never touch the table.

HOGdays

2005-02-03T12:05:00.000-08:00

years ago i was diagnosed with a form of chronic fatigue called fibromyalgia-- i was heavily stressed and i didn't realize or see what i was doing to myself. today, i judge how much energy i will allow myself to feel for situations/people and the daily grind; the last few months where stressful and the weight of my past that i was forced to deal with till nearly christmas took its toll. what i realized i fled gave me strength-i had a choice to go down one road or another-i chose to leave behind my past and focus on me. sometimes this can become a daily task, to leave something/someone behind. saying good-bye to someone you thought you had feelings for, you thought you cared about or you thought was love can be difficult.

i called my post a hogday as i spent most of it seeing my own shadow, in other people's faces-it's weird when you see your reflection with someone else. your perspective and even when you see how far you have come. when you see yourself in the shadow of someone else it can obstruct your view-abusive people will attempt to undermine & sabotage your self-esteem, your goals & your inner peace. i achieved a small goal this week, i had something really great happen and it all took place on the same day--all within a couple of hours of each other. they where gifts& tokens of my own self that i hadn't seen in a longtime. it's when we can see ourselves with the sun and with the shadows that we start to change-i know who i was 6 months ago is not who i have become. i also am grateful for fate that allowed me the getaway from something that could have destroyed me.

it's also groundHOG day something i find as a european to be funny, using a rodent to judge a winter? the funnier part that this supposed four legged, bowlegged creature can give us winter or take it away. the four legged creature has spoken with great fanfare and we will supposedly have 6 more weeks of what i am not sure about?? the snow has been washed off the mountains and the days extend way above normal. global warming has shrunk the ozone layer in the part of the world where my grandmother resides that she has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time in her life.

back to shadows as this is my topic-part of having fibromyalgia is that i have to perceive what i will move forward with and what i will forfeit. the muscle disorder can bring bouts of insomnia, rheumatoid athritis and crystal memory, i do this on my bad days move from one room to the next and completely forget task. i have worked with this before and know that i am capable even under pressure to work. it means more concentration, focusing on what is my direct task is and what i have to do another day.

sabotage has been a word in my life for a few years now, it has been something i have been accused of-when larger pictures have come into play. i guess in some circles i am terrified of losing my independence-my space, for someone else. i spent such a longtime with an emotional abuser that a former lover told me that i needed to not be afraid of expressing myself. when you're with someone that belittles you for self expression, defending yourself constantly against verbal assaults and having to explain your meekest actions it does alter how you communicate with others. it has made me afraid, but not with my closest friends. i can flirt and talk a good game but when someone i care about asks me to not fear-the shadow returns.

tonight is also flare night-what that means is that i have muscle pain and i may have trouble sleeping. flares are signals to me that i am spending too much time thinking about situational issues or just things we all have to let go of. my intent with this blog is to focus on the simple because it's what i couldn't see for a long time. i don't expect people that i love to return to me-i accept that-gracefully. something years ago i would demand to have-i now have learned to shrug my shoulders about. i know the coming year will be good for me if the past month is an indication; i also have restored my faith- fate&love.

if things in my life become overwhelming or hard to grasp, i usually write in my journal or write a list. one pro-one con-it can be a good tool to address what seems impossible-& show what i can overcome. life has brought me many gifts& solutions. it has allowed me the chance to see the complete me-not the shadow of my past i had been carrying around for so long. do i think that everyday is a piece of eastcoast cheesecake-nope; when you can have the cake, and you can eat it too because you deserve a small treat for yourself it is.

stuMped

2005-02-01T01:20:00.000-08:00

another monday hit the planet-and some things start easier than others, mine started with a planetery bang. this post is not about my morning it's about the space between, i realize that i make homeage to dave matthews as the song is the part we always seem to have pass us by in our relationships.

space between for me is the part where i connect to someone-with friends it's that bonding moment-with boyfriends it's usually the space after sex-& following through(many have not-and lost.) i watched a man i know i love-who is the only one in the past years to have stumped completely, uttering one symbol. you'll laugh-it's hi. this one syllable word, has changed my view of him greatly-it also allowed me something to allow space in to forgive.

i am sitting here listening to push the button by chemical brothers, i averaged nearly eight miles today and have had my daily espresso fix-no orange juice so this was a last resort. this is a small divergent tangent, i spent a year in europe after high school and most likely could've done more bad things than i did. i still look back at myself for not losing my virginity to a rugged norseman-when i was home. i was spoiled by a real out scene that lasted to the whee hours, and walking home around dawn.

back to topic i am attempting to write; space between for me has become space where there is no techno, no talking just me and someone else. i spent time with someone on sunday savouring this routine with him-we didn't go back to his place and shag, we spent a few quiet hours together. it was not something i was capable of a few years back. when i'd talk incessantly afraid of hearing my own breath.

today, two pasts collided within the same city block-it was surreal for me. seeing one man i once thought i loved, only to learn that he was more fixated on his past & grief to allow anyone else in. the other i had weeks of bliss that ended in fantastic & childish accusations. i now realize that the bliss i had with him--this isn't about second chances; he has stumped my heart. so, you're sitting there, wondering..well, it's that space i seek now, unexplainable space, we seek so much define in our relationships.

it's the moment you see someone and your knees go weak, and you feel like you're back in grade school in the hall& that certain person walks by and you blush from ear to ear. it's the space between; that is what we need to see, not the expectations of grandeur, love is not that. love is the simplest when we don't run but stand and take it-one breath and weak knee @ a time.

remote happy

2005-01-29T02:00:00.000-08:00

i was sitting around this afternoon surfing through the channels when a tv reporter disclosed the trend that is taking over our countries youth-the report was disturbing as it scared me. apparantly, the new third base is to give someone oral sex. now, compound this frightening statistic that 12-20 year olds in the country have the highest rate of sexual transmitted diseases. third base becoming oral sex, frightens me. it's not that our countries youth are not overly saturated with the internet, media and other technological advances but the fact that we seem to be retracting back to the age of cave man through our youth.

anyone who has read about the civilzation of man, knows that in most early tribal cultures children as young as 9 would be married in order to propagate the the tribe or empire. hence, the current trend of advanced sexualization is humanity repeating itself just on a much more dangerous playground. as we are now well-advanced in the age of aids, and other diseases this trend can not only be a decline of humanity internally but also sign that we are no longer advancing the way scientists have been predicting.

sexuality is forcing us into a rapid decline, a decline that was started by the spread of aids several decades ago and is now showing itself through our young. what i see are kids as young as 10 smoking illegally, and using drugs and no longer experimenting with sex but having it. this sexualization of our culture within the media and within culture is a trend we should heed. i think children are more advanced, grasp onto concepts faster but also come from more destruction. this destruction has taken shape in many ways, single parent households and latch-key kids that rarely see their parents between school and home.

it is creating a generation of anger, and resentment compiled into this over-sexualization we can thank britney spears & other 21st Century moguls. the combination of immense peer-pressure coming from cell phones being allowed in schools to instant messaging, & video games has taken over what time was once used to play outside, build something or just socialize. generation Y is one of the biggest cash cows with ninetendo, microsoft and other graphic computer game makers.

it's also the largest source of expandable revenue that clothing companies have seen in decades. so, we can guard kids within homes and hope that they will not end up in rehab before the age of 15 or we can shut-off the very instruments that has made this generation remote happy. the sexualization of generation Y is frightening as we have more diseases and they partake in these sexual rituals at friends houses & even with their parents present.

public schools around the country are racing to teach overly sexualized kids to wait, slow down or find other methods of socializing with one another. however, judging by the children i see on a regular basis i am starting to believe that they no longer fear consequence and view any sort of discipline with little or no regard. this doesn't help the current pandemic of sexual transmitted diseases that are being transferred from kids that aren't even in high school yet.

i have one solution. the only one i can think of, the only thing that seems to make sense in this age of mass media exposure and sexualization-is to turn off your television. unplug the computer unless the child has homework and monitor their chat friends and who they hang-out with. they may not seem to care, until they reach our age and can see what their choices have brought them. it's a small step, getting kids to rely on their own imaginations, rather than a remote. i think it's one of the only ways we can ensure that we do not retract into the dark ages, in our over-developed society.

twenty first-century cliche

2005-01-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

several years ago, in the age and birth of pagers and cell phones i swore i would never own one. now, i have a blog the new way to tell the world about your life anonymously. i fought the urge for a cell phone for the last 2 years; when i realized how many people i watched using them to lie. including a guy i once thought i would marry.

he used his cell phone to harvest women's phone numbers; he would also call me from one part of town and say he was in another; it ruined my trust. i don't know how many people use cell phones to tell their lovers and partners that they're somewhere else when they're not how can they possibly find out?

the new century has brought us internet dating; which has become a major cash cow---icq was once the greatest instant messaging system- now you can get it included in your cell phone and text yourself into debt. we have dsl because it's faster than dial-up and 56k is soo 10 years ago. being connected and staying connected to everything but what's in front of us.

i admit to being a 21st Century Cliche, i rode the internet dating thing for a while-all it left me with was stories i can tell my grand kids about, and a few descent men. we now even have cell phones that you can use as a camera; as if the digital elph you got last christmas wasn't tricked out enough.

there's a consequence to all this, it's the fact that kids have shorter attention spans, because they instant message& spend time online-we channel surf on our digital cable televisions. we grab our laptops and are never far from a wifi station. we have lost sight of the simple, that we're human beings. email and a webpage is just words on a screen-i know from my own experience that i have misread plenty of emails, because it's a poor substitute for human contact.

i will continue to blog& will treat my cell phone like a landline, it's currently off as i write this. i intentionally wrote in courier today as it reminds me of my parents old ibm typewriter. see what's in front of you & don't take it for granted; remember the simple not all the digitial stuff that complicates.